I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

15 months, 18 days

FrostedBaby has had a fever for the past two days. He woke up yesterday morning and his cheeks were all red and he felt very warm to the touch. I thought it might be that he was just hot in his pajamas so I brought him into bed to nurse (he was crying so I assumed he woke up hungry) in just his (clean) diaper and he only ate one side then he was crying and clingy and still felt hot. I took his temperature and it was 101.1, which is a fever but not really bad. And then he was running around and acting normal so I decided to monitor him rather than giving him Ty.len.ol right away.

He ate most of his breakfast and then was acting normal but got whiney and clingy a bit later on, though he felt cooler so I thought he was just tired. He didn’t eat much for lunch, and when I took his temperature before putting him down for his nap and it was 102.3! He slept for three hours (he hasn’t slept that long in months and even then it was rare) and his temp was 102.1 when he got up. I gave him T.y.lenol then and he played and had a bit of a dinner and then went to bed. It was too early for another dose, and his temp was 99.8 (his temp runs high so when he’s normal he reads in the 99s). He woke up a few hours later (right after I turned my light off, naturally) with a temp of 103.4 so I gave him Ty.le.nol and then only seemed to be pacifying himself on my boob but the world ended when I put a stop to that so I tried to give him a snack of real food, which he was not interested in. And then he played for a bit before whining that he was tired and I nursed him again (which he was very interested in) and then he slept until 9 this morning, an hour later than normal.

Then he was fine until he got tired and I put him down for his nap earlier than usual and he slept for 2.5 hours until I poked my head in and he woke up. His temperature has been steady in the 101s today and he mostly seems to be feeling okay. He nursed both sides this morning, ate all his breakfast, didn’t eat much lunch, but has eaten a lot since he got up from nap.

I’m sort of terrified at how much he’s going to eat after he’s feeling better and his body decides he needs to make up for lost time. He already eats a lot. I was joking with my sister that we’re going to move into the grocery store and keep a running tab.

______

And here we are a few days later – 15 months, 20 days. FrostedBaby’s fever is gone now; when he woke up yesterday his temperature was normal. He’s been mostly eating normally, though now often wants snacks where he didn’t before, or gets hungry for his meals faster, but it hasn’t quite been the foodfest that I expected, thankfully.

Today I took him to get his hair cut again. I got them to cut it shorter this time since last time it was perfect but within a really short time it was starting to get too long and weigh itself down. It’s fine to be long when it’s curly, but it’s been straighter lately (because of the length and the lack of humidity in the air) and it just looks messy and it was getting in his eyes. Plus people kept complimenting me on my beautiful daughter. Which, yes he could very easily pass for a girl since he has an ambiguous face and he is beautiful, but still. I’m thinking/hoping it will still curl up after his bath but right now it’s straight because they used cold or room temperature water on it, but either way it looks cute. I tried ruffling it up by wetting it, but it didn’t do too much; I’m hoping that’s just because it’s harder to do it that way and doesn’t always work.

I am feeling disconnected lately. I read posts and statuses on the IF board I’m on and I want to be supportive and active there, but I don’t feel I quite belong anywhere right now. I’m not cycling, I’m not actively trying (that would require both ovulating and having sex, neither of which are happening and not by my choice), I feel like a jerk talking about wanting a second and especially because I don’t think we’ll pursue ART treatments when so many can’t even dream of having a baby without help and may never get there. And yet I also don’t feel like I belong on a regular board or even among my friends talking about second babies (which as I’ve mentioned, everyone is) because I just don’t feel like I can take it for granted or say much beyond, “yeah, I hope”. I’m reading a book (Becoming Sister Wives, written by that polygamist family who have the TV show that I’ve never watched – it’s quite an interesting read) and the first wife couldn’t get pregnant for the first five years of their marriage (how terrible would that be, especially when the second wife gets pregnant first and only six months after they got married?), then did and had the baby, then didn’t for another twelve years and lost that one and never did again. I just can’t help but worry that that will be me. And I’m not sure if I would rather know so I could move on from the dream, or not know so I don’t ever lose that hope. As it is, my kids will already be farther apart in age than I would have chosen if I could plan, which isn’t the worst thing, but it’s always hard to give up or change the dream you’ve always had. I’m afraid at this point that they’ll be years and years apart and won’t be close because of that.

I suppose at least I’m not the one whose husband left her out of the blue one morning when all along they’d been talking about having a second really soon. At least I still have the potential of having a second relatively close, and with the same man as my first.

On the other hand, I am enjoying my time with just FrostedBaby and sometimes I wonder if I really do want another and do I really want to do all the stuff we’ve gone through all over again? I think it’s one of those decisions you make with your heart and not your head. In my head, I’m not sure. In my heart, I know I want another and my family won’t be totally complete without a second. In my heart, I’m ready to be pregnant and do all that again. FrostedBaby has developed a sudden interest in new babies and he likes to go look at them and pet their heads. I think he’s trying to tell me something.

And now he’s up from his nap so I’m going to post this before I forget again.

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