I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for April, 2015

3 years, almost 8 months

I sometimes read other people’s blogs when I have time, which is not very often anymore (or rather, that I choose to spend what time I do have doing other things), and I think how much I miss writing and updating and the therapy of writing stuff down and being able to go back and read what I’ve written and remembering so much of it, but at the same time not. I would love to be able to do that again with the frequency that I used to, but life feels so busy and I’m tired and I feel like I have so much and so little to write about at the same time.

FrostedBaby is so different than he was even the last time I wrote. Some days I barely recognize him as the shy, nervous kid that he was. We went to a play place at a fast food restaurant recently and I wasn’t sure how it would go but he noticed it when we were driving by once about two months ago and has been asking to go ever since, so we finally went. I wasn’t sure if it would be too big for him because he’s not much of a climber and the slides are big and enclosed and all, but I was shocked when he climbed right to the top and went down the biggest slide and he had a great time. He’s outgoing and loves other kids and can make friends with pretty much anybody (though he avoids kids who make too much noise or who are too rough for him) and it’s so awesome to see. I’m working a couple of days a week now and he goes to daycare and he loves it. We’re at a different daycare than when I last wrote (I think I wrote about that), and this one has a girl his age and they have so much fun. I think it’s great for him and it’s good for me. I’m enjoying having a few days “off” and it makes me feel more ready to face the day and give him the attention he deserves without feeling like I’m doing the same stuff day in and day out like I was feeling for a while. I feel much more relaxed about him starting school because he’s shown so much confidence and has the skills now to deal with things himself. We’re still working on some things, but overall he’s matured so much and I’m really proud of him.

Project Sibling is going nowhere. It’s been almost a year and a half since the last miscarriage and there’s been absolutely nothing since. I feel stuck in limboland because I’m not quite ready to give up, but I’m not willing to spend money on any treatments and I feel disinterested in even talking to any doctors because it never did us any good, though at the same time I’m second guessing myself. I just feel like either our problems are so deep that it’ll be super expensive to treat, or else they’ll still find nothing and it’ll be completely useless. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want another one anyway. I mean, I do, but at the same time my family will never look like I wanted it to, and we’re at the point where things are getting a bit easier and I’m looking at returning to work full time once he’s in school and I’m not 100% sure that I’m wanting to put all that on hold to go back to the beginning again. Obviously if I got pregnant I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I don’t feel that not having another at this point would be the worst thing. Plus there’s the whole “we won the jackpot” thing with FrostedBaby and I’m terrified of what a second would be like after he’s been so easy. There has to be some sort of payback for that 😉

What I’m hating most right now is that of course all my friends are moving on and having their seconds (and some of them still have idea how lucky they are, which drives me nuts) and I feel like I’m being left behind again, or that I need to put distance between us because it really hurts when they don’t even want to spend time with their kids and all I want is to have multiple kids. Plus the “oh, it’ll still happen” and “have you tried this” and “I hate that you’re giving up” well-meaning words that make me SO MAD. I hardly think that after 9 years that I’m giving up, and I can assure you that no one hates it more than me, but I’m ready to move on and stop this whole thing. Sell the baby stuff, take the possibility off the table, and move on. Count our blessings with what we do have (which is not insignificant) and leave this part behind.

Plus we’re going to Rome next month and flying first class, so I want to be able to drink. Last time I flew First Class on a plane, I was 16 weeks pregnant and couldn’t enjoy the free booze.