I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

19 months, 5 days

Right, a post. I’m sure I have so much to say and update on, but it’s like a big crowd trying to fit through a doorway all at once and it all gets stuck and can’t come out when I sit down to write something.

I think the last post I did, I was talking about the sleep troubles with separation anxiety. They continue. I believe it’s been 3 weeks since he’s slept normally. These days he’s either waking up and coming into bed with me, and/or waking up really early. Sometimes he wakes up and I can get him back into his own bed sometimes easily, but mostly with a bit of a fight. Most nights lately he’s been waking up at 1 or 2am and I just bring him in with me because I don’t want to spend an hour fighting to get him down only to bring him in anyway. At least this way we’re all getting some sleep. And it’s not his bed that he’s objecting to, since sometimes I can get him to settle down by sitting beside the crib and stroking his head or patting his back, but then sneaking out is hard because even if he’s snoring asleep, he wakes up the second I make a noise. It’s been pretty awful. Last night was different in that I was at my wit’s end since he went down easily, but woke up an hour later and I spent an hour fruitlessly trying to get him to go back to sleep, first in his bed and then in mine. He couldn’t, so I brought him downstairs and he ran around a bit and then pooped (which is why I think he couldn’t fall asleep, even though he was obviously tired). I changed him and tried to get him back down again, and he was fighting it so I just had it and put him in his crib and left. He never got hysterical and after not too long started to taper off and then fell asleep. He did end up in bed with me at 1am and woke up at 6:30am, but then fell back to sleep until 7:45, which is more his “normal” wakeup time. I put that in quotes because this has started to feel like a new normal since it’s gone on so long, but I’m still hoping it’s a phase that will be over soon. I’ve had only two nights in the past 3+ weeks that I haven’t had to fight to get him back down or bring him into my bed and the rest have been exhausting. Best nights are those he goes down and doesn’t wake until the middle of the night, then goes to sleep easily with me, but I really want to sleep alone or with Husband, not with him.

This is all not aided by Husband working a lot and traveling a lot and not being able to really help much with the getting him down even when he is around but at least being here for moral support and all. I am seriously wondering why I want a second lately. And if. If I found out I was pregnant right now (not likely since I just finished my period), I am not at all sure that I would be happy. I would, but I’m so burnt out and tired of doing it all that if we had a second I am not at all sure I could deal with it. And I think about having to go through all this stuff a second time with another one and I am not at all sure it’s a good idea. And yet if I came from the future to tell myself that I’d never have a second one, I think I’d be disappointed all the same.

In the good part of things, he is learning so quickly and when he’s not whining and clinging is an absolute delight. He’s silly and sweet and laughs at everything. He’s so friendly to everyone, including other kids now, and he’s really social now. I think going to the Early Years Centres has been a huge help since he’s exposed to other people and kids and can explore and gain his confidence. He’s been running around with other kids who would have scared him when he was younger and it’s so nice to see. He’s still sensitive and needs a hug occasionally, but he’s maturing a lot in his social skills.

He’s been fascinated with the baby dolls at the centres and always spends some time playing with them, sometimes making a beeline for them first thing when we get there. I took him to the used kids’ stuff store and we found a doll that he fell in love with there. He hugged her and kissed her and sang to her the whole way home. We stopped on the way to go in to another place, and I said we had to leave his baby in the car and he kissed her and said, “bye bye baby”. This morning I shot a really cute video of him where I asked him to find his baby and he crawled off to get her, saying “baby baby baby” the whole time. Then he kissed her a few times, then kissed the cat a few times, then took her off to his garage toy and tried to put her down the car ramp and seemed very disappointed when I said she wouldn’t fit. He’s very sweet with her and with real babies, although he does a lot of sliding her along the floor on her face and throwing her and stuff too.

His language is really exploding, both understanding and communicating. He has over 50 words for sure, maybe in the 60+ range now. I’ve lost track now. He’s been fascinated with his little board books so we’ve been reading them many many times a day and he’s picked up on a lot of the words or concepts, like animal noises or body parts or other things (one of the books is noises and has things like bang bang and ring ring and he does actions for them even though he can’t say the noises himself yet). He recognizes the pictures and can name them without help, can recognize animals and say their noises and even uses them for other things like when he found sheep toys somewhere else or saw a picture of a sheep he knew to baa. Although he also baaed when he found a toy jaguar, at least until we corrected him. It’s pretty cute seeing him figure things out and he’s so proud when he gets it right. He understands so much, and is starting to be able to communicate things better which both makes things easier and more frustrating, probably for both of us. We have him saying please when he wants something instead of whining, although that doesn’t always work but he’s pretty good at it. We’re trying to get him to ask for things instead of whining or demanding and trying to nip that behaviour in the bud, especially the whining. Most of the time he’s pretty good but sometimes it’s hard to figure out what he’s asking for or he’s whining or cries because he’s frustrated and can’t communicate what it is. That’s pretty normal and I think he’s doing really well.

He’s not walking yet, though he will walk with me with just one hand now without too much complaining. I’m really glad right now that he’s accelerated with the talking rather than walking because a friend is the opposite and her son communicates all in whining because he doesn’t have those skills yet, which would drive me nuts. I got a referral for a couple of places that do physio, one is a centre and one does in-home stuff. I figure that by the time I hear from them, if he isn’t walking by then then we’ll definitely need the services. I’m pretty sure it’s just a confidence thing and he’ll do it, but I’ve been saying that for months and it hasn’t happened. I’m trying to encourage him without putting too much emphasis on it because I know he has to be ready, but I also wonder if he might benefit from someone aside from me doing it. Sometimes he acts braver for other people than he does for me. I’m not sure if that’s because he knows he can be weak with me, or because I’m a sucker 😛 I’d like to think it’s the first, but maybe I’m too easy on him. It’s sometimes hard to balance being sensitive to his sensitivity and letting him come into things on his own and pushing him to test his limits and get past them.

I think I am needing to do something for me again. I forget if I’ve said this before, maybe I have, but I felt so good when I was doing the pottery class and getting out and doing stuff unrelated to taking care of FrostedBaby, and now I have nothing and I’ve gotten into the rut of not making that time. Even when I went out with some mom friends, it was good but he refused to go to bed and so I knew I had to get home to get him down. Husband tried, but he wouldn’t go for him and so I never felt like I was truly off duty. Husband working is great because it’s a freelance thing that pays really well, but means I get even less breaks than usual and I’m really just in need of time to myself. Thing is, I don’t even know what I want to do. I want time away, but I don’t necessarily want to leave the house because I have no idea where to go. I want to be able to sit and read my book and have some time without having to worry about anyone else. I suppose I could go to the library and hang out, but the chairs aren’t super comfy there and I can’t think of anywhere else. I just find that when I’m in the room, I’m always in charge no matter what, which is frustrating. And then I come up with excuses to leave the room but it’s always to get stuff done – fold laundry, clean, etc. which is not really a break in a recharging kind of way. I need to make a point of taking time for me and not feeling guilty about it.


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