I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

22 months, 22 days

I seem to have forgotten totally about my blog. I didn’t even have it open in a tab anymore, and I can’t recall when I would have closed it. I guess sometime in the last 22 days since I posted not that long ago.

I think we may have hit the terrible twos but I’m not sure. The past few days he’s been throwing tantrums and having huge meltdowns, sometimes over things I can figure out and sometimes seemingly over nothing.

Yesterday he threw his first on-the-floor tantrum and I have no clue what the trigger was. I left him laying on the floor and waited until he was ready to come see me, which he did after a few minutes. I asked if he wanted a hug, he said yes but continued to cry afterwards. The only thing I could get out of him was that he wanted a hug and he wanted Mommy and Daddy, everything else I asked him (snack? did he hurt himself? did he want to go outside?) he said no to. Then he pointed to the backyard so we went outside and sat on the swing where he threw another fit. I hugged and held him and then he fell asleep for an hour.

He’s been waking up at 6:30 (or earlier some days) so he’s getting less sleep overall, probably for the past week or two. I’m not sure why, but I’m wondering if the less sleep is catching up to him. I feel like a lot of the tantrums and fights are less about not being able to do what he wants (which I can deal with) and more about being tired. I guess I’ll see how it continues and maybe I’ll have to reinstitute naptime if he seems to need it again, though the only way he’ll nap is on me and only when he’s really hit the wall, which is a point I do not like to get to.

He hit me a couple of days in a row out of frustration. I got up and walked away, saying “you’re not allowed to hit people” and he screamed and cried and was upset. Then after a minute I went back and asked if he was ready to apologize and he said yes and we hugged and I said something about how I understand him being frustrated, but hitting isn’t allowed. And then we moved on and everything was fine. The first time he sobbed for a long time after, but the second time he recovered more quickly. I’m hoping since he reacts so strongly to me walking away that it’ll sink in faster, but I guess it depends on whether he’s capable of thinking before he acts or not yet.

I left this and it’s now the next day, I think. I think I was writing this yesterday. Unless it was two days ago. Anyway, I’ll just continue.

Yesterday we took FrostedBaby to a Provincial Park that’s about an hour from here and went swimming in the lake. He’s so funny when he gets in the water because all of a sudden he’s no longer a cautious kid, he suddenly gets all brave and wants to run and jump and chase after his ball. We got him one of those float aids that has the lifejacket foamy stuff part on the front and inflatable water wings attached to it so it helps keep him upright and makes him fall a bit slower if he loses his balance and his head doesn’t go under. It means he’s easier to hang onto if we’re swimming with him, but also that we can let him go and he can move by himself and we just need to stay nearby, ready to grab him. At first I was really nervous about letting him go but then he and I both got used to how he would fall with the floaty vest thing and he wouldn’t go under quite as dramatically and I wasn’t grabbing him at every wobble. We were hoping to rent a paddle boat but the lineup was too long and it was too close to lunch time and we had to leave early, so hopefully next time it’ll work out. It was a great day and I’m looking forward to two weekends from now when Husband is on his annual guys’ camping trip and we’re actually allowed to come up and visit this year.

Still trying to figure out the whole sleeping enough thing. He fell asleep in the car on the way home yesterday so went to bed later again and woke up at 6:13, which was 11 hours of sleep or so. He was tired this afternoon but I kept him up since we had company and he wouldn’t settle on me for a nap, so he went to bed early. If he sleeps until 6:30, let’s say, that would be 13 hours and hopefully will be less tired tomorrow. I’m hoping he doesn’t wake up after 12 hours because that would be like 5:30am and no way am I getting up at that time for no reason 😛

Speaking of which, I’m going to go to bed. I keep saying I’m going to go early and then I never do, but after several days of getting up early and even more days than that not sleeping well or just getting to bed late, I’m making myself get to bed early tonight. There was other stuff I was going to write about but right now I can’t think of what it was.

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22 months

Today is FrostedBaby’s 22 monthiversary and I didn’t even notice until now.

I can’t believe in my last post that I forgot to write about his singing. He sings! It is definitely my favourite thing that he does right now. He sings along with me (filling in the end of the lines of a bunch of songs), he sings along with Scout including sometimes doing actions that we’ve been doing, he sings by himself. He listens to songs on the radio and tries to sing along to them, which is completely adorable.

I love listening to him on the monitor before we’ve gotten up when he’s playing by himself in his crib and hearing him sing and chatter to himself. The other day I was in the washroom and he was having a whole pretend conversation with Nana on the broken remote control – “Hi Nana. I miss you. Yay Nana. Walk? Walk? Okay Nana” and so on, including a bunch of babbling that I have no clue what he was saying.

And here I thought he couldn’t get any cuter. It hasn’t been fatal yet, but it’s getting closer and closer.

21 months, 12 days

Whoa. How is it possible that this long has gone by without me updating? It seems so sad because there’s so much I want to write down and capture and remember and yet I just never seem to have the time or energy anymore.

FrostedBaby is now walking almost all the time, except on some occasions where he prefers to crawl for some reason. He’s been racing around the house with the learn-to-walk push toys that I got him a long time ago that he was too afraid to walk with. One of them is a ride-on bus thing that I think he’s probably getting too big for (and he never did figure out how to propel himself forward – he tries it and then gets frustrated and wants off. I’m sorry to say that that comes from me) but he’s in love with trucks and cars right now, so he proudly shows everyone his truck and it’s the greatest thing ever apparently.

His language is incredible. He’s repeating the last word of every sentence we say and he’s remembering words he’s only heard once. He’s starting to put them together to create ideas (like “catty! table! no!” to tell the cat to get off the table) and he says “I throw” when he throws stuff and “I fall” when he purposely throws himself on the ground (but not when he actually falls because he’s usually too upset). It’s much less stressful to leave him with other people who don’t understand him as well as I do because he can communicate in more universally-understood ways. If he’s asking for something and I’m not sure what he’s saying, I can ask him “can you show me?” and he’ll go and point or do something to help me understand him better. I love this part, it’s so interesting.

We got him a swingset and a sandbox for his birthday, so he’s been wanting to be outside every waking moment for the past while because of that. It’s nice because I don’t have to think of things for us to do all the time, but it’s also bad because he’s constantly asking and we can’t always go out, like when it’s thunderstorming or when he had a fever and it was too hot out earlier this week. When we first got it, he was barely eating because he just wanted to be outside.

He just went through a growth spurt where he was sleeping crazy hours (like going down at 6pm and not waking up until 10:30 the next morning -luckily I could hear him breathing and moving around occasionally over the monitor-, and then wanting to go to bed by 6 again. And then the eating hit, and he was eating everything in sight. It seems to have calmed down now and the absolute best part was that he wasn’t waking up at night wanting to eat and then waking himself up too much so that he needed to tire himself out again.

He’s been sick this week. On Monday I left him with a friend while Husband and I went out lawn mower shopping since ours died. He did great with her, which makes me so happy and proud of him. Anyway, that afternoon her son woke up from his nap with a fever. On Thursday, FrostedBaby woke up at 5-something in the morning with a fever of 103.9. As soon as I picked him up, I could feel how hot he was and I ripped his sleeper off, thinking he was just hot from being in a sleeper and the weather had changed overnight. After 10 minutes of just his diaper, he was still burny hot to the touch so I knew it was the same thing as his friend. I gave him some Tyl.e.nol and snuggled him for a bit (he does this snuggle that’s unique to when he has a fever, where he lays very still in my arms and lays his head on my shoulder or under my chin. As much as I don’t like him feeling sick, I must admit that I do love those snuggles since he’s always too busy now) and then he started moving around and seeming better when the Tyl.eno.l kicked in. He had an appetite that day, but was really tired and I could tell as soon as the meds wore off, he would start being clingy and whiney again and go into the fever snuggle. Poor little guy. We spent a good portion of the day snuggled up together on the couch, him sleeping a bit and watching some TV since that’s all he had the energy for. He never really watches TV because he’s too busy playing and running around, so it was really strange for him to sit so still to watch it. The next day his fever broke and it’s been normal ever since, and he mostly seems okay but he’s a lot more whiney and clingy than usual and his appetite is hit and miss. He says he’s hungry but then refuses everything or only plays with it even if he’s specifically asked for it. He keeps saying yes to stuff and then immediately says no right after. I’m not sure if some is a new almost-2 thing or if it’s all related to not feeling well. It’s frustrating because if he were well and pulling this, I’d tell him to suck it up and eat whatever I gave him or not, but that’s all he’s getting. But with him not feeling well and he’s not eating much to begin with, I keep trying and hoping he’ll find something that appeals to him. Hopefully this will be over soon and he’ll be on the upswing.

My friend’s son had a snotty nose and cough and a couple bad days and nights but now seems to be doing better. FrostedBaby has maybe the beginnings of a cough and a snotty nose but nothing for sure yet but I think he might be developing a rash. I did some research on what a high fever with no other symptoms would be and one of the most common things is roseola. I’m not convinced that’s what it is, especially since Friend’s son doesn’t have a rash, but my brother is getting married this weekend and we’re all in the wedding, so I’m betting on that and he’ll have a really nice rash all over his face for the pictures 😛

I have so much more to write about but it’s getting late and I’m going to go to bed. I didn’t sleep well last night because my legs wouldn’t stop twitching. For an hour and a half I was falling asleep and waking up because of them, over and over. That’s so much more annoying than just not being able to fall asleep, since at least then I could read for a while or something, but I was falling asleep in seconds but just couldn’t stay asleep. I really hate having restless legs. I envy people who just had them for pregnancy. They were worse for me during but I had them before and I still have them.

Until next time. Hopefully I won’t be so delinquent and it won’t be as long before I write some more.

20 months, 10 days

FrostedBaby started walking four days ago, on Saturday. Husband put his shoes on to go out and stood him up, and FrostedBaby walked away from him, leaving us going “… wait, what?” It was so funny because after all this time and him saying “noooo, nooo” every time we tried to get him to walk, there he is just doing it like he’s been doing it forever.

He was able to turn and stop and stand in one place right away, with only minimal balance and momentum issues. He falls sometimes, but usually can find his balance again before he does. And now Mr. I’m Too Afraid Of Falling To Walk thinks it’s hilarious to throw himself on the ground.

He still prefers to crawl or run on his knees when he’s playing or if we’re out somewhere, I think because he feels more comfortable and is faster still. Sometimes I tell him to stand up and he makes a “oh yeah!” noise like he’s forgotten he can do that. When we’re home and especially upstairs for some reason, he’s motoring around on his feet, walking from room to room without stopping or balancing on anything. He’s already starting to try to run, but then gets ahead of himself and falls down.

I feel like we’re in a really good stage right now. He has his moments where he melts down but when he realizes he’s not getting what he wants he stops and then asks nicely for it or tries to communicate what it is. Often he’ll resort to that first instead of the whining or screaming. I would estimate he can say over 100 words at this point, and he’s coming up with new ones every day. We went through some of his “first words” board books that he’s been loving for the past while and he was saying words I didn’t know he could say, like “butterfly” and “ladybug”. He brought me the animal colours one and I couldn’t remember what the blue one was when I asked him to find blue, and when I said, “I can’t remember what it is, can I see?” he turned it so I could see it and said “butterfly”. He’s amazing me at least once a day with what he understands and can say and do. He keeps talking in gibberish but it has more inflection and sounds more sentence-like than his earlier babbling. I don’t know if he’s actually trying to say something or if he hears talking around him and is mimicking what it sounds like without trying to add actual content, if that makes sense.

So tantrums and meltdowns are at a low right now, communication is at a high, and he’s able to do so many things he was too afraid to until recently – playing in the sand at the park, climbing on things, playing with others kids, etc. It’s been easier to keep him entertained, especially with the nicer weather, but because he’s able to go to some of the local playplaces that have been too old for him until now. In fact, I credit one of them with finally inspiring him to walk. Maybe not, but since we started going he’s been climbing and doing things he never did before that he learned how to do there. Maybe a coincidence, but I don’t think so. He keeps asking to go outside and cries if he thinks we’re not going to go (like when he had to eat lunch first, or when it was time to play with Daddy after dinner though that time was more because he didn’t ask, just freaked out and it took us a while to figure out what the problem was). We got him a sandbox that he’s loving, especially when I built a sandcastle with the bucket and he yells, “ta da!” and then knocks it down. We’re planning on getting him a swingset and climber and I think we’ve found one that’s a good balance for his age. It seems like most of them if they have the swingset are way too big for him, but any that don’t are kind of shrimpy and he’ll outgrow them really quickly, if he hasn’t already. That’ll be for his birthday, though we’ll be getting it now (since it’s on sale!) and he’ll be able to play with it all summer.

19 months, 25 days

Look at me, I’m still here!

Despite the fact that he seems to be fighting a cold, or at the very least has a runny nose and a cough as a result of the snot, he has been sleeping well (KNOCK ON WOOD). If he wakes up at all, I can either get him back to sleep easily or I snuggle him a bit and then put him down awake and he’s okay. Sometimes he cries a bit but then stops within a minute or two. I’m still afraid that each time will be the start of a new phase of not sleeping or whatever, especially right now with the runny nose (I’m guessing it’s not a cold or at least he’s not feeling badly since he’s going down easily).

His language is still exploding, which continues to be fascinating. His physical development has improved as well – he’s so close to walking now. Over the weekend we took him swimming and he was walking in the pool. I guess the extra resistance of the water gave him the confidence, or maybe he just didn’t notice. We were having trouble keeping up with him (the pool has a graduated depth entrance to it, so he was going shallower and deeper and it’s hard enough to move well when you’re a grown up because of the shallowness but because we were staying where it was not over his head, it was even harder) so we put a life jacket on him so that we didn’t have to be quite as paranoid and have a hand on him at all times (we just held on to the loop at the back of the life jacket) and he was all over the place. And when he’d lose his footing and float onto his back, he’d be shouting “No no no!” the whole time and made frustrated growling noises until we stood him back up, it was quite funny. He even walked into shallow water to his knees (so the water and life jacket weren’t supporting him) and he kept walking until he realized what he was doing and got on his knees instead. I took him to a local play place that’s all tubes and tunnels and stuff and it’s really too old for him, but I was able to encourage him to come and challenge his comfort zone and he did really well. Since then we’ve gone a few times and some times he’s braver than others but he was leading the way for a lot of it, and now he’s doing a lot of new things on his own, like climbing and stuff he hadn’t really done a whole lot of. When we go to the park he climbs on the equipment (if there are stairs) and he goes down the slides by himself (that was new today, as well as saying “slide! slide!” over and over) and it’s so nice to see him getting brave (for him!) and doing things that he wouldn’t have done before. He gets upset less and for less time than he used to and often I’m still hugging him and he’s decided he’s fine and ready to move on again, where before he would hug me for a bit before going off again.

I still haven’t found something for me to do. I find that anytime I try to plan something, something always comes up to wreck the plans. And committing to something for weeks means extra work to find babysitting because Husband travels so much. I did go out by myself two weekends ago though. I just said I was going out and I would be back in a couple of hours and left. I felt sort of bad because I sprung it on him and I just felt guilty, but I really enjoyed my time. I just went to the library with my book and sat and read in peace and quiet for two hours. Until a kid came over and started talking to me 😛 It’s been a rough go lately between Husband traveling and also working on side projects on weekends, which is great because it’s money and that means I get to stay home and not return to work, but it’s still tough. And I’m sure it’s tough for him too, working all the time and being away from home, but that doesn’t mean I can’t complain when it sucks sometimes.

I wanted to write more but it’s late so posting this now.

19 months, 5 days

Right, a post. I’m sure I have so much to say and update on, but it’s like a big crowd trying to fit through a doorway all at once and it all gets stuck and can’t come out when I sit down to write something.

I think the last post I did, I was talking about the sleep troubles with separation anxiety. They continue. I believe it’s been 3 weeks since he’s slept normally. These days he’s either waking up and coming into bed with me, and/or waking up really early. Sometimes he wakes up and I can get him back into his own bed sometimes easily, but mostly with a bit of a fight. Most nights lately he’s been waking up at 1 or 2am and I just bring him in with me because I don’t want to spend an hour fighting to get him down only to bring him in anyway. At least this way we’re all getting some sleep. And it’s not his bed that he’s objecting to, since sometimes I can get him to settle down by sitting beside the crib and stroking his head or patting his back, but then sneaking out is hard because even if he’s snoring asleep, he wakes up the second I make a noise. It’s been pretty awful. Last night was different in that I was at my wit’s end since he went down easily, but woke up an hour later and I spent an hour fruitlessly trying to get him to go back to sleep, first in his bed and then in mine. He couldn’t, so I brought him downstairs and he ran around a bit and then pooped (which is why I think he couldn’t fall asleep, even though he was obviously tired). I changed him and tried to get him back down again, and he was fighting it so I just had it and put him in his crib and left. He never got hysterical and after not too long started to taper off and then fell asleep. He did end up in bed with me at 1am and woke up at 6:30am, but then fell back to sleep until 7:45, which is more his “normal” wakeup time. I put that in quotes because this has started to feel like a new normal since it’s gone on so long, but I’m still hoping it’s a phase that will be over soon. I’ve had only two nights in the past 3+ weeks that I haven’t had to fight to get him back down or bring him into my bed and the rest have been exhausting. Best nights are those he goes down and doesn’t wake until the middle of the night, then goes to sleep easily with me, but I really want to sleep alone or with Husband, not with him.

This is all not aided by Husband working a lot and traveling a lot and not being able to really help much with the getting him down even when he is around but at least being here for moral support and all. I am seriously wondering why I want a second lately. And if. If I found out I was pregnant right now (not likely since I just finished my period), I am not at all sure that I would be happy. I would, but I’m so burnt out and tired of doing it all that if we had a second I am not at all sure I could deal with it. And I think about having to go through all this stuff a second time with another one and I am not at all sure it’s a good idea. And yet if I came from the future to tell myself that I’d never have a second one, I think I’d be disappointed all the same.

In the good part of things, he is learning so quickly and when he’s not whining and clinging is an absolute delight. He’s silly and sweet and laughs at everything. He’s so friendly to everyone, including other kids now, and he’s really social now. I think going to the Early Years Centres has been a huge help since he’s exposed to other people and kids and can explore and gain his confidence. He’s been running around with other kids who would have scared him when he was younger and it’s so nice to see. He’s still sensitive and needs a hug occasionally, but he’s maturing a lot in his social skills.

He’s been fascinated with the baby dolls at the centres and always spends some time playing with them, sometimes making a beeline for them first thing when we get there. I took him to the used kids’ stuff store and we found a doll that he fell in love with there. He hugged her and kissed her and sang to her the whole way home. We stopped on the way to go in to another place, and I said we had to leave his baby in the car and he kissed her and said, “bye bye baby”. This morning I shot a really cute video of him where I asked him to find his baby and he crawled off to get her, saying “baby baby baby” the whole time. Then he kissed her a few times, then kissed the cat a few times, then took her off to his garage toy and tried to put her down the car ramp and seemed very disappointed when I said she wouldn’t fit. He’s very sweet with her and with real babies, although he does a lot of sliding her along the floor on her face and throwing her and stuff too.

His language is really exploding, both understanding and communicating. He has over 50 words for sure, maybe in the 60+ range now. I’ve lost track now. He’s been fascinated with his little board books so we’ve been reading them many many times a day and he’s picked up on a lot of the words or concepts, like animal noises or body parts or other things (one of the books is noises and has things like bang bang and ring ring and he does actions for them even though he can’t say the noises himself yet). He recognizes the pictures and can name them without help, can recognize animals and say their noises and even uses them for other things like when he found sheep toys somewhere else or saw a picture of a sheep he knew to baa. Although he also baaed when he found a toy jaguar, at least until we corrected him. It’s pretty cute seeing him figure things out and he’s so proud when he gets it right. He understands so much, and is starting to be able to communicate things better which both makes things easier and more frustrating, probably for both of us. We have him saying please when he wants something instead of whining, although that doesn’t always work but he’s pretty good at it. We’re trying to get him to ask for things instead of whining or demanding and trying to nip that behaviour in the bud, especially the whining. Most of the time he’s pretty good but sometimes it’s hard to figure out what he’s asking for or he’s whining or cries because he’s frustrated and can’t communicate what it is. That’s pretty normal and I think he’s doing really well.

He’s not walking yet, though he will walk with me with just one hand now without too much complaining. I’m really glad right now that he’s accelerated with the talking rather than walking because a friend is the opposite and her son communicates all in whining because he doesn’t have those skills yet, which would drive me nuts. I got a referral for a couple of places that do physio, one is a centre and one does in-home stuff. I figure that by the time I hear from them, if he isn’t walking by then then we’ll definitely need the services. I’m pretty sure it’s just a confidence thing and he’ll do it, but I’ve been saying that for months and it hasn’t happened. I’m trying to encourage him without putting too much emphasis on it because I know he has to be ready, but I also wonder if he might benefit from someone aside from me doing it. Sometimes he acts braver for other people than he does for me. I’m not sure if that’s because he knows he can be weak with me, or because I’m a sucker 😛 I’d like to think it’s the first, but maybe I’m too easy on him. It’s sometimes hard to balance being sensitive to his sensitivity and letting him come into things on his own and pushing him to test his limits and get past them.

I think I am needing to do something for me again. I forget if I’ve said this before, maybe I have, but I felt so good when I was doing the pottery class and getting out and doing stuff unrelated to taking care of FrostedBaby, and now I have nothing and I’ve gotten into the rut of not making that time. Even when I went out with some mom friends, it was good but he refused to go to bed and so I knew I had to get home to get him down. Husband tried, but he wouldn’t go for him and so I never felt like I was truly off duty. Husband working is great because it’s a freelance thing that pays really well, but means I get even less breaks than usual and I’m really just in need of time to myself. Thing is, I don’t even know what I want to do. I want time away, but I don’t necessarily want to leave the house because I have no idea where to go. I want to be able to sit and read my book and have some time without having to worry about anyone else. I suppose I could go to the library and hang out, but the chairs aren’t super comfy there and I can’t think of anywhere else. I just find that when I’m in the room, I’m always in charge no matter what, which is frustrating. And then I come up with excuses to leave the room but it’s always to get stuff done – fold laundry, clean, etc. which is not really a break in a recharging kind of way. I need to make a point of taking time for me and not feeling guilty about it.

19 months tomorrow

We are still alive. I keep wanting to update and I just seem to have no time. Or when I do have time, I’m so exhausted I don’t want to think too hard. It’s been over a month since I posted, and even longer since I posted anything of substance.

We’re going through a separation anxiety phase which is exhausting. He was sick and sleeping with me and since then he’s been very hit and miss on the sleeping alone. Sometimes I can get him back down in his crib, sometimes I can’t, sometimes I don’t even try since I’m more interested in getting everyone back in bed and asleep as quickly as possible since he’s waking up earlier in the morning. In the past two weeks (or is it three? I think it’s only two) there has only been one night where he’s slept the whole night in his own bed without waking up and/or coming into my bed. Well, that night he woke up at 6 and I brought him into bed and we went back to sleep for another while.

I was feeling pretty down on myself because I feel like bringing him into bed with me is not a great solution, especially since he’s at the age where he can start manipulating and stuff, but letting him cry is not a good option because he gets hysterical really fast and that just makes everything worse, and getting him back down in his own bed is often really difficult (or impossible and wastes hours when we could have been sleeping) and then no one sleeps. It just seems like there are no good solutions and I’m terrified that some of it is me being too soft on him or something. Then my friend whose son is two days younger than FrostedBaby said her son is doing the same thing and he’s not at all sensitive or a mommy’s boy at all, so it’s probably the age. Separation anxiety peaks at around 18 months. I remember reading that when he was going through it at 12 months or whenever it was and thinking “great, another 6 months of this”. Well, now I read that it should be totally gone by 3 years old. Why do they keep moving the age when it will for sure be over every time I look it up?!

Anyway, so it’s been tough lately. I think his SA during the day has been better lately, so I’m hoping the nighttime will follow and I got a new carrier that’s really comfortable and I can put him in it if he’s being super clingy while I’m making dinner or needing to get things done and he loves it and quiets down right away.

I want to write about other stuff, but I’m heading to bed. We have a doctor’s appointment in the morning to follow up after a course of antibiotics he was on for a chest infection. I made it for 9am because I wasn’t thinking and we were there for the walk-in hour of 8-9am when I made it, but that was because I just got him up and took his temperature and he still had a fever (the 4th day in a row) and I just packed us up and went over. Now he’s eating normally and all so it won’t be quite so easy. Oh well, we’ll work it out. At least if he’s eating breakfast in the waiting room it’ll keep him occupied, and hopefully we won’t be waiting and it won’t take too long.

Hopefully I’ll be posting with a more in depth update soon!