I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


FrostedBaby and I are both sick 😦   I think his started first, but I was hoping it was just a snotty nose and hoarse voice related to teething like he’s had before, but he now also has a cough. I woke up with a sore throat the night before last and it has progressed into a real cold now. It’s not horrible, just a regular cold, but it’s still not fun.
So night before last FrostedBaby did his now-typical wakeup thing where he wanted to play, so we were up for about an hour (I think he heard about the time change and decided to use that extra hour to play) then he started to act tired again, but wouldn’t go down. I took him to bed, he wanted to crawl all over me and I got annoyed and decided I needed a few minutes to myself so I took him into his room, put him in his crib, and walked out. He cried and I was watching the clock, figuring I’d leave him 10 minutes and then decide what to do. He stopped crying after 8 minutes. Of course, then I have all these horrible thoughts that he inhaled his pacifier or something so I was listening carefully at the monitor and he made a sound so I knew he was still alive. And then I got to sleep in my own bed all by myself for like four hours!

Last night he woke up at 1-something, refused to nurse (very strange!), was restless, didn’t want to snuggle, didn’t want to play, didn’t want to sit with me, didn’t want to do anything that I could figure out. So I put him down after trying a bunch of things (including changing his diaper, which did have poop in it) and walked out and went to sit in bed and he stopped after maybe two minutes. A couple of hours later, he woke up and I again tried to nurse him, but he wouldn’t and again was very weird and restless so I put him down and this time I don’t think I even had the door closed before he had stopped. A few minutes later, he cried again but I was in bed and decided to wait him out and he stopped after a couple minutes. Then I heard him coughing a few times in the night and the morning but he didn’t actually cry to get up until 9.

And he’s refused to nurse all morning now :/ This is very strange for him, usually no matter what he’s feeling he’ll always nurse well. He’s eating real food well and drinking, so I’m not too worried, but I’m not sure what to think. Is he picking up on my “I’m feeling done with nursing” vibes and has decided to start weaning himself? Is he too stuffed up to suck? Except he’s fine using his sippy cup. That’s good because at least he’s drinking and taking fluids, but I’m not sure whether to pump or not. I probably will to relieve the pressure that’s just starting to build up and to maintain my supply until I know whether this is temporary or not. I’m not sure what to hope for. On the one hand, I feel ready to give it all up…. but on the other hand, how the heck do I get him to relax and go to bed if he’s not nursing? I have put him down for naps without nursing so I know it’s possible but with his reluctance to snuggle sometimes, I don’t know. I guess we’ll see what happens at nap and/or bedtime, whether he’ll nurse or not. I’m a bit afraid if he doesn’t (because he’s stuffed up, not because he’s decided he doesn’t want to anymore) how bedtime will go. I’m also not sure what to do if he wakes up in the night and he’s hungry if he’s not nursing. Do I get up and give him a snack? Won’t that just wake both of us up? Or will he not bother to wake up and call for me if he’s not wanting to nurse?

Obviously it’s too soon to jump to conclusions, particularly since he is sick and probably teething as well, but it’s just so weird for him to ever refuse a chance to be on the boob.

I am hoping that the “I’ll put myself to sleep, thanks” thing is not just a fluke and will continue because it’s even easier than snuggling him back to sleep 😛  And potentially someone else can manage to leave him alone or stick his paci in until he goes back to sleep. You’d think that if he can do it while he’s sick, he could do it when he’s well, unless it was just that he was too tired to cry because of being sick. Doesn’t seem to stop him other times though.  I also put his bear in his arms when I put him down – he was refusing his paci and everything, but when I put him down he opened his mouth to scream so I popped it in, gave him his bear, and left.

I’m hoping I’m feeling better by tomorrow since that’s my pottery class. I’m not sure I want to go and make everyone sick, although we’re not really on top of each other and we all have our own clay. But the room is dusty and makes me feel coughy at the best of times and when I get home I feel similar to how I felt after being in a smoky room for a while – like my lungs were full of crap.

Husband is home this week, thankfully. FrostedBaby was napping when he got home yesterday and when he got up he was really happy to see him. He started talking and being very cute. It’s nice to know he feels that way, since before he could take or leave him, it didn’t matter. Sometimes it seemed like he didn’t quite remember who Husband was, like he knew he knew him but it wasn’t a big “Daddy!” reaction, it was more of a “ah, you are a familiar person, now where’s my mommy?” thing.

It’s later in the day and FrostedBaby went down for his nap without nursing. I tried to do it before then and he pushed me away, then at naptime he didn’t even acknowledge my boob. He was fussing and squirming and I got him to relax by singing and then he went to sleep easily. I can’t help but hope that maybe he is weaning, especially given my hate-hate relationship with nursing lately. I forget if I’ve written about that here. A quick glance back and I don’t see anything about it – anyway so when he was sick a few weeks ago (when I wrote about taking him to the walk-in) he was nursing like crazy and I was not thrilled because I was really enjoying only doing it a few times a day. Then he dropped the day feeds again but was wanting to nurse a lot when he was awake at night, but often not because he was hungry but just because it’s soothing and I really hate the way it feels when he just pacifies on me. His sucking is shallower and it’s so irritating.

This is now the end of the day and I’m heading to bed. He did not nurse all day, and I was afraid he wouldn’t nurse when I put him down for bed but he did (after looking like he was going to refuse, then he suddenly seemed to change his mind) and then I put him down while he was still awake (obviously tired but was playing around and fighting sleep). He looked like he was going to cry but I gave him his bear, turned around and walked out. And then I’ve heard nothing since. Fingers crossed for a good night!


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