I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

And so it begins…

The announcements for second kids have started in my moms’ group. And the talk of wanting seconds and planning to have seconds, etc.

And while I’m not 100% certain that I’m fully ready for #2 yet (though are you ever, really?), I can’t help but feel a twinge that all these people are going to have their seconds years before I have mine (if I ever do) and I will get stuck in the whole envious of other people who easily get what I want and can’t seem to get myself thing. I’m not really there yet and I can feel happy for them, but I still feel like I need to start protecting my heart again and wonder if I’ll ever be making that announcement.

I suppose I should be grateful that it’s even a remote possibility for me without needing to get our finances in order, but at the same time I wonder if in some ways it’s easier to take away that hope every month so you can focus on cycling but not hold out the hope for every single time. I guess there are always good and bad things to everything if you think hard enough.

We’ve had the discussion several times since FrostedBaby was born about whether we were open to a surprise pregnancy, even though the possibility was remote because of my lack of period. We discussed it when we resumed our Relations, we discussed it when he started sleeping longer through the night so the possibility of my period returning was higher, we discussed it again when my period arrived last month. This last time was the first time that we had a definite “yes! que sera sera!” attitude as opposed to, “I’m not really sure how I’d feel…. but why would we bother to protect? But I’m not sure I’m ready…” one.

Of course that would mean we’d have to have sex at the right time, which is not as likely as before to just happen every month. Not that doing it at the right time worked all that well ๐Ÿ˜‰

I was reflecting before that at this point, if someone were to come up and offer us a baby to have, I’d take it with no reservations. I wouldn’t be sad not to be pregnant again, I’d be kind of glad in some ways. While I look forward to hopefully doing it again (mostly so I can see similarities and differences), I don’t feel that it’s as much of the focus anymore. Before, I wanted to get pregnant, be pregnant, experience what it was like to grow, carry, and deliver a baby. Now, I’ve done that. Now, I want a second baby but I don’t need a second pregnancy. And I don’t need a second delivery especially! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’ll do them, and I am excited to feel the movements and all that great stuff, and I would love to have another biological child just because I’m a genetics geek and I love to see how that lottery plays out and if they’ll be like FrostedBaby (oh, I hope so!).ย There are even aspects of the labour and delivery that I’d like to do again so I can try different things and just to see how it differs from my first. But I would not have to go through the same mourning process I would have had to go through if we had adopted the first time.

And there are other days when I’m pretty sure I’m happy with one kid and don’t want to add more stress to our lives, but that’s usually when I’m having a rough go of it and passes. I think based on the fact that I am feeling like I did when we first started trying for FrostedBaby that I am ready for a second. I still have intellectual doubts as I did before, but my heart is pretty set on having another and hopefully in the not too distant future.


Comments on: "And so it begins…" (2)

  1. Exciting thoughts! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Wherever life takes you, we’ll be happy for you…

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