I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for December, 2012

16 months, 8 days

What a crazy couple of weeks it’s been.

We had friends over in the middle of December and they failed to mention that their kids were sick until after they came and they were coughing all over the place. I really hate when people do that. I know sick happens, but I’d rather not expose ourselves unnecessarily and I think it’s common courtesy to let people know ahead of time that your kids are sick so you can reschedule if they want to. Because of this, FrostedBaby got sick and then I got sick and our date had to be cancelled, Christmas was more endured than enjoyed, and my Moms Night was cancelled as well.

I’m really ticked off about having to cancel our date. We haven’t had one since like May because although our wedding anniversary was in August, Husband was traveling so much that we never got a chance and could never work out a day that would work for us and babysitting and all. I got a Groupon to go do something fun (I’ll write about it after we’ve done it since Husband doesn’t know what it is and I don’t want to spoil it if he reads this) and we had it planned for weeks to be on our dating anniversary (16 years we’ve been together!) and we were so looking forward to it. And I know our friends didn’t do it on purpose, but I’m feeling sorry for myself so I’m mad that we had to miss it because of their <s>inconsideration</s> <s>inconsiderateness</s> lack of consideration when they get to go out on dates all the time and make such a big deal out of how much they need it. But we wouldn’t understand because we don’t have five kids like they do. Everything is always so much harder for them and how awful their life is and blah blah, but hey, I didn’t decide to have five kids. It’s not like most of them were a surprise either, they used ART to have them. And when you just had one, that was also the hardest thing ever and no one without kids could ever understand. Bleh. I’m just annoyed and I’m tired of being sick and having all our fun plans cancelled because of this. And I haven’t even gotten a “sorry to hear you’re sick” or “that sucks you had to cancel your date”, I just got a “I heard baby was sick and you didn’t go on your date, so does that mean we can’t pick up the jacket we left at your house from your parents’?” (they left a jacket at our place and we were going to take it to my parents’ who live closer for them to pick up, if you couldn’t figure that out). Anyway, that was not supposed to be such a long rant.

FrostedBaby refused to sleep by himself when he was sick and would only sleep if he were with me. He was up for 24 hours straight (minus a couple of hours here and there) before I realized that that was the problem and finally convinced him to sleep on the couch with me. He was being fussy and uninterested in sleeping and then I sang the MagicLullaby(tm) and his eyes closed and he slept for three hours. That night and the next we slept on the couch and then the next two we moved into the guest room where I set up some blanket under the sheets to prevent him from rolling out and then I was able to sleep better since I could roll over and have a bit more room. Finally on Christmas Day he went to bed on his own for a bit before waking up stuffed up and would only settle down when I brought him into bed with me, but since then he’s slept on his own. He wakes up coughing occasionally, and a few times he’s cried but I give him a few minutes before going in and so far he’s gone back to sleep on his own every time.

This has allowed me to get some good quality sleep and I’m feeling better now, although I’m constantly battling fatigue. It doesn’t help that I keep waking up at 4:30 wide awake and/or having coughing fits. Last night FrostedBaby and I were both up at that time coughing. Twice he cried and both times just as I was about to go in to see him, he stopped and went back to sleep.

Christmas was good, although I would have obviously liked to have been feeling better. I started out the day not feeling too bad, but it got worse and worse over the course of it. We had phoned everyone to let them know that FrostedBaby had been sick and I was just coming down with it, but everyone still wanted to come. Luckily he was feeling really good and enjoyed playing with everyone and having all the attention and Husband does all the cooking and stuff, so I was able to lay around when I needed to, but by the end of the day I was totally exhausted.

Things FrostedBaby got for Christmas this year: Husband’s parents gave us money and we got him a My Pal Scout, which he LOVES; we picked up a second-hand Fisher Price farm (for $10!) and some bath toys, both of which he also enjoys playing with. My sister got him a stuffed turtle Beanie Baby ball thing and a Berenstain Bears collection book. My parents got him some books off his wishlist. “Santa” (read: my husband) got him the Scout toy laptop thing since he loves the stuffed toy so much. He’s too young to be excited by the new books but has enjoyed sitting and having them read to him.

He is now saying “apple” and “cheese” and “purple” (of all colours, purple is the one he says the first?!) and will bring them up randomly. He calls every animal “catty”, and even though he can also say “doggie” (from seeing dogs at the park), he calls them “catty” too, no matter how many times I correct him. He signs “more” and “all done” and sometimes seems to use them properly when he means them and then other times uses them together or does things like frantically signing “all done all done all done” and then points at his food and uhhs for more. This morning he was playing with the cat for a bit, then came over and wanted up on the bed with us so I brought him up and we were trying to call the cat over. I was kissing at him and patting the bed to encourage him to jump up, and then FrostedBaby copied me and did it too. I really need to get video of them playing together and see if I can get him copying me doing stuff.

Sometimes I wish that I could record everything and then edit out all the boring stuff and keep the good stuff.

15 months, 24 days

FrostedBaby has started calling the cat “catty”. He is very consistent about it and says it when he sees the cat or if one of us says cat.

I have no idea where he got it from – if it’s an extension of adding the “ee” sound to the end of most things – mommy, daddy, doggie, etc. Either that or it’s a mix of cat and kitty, both of which he has said in the past. Regardless, he’s not mimicking us because neither of us have ever called the cat that 😛

His c sound still sounds sort of like a d, but it’s distinct from how he says “daddy”, which was especially clear when he said, “catty, daddy” today. You can definitely hear the difference between his d and t sounds.

15 months, 18 days

FrostedBaby has had a fever for the past two days. He woke up yesterday morning and his cheeks were all red and he felt very warm to the touch. I thought it might be that he was just hot in his pajamas so I brought him into bed to nurse (he was crying so I assumed he woke up hungry) in just his (clean) diaper and he only ate one side then he was crying and clingy and still felt hot. I took his temperature and it was 101.1, which is a fever but not really bad. And then he was running around and acting normal so I decided to monitor him rather than giving him Ty.len.ol right away.

He ate most of his breakfast and then was acting normal but got whiney and clingy a bit later on, though he felt cooler so I thought he was just tired. He didn’t eat much for lunch, and when I took his temperature before putting him down for his nap and it was 102.3! He slept for three hours (he hasn’t slept that long in months and even then it was rare) and his temp was 102.1 when he got up. I gave him T.y.lenol then and he played and had a bit of a dinner and then went to bed. It was too early for another dose, and his temp was 99.8 (his temp runs high so when he’s normal he reads in the 99s). He woke up a few hours later (right after I turned my light off, naturally) with a temp of 103.4 so I gave him Ty.le.nol and then only seemed to be pacifying himself on my boob but the world ended when I put a stop to that so I tried to give him a snack of real food, which he was not interested in. And then he played for a bit before whining that he was tired and I nursed him again (which he was very interested in) and then he slept until 9 this morning, an hour later than normal.

Then he was fine until he got tired and I put him down for his nap earlier than usual and he slept for 2.5 hours until I poked my head in and he woke up. His temperature has been steady in the 101s today and he mostly seems to be feeling okay. He nursed both sides this morning, ate all his breakfast, didn’t eat much lunch, but has eaten a lot since he got up from nap.

I’m sort of terrified at how much he’s going to eat after he’s feeling better and his body decides he needs to make up for lost time. He already eats a lot. I was joking with my sister that we’re going to move into the grocery store and keep a running tab.

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And here we are a few days later – 15 months, 20 days. FrostedBaby’s fever is gone now; when he woke up yesterday his temperature was normal. He’s been mostly eating normally, though now often wants snacks where he didn’t before, or gets hungry for his meals faster, but it hasn’t quite been the foodfest that I expected, thankfully.

Today I took him to get his hair cut again. I got them to cut it shorter this time since last time it was perfect but within a really short time it was starting to get too long and weigh itself down. It’s fine to be long when it’s curly, but it’s been straighter lately (because of the length and the lack of humidity in the air) and it just looks messy and it was getting in his eyes. Plus people kept complimenting me on my beautiful daughter. Which, yes he could very easily pass for a girl since he has an ambiguous face and he is beautiful, but still. I’m thinking/hoping it will still curl up after his bath but right now it’s straight because they used cold or room temperature water on it, but either way it looks cute. I tried ruffling it up by wetting it, but it didn’t do too much; I’m hoping that’s just because it’s harder to do it that way and doesn’t always work.

I am feeling disconnected lately. I read posts and statuses on the IF board I’m on and I want to be supportive and active there, but I don’t feel I quite belong anywhere right now. I’m not cycling, I’m not actively trying (that would require both ovulating and having sex, neither of which are happening and not by my choice), I feel like a jerk talking about wanting a second and especially because I don’t think we’ll pursue ART treatments when so many can’t even dream of having a baby without help and may never get there. And yet I also don’t feel like I belong on a regular board or even among my friends talking about second babies (which as I’ve mentioned, everyone is) because I just don’t feel like I can take it for granted or say much beyond, “yeah, I hope”. I’m reading a book (Becoming Sister Wives, written by that polygamist family who have the TV show that I’ve never watched – it’s quite an interesting read) and the first wife couldn’t get pregnant for the first five years of their marriage (how terrible would that be, especially when the second wife gets pregnant first and only six months after they got married?), then did and had the baby, then didn’t for another twelve years and lost that one and never did again. I just can’t help but worry that that will be me. And I’m not sure if I would rather know so I could move on from the dream, or not know so I don’t ever lose that hope. As it is, my kids will already be farther apart in age than I would have chosen if I could plan, which isn’t the worst thing, but it’s always hard to give up or change the dream you’ve always had. I’m afraid at this point that they’ll be years and years apart and won’t be close because of that.

I suppose at least I’m not the one whose husband left her out of the blue one morning when all along they’d been talking about having a second really soon. At least I still have the potential of having a second relatively close, and with the same man as my first.

On the other hand, I am enjoying my time with just FrostedBaby and sometimes I wonder if I really do want another and do I really want to do all the stuff we’ve gone through all over again? I think it’s one of those decisions you make with your heart and not your head. In my head, I’m not sure. In my heart, I know I want another and my family won’t be totally complete without a second. In my heart, I’m ready to be pregnant and do all that again. FrostedBaby has developed a sudden interest in new babies and he likes to go look at them and pet their heads. I think he’s trying to tell me something.

And now he’s up from his nap so I’m going to post this before I forget again.

15 months, 10 days