I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

17 months, 22 days

It’s been a while. I’ve had several posts started and then either couldn’t post (or they didn’t post properly after I typed them out) or else they never got finished. I’m reading back on my last post to see what I need to update about. Perhaps I’ll do point form.

– It has been over three weeks since FrostedBaby last nursed and he has not once asked for it, even when we were away at the in-laws’ for the weekend and he was really upset about not being home and refused to sleep and screamed a lot. I was so sure that would be the time he did, but he did not indicate that he wanted it. I thought about offering since I thought it would calm him down, but if his latch was that bad at the end, it would be even worse now so I didn’t. I still don’t really miss it. I do miss parts about it – having something to comfort him with, knowing that if he’s not feeling well and not eating that as long as he’s nursing (which he always did though he wasn’t sick very much while he was still nursing) I didn’t have to worry, etc. I do not miss the actual act of doing it though, mostly because of the discomfort at the end. And honestly, I just really like having my body back to myself and not having a sensitive part of me being sucked on regularly.

– He’s been sleeping better lately, except for the past few nights when he’s been fighting a cold. So far he’s gone back down pretty easily (KNOCK ON WOOD) when I go in and snuggle him in the dark and he immediately settles down and goes to sleep and goes down easily, just like he used to before the phase where he didn’t. I don’t dread him waking up nearly as much when I know it’ll be just a matter of settling him down and leaving easily. Of course, today he finally seems to have come down with the cold he’s been fighting so we’ll see if it’s that easy tonight since he was so clingy during the day.

– So yeah, he’s sick. He’s been acting off the past few days. Last Thursday (today’s Tuesday, so 5 days ago) he was okay until dinnertime when he refused dinner and then puked shortly afterwards, but then perked p and ate some applesauce and cheerios for dinner and went to bed fine. He was fine except for his eating the next day and slept fine. Then he refused dinner again (and it was pizza, his favourite!) and spiked a fever of 102.4, which came down after some meds and hasn’t come back. The past two nights he’s been waking up coughing usually and then goes back down as described above, which made me wonder if he actually was sick or if it was teeth. Usually when he’s sick and feeling bad, he refuses to sleep on his own and I go crazy. Anyway, so this morning he was still laying down when I went in and he just held his hands out to me and then put his head on my shoulder and stayed that way. (putting his head down isn’t unusual since it’s the way he hugs and he does it when he gets tired, but staying that way for a while is weird). He was really quiet and when I put him on his change pad to change him, he put his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. Usually he’s chattering and laughing and being silly. And when I put him on the ground, he just put his head down and closed his eyes. Husband stayed with him while I went in the shower (our usual routine when he’s around) and I had brought him some water to see if he’d drink anything and he had drunk the whole sippy by the time I got out of the shower, which is maybe 15 minutes. And then he drank another half when we came downstairs. He seemed to perk up then and ate some Cheerios. He was really whiney and clingy all day and he took a nap on me (he hasn’t taken a nap in months, except when he was sick over Christmas) and was very insistent in being ready for one. We ran out to the store to pick up more meds and he was cheerful for that, though he got whiney again a while later when he got tired. He went down for bed easily and although he’s coughed once or twice, he hasn’t woken up or cried. Yet. I got him one of those homeopathic cold syrups that are okay for young babies, hoping that it might help him sleep better. I’m iffy on one of the ingredients (the belladonna) but if it works I’ll get over it. I haven’t been sleeping well because I’m so sure he’s going to wake up every time he makes a noise that I’m not falling asleep and I’m on high alert so I’m jolting awake all the time.

– He’s suddenly in love with a book that he got for Christmas (and we had it out from the library a while ago). It’s a book of rhyming couplets about cats, illustrating opposites (“This cat is big, this cat is small, this cat is short, this cat is tall”) and right now it’s the only book he will sit and listen to and he constantly asks for it, and wants it read multiple times. There’s one cat who looks like ours and the first time he reacted to the book, he ran over to pat it and made very excited noises. Now when you’re reading it, you can see him looking at each picture. He always leans in to have his head kissed at the cat who is sad and the cat who has a cold. The other day I asked Husband if he would read it to him (we read it twice before bed now) and he raced over to it, picked it up and held it out to me and then Husband saying, “mama? dada?” When we finish, he closes the book, flips it over, smacks his hands on the cover and says, “Yeah!”

– FrostedBaby had started to climb the stairs finally and thought it was the greatest thing ever. All I had to do was say, “let’s go upstairs!” and he’d come running from whatever he was doing and climb them. We even had to gate them so prevent him from just going up on his own (not a problem as far as safety is concerned, just a matter of knowing where he is). Then one time on his like third day doing it, he slipped a bit on a stair and has been afraid to go up them ever since. Sometimes I can get him to go one or two steps, but mostly he whines and cries and tries to turn around so he can convince me to pick him up. This lends support to my thought that he doesn’t walk yet because he’s just too nervous to. If he stumbles even a tiny bit, not even falling, he cries like he he’s taken a huge fall. It doesn’t last long and I’m not sure if it’s fear or maybe at least partly some frustration that he can’t do what he wants to do, but he’s definitely nervous about it. He’s just recently started really wanting to walk around while holding onto my hands, but if I have him hold my fingers and don’t curl the others around to touch his hands, he gets scared and stops moving. He thinks that I’m doing the holding him up, even though he’s the one holding onto me and keeping himself up. Sometimes I think I’m literally going to have to walk him down the aisle at his wedding. Though at least I won’t have to breastfeed him before like I was afraid of for a while 😉


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