I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

12 months, 5 days

I’ve had a post sitting there for a few days but never got around to completing it. I wanted to write something special to commemorate FrostedBaby’s first year, but I never seem to have the time or energy or concentration to do it. I wanted to write him a note to somehow convey to him how amazing this past year has been, but I can’t seem to come up with the words to be able to express it. Though I never think I sound terribly profound or interesting, but when I come back and read what I’ve written a while later, it sounds a lot better than I thought it did. I wonder if all writers feel that way about their work.

I’ve decided that I’ll never write that letter unless I start it, so here goes:

Dear FrostedBaby,  (ooh, off to a good start!)

I cannot believe how fast this year went by. I look at the pictures of me when I was pregnant and I feel like it was a different me. I can remember looking like that and I can remember how I felt – uncomfortable but so thrilled to be so, nervous and excited with anticipation of your arrival and how my life would change. Little did I know that while it would change, it was more like I was finally able to live the life I’d been meant to live, and the years before it when I felt your absence so acutely were the ones that didn’t belong. I didn’t feel that there was much of a learning curve to getting used to you. You finally arrived and it was the way it was supposed to be instantly.

I was and still am so overwhelmed by how strongly I feel about you. I couldn’t say “I love you” for the first six or more weeks of your life because those words are just so inadequate for the depth of what I feel. I love you so much that if it were a physical thing, the universe would not be large enough to contain it. Nana says that you always feel this way about your kids no matter how old you are and that is a bit terrifying because how am I supposed to let you grow up and go away from me?

You have changed so much, it’s incredible. I look at the pictures of you when you were minutes old and I look at the pictures of you now and I can’t believe that just 366 days (it was a leap year) ago you were that tiny helpless thing. There has been nothing more amazing than watching you develop your skills and your personality and seeing you turn more and more into a person. I know there’s lots more of that to come and I am so excited to see what you will become.

Every stage along the way I’ve thought that you were perfect and that you could stop growing and be like that forever. And then you’d learn something new and I would decide that *now* you’re perfect and you can stop. I hope that continues to be the case because you are so much fun and it just gets better and better. I guess we’ll see if I’m still singing the same tune when the tantrums start!

I feel so lucky to have you. Sometimes I look at you and I can’t believe you’re here and you’re mine. You make all the years of waiting for you worth every second. Although if I had known you were going to be so amazing and wonderful, it would have been so much harder to wait all that time.

I am so proud of you – proud of how sweet you are and how sensitive you are and how cute you are. I love that I see parts of me in you and parts of Daddy in you. So far you seem to be a perfect blend of the two of us and I can’t wait to see how much more you are like us.

I know all parents think that they got the very best baby in the whole world, but in my case it’s true. This year has been the absolute best year of my life, starting with the very best day of my life. I think back on the day you were born frequently and how the moment they put you on my chest and you stopped crying the second our skin met and we looked at each other, all the pain and struggle that came before that moment were suddenly all worth it. I looked at you and thought, “There you are!” as if our souls recognized each other and I’d been specifically waiting for you without knowing it. You complete me in a way that no one else can and I am so grateful every day that you are here.

I love you.

Mommy

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Comments on: "12 months, 5 days" (1)

  1. Silverdollar said:

    Beautiful! Made me tear up reading this entry.

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