I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for September, 2014

3 years, 15 days

This is a post just to make a post since I’ve been so quiet. I’ve started posts and left them and never came back to them.

FrostedBaby turned 3 a couple of weeks ago. He’s obsessed with airplanes so my parents got him one and another friend got him another one and he’s been playing with them nonstop ever since. He reads about them, he talks about them, he plays with them, everything is airplanes airplanes airplanes.

He is both amazing at this age and SO FRUSTRATING. Everything right now is a fight to get him to do anything. The answer is No to everything (or “no thank you”, so at least he’s polite) and there’s excuses for everything. I feel like all day I’m asking him to do something, then counting him down to do it (which he will react to), then doing stuff that makes whatever difficult. Like today we were heading out to a playdate so I asked him to come get dressed, counted him down and he got up off the couch and said he was getting some books, so he carries two books over to hold while I’m getting him dressed. He put one down on the stair and I got his shirt over his head and was trying to get his free hand into the arm hole, while he’s reaching for the second book with that hand because he just HAS to hold two books while getting his shirt on. Three year old logic defies understanding from more rational minds. Some days I wonder if I would survive with a more challenging kid, because I realize even when he’s being difficult, he’s still pretty easy.

I’ve picked up a part time job working on Saturdays (I forget if I’ve actually posted about that or if I’ve written about it but not posted) and that’s been nice to have one day a week that’s different, plus FrostedBaby gets to spend time with Husband and that’s pretty nice for them. I like the job, I like my co-workers, I like making money (as little as it is), I like playing a different role than Mom for a while. It’s been good, though it does cut into our family time a bit and that’s too bad but it’s a good tradeoff for right now.

Struggling with the whole IF thing still. So many people I know gave birth right around what should have been my most recent due date (and how much do I wish I didn’t know that?) and still nothing for us and I’m just feeling very done with the whole thing but not quite ready to give up for real so I feel like I’m in a holding pattern of nothing. Except good news for everyone else but me, of course. And I’m sure that it’ll be so long before the next time and I’ll lose that too and it’s just not fair and all those usual feelings. Sometimes I’m just sick of thinking about it and feeling it and writing about it and it all sucks. And maybe we should just stop and close the door on that and move on and be happy. There are definite advantages to that, that’s for sure. My family will never look like I wanted it to and that’s hard to swallow, and every cycle that goes by it gets farther and farther away from that image. And I know that if it happens it’ll feel like the way it was meant to be, but maybe it never will happen and I’m not sure if that will ever feel as meant to be as I want it to.

I realize I’ve lost a lot of my old blogs when my blog reader shut down and I hadn’t been able to export my list properly. I’ve also not kept up with my reading for the past while. Who knows if I have any readers left anyway. Though I can’t imagine anyone wanting to miss every post I don’t actually post 😉