I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

two things

I have two things on my mind lately, unrelated to babies, or at least unrelated to mine. I’ve debated whether to write about them or not, then figured I’ll write this and see whether I post it or not.

One is shorter so I’ll start with that. There’s a blog I read and have read for years. A single mother who got pregnant unexpectedly and documenting her struggles and getting her life in order, etc. I started reading it before my IF and by the time I was having issues with it, it wasn’t triggering to me so I kept reading. She’s had a lot of mental health issues including depression and anxiety and issues with her weight and all this. Then she came out as a lesbian not too long ago, after a whole string of relationships, some good and some bad. Then she decided she wanted to be a mother again and was looking at donor sperm and I assume IUIs. Then she decided that it was too much work (or something) and that she didn’t actually want to have another kid. And then she ends up pregnant.

And this is where my issues start. So you’re a lesbian who’s apparently having unprotected sex with men and you want to get pregnant but don’t actually, but then it just happens anyway? I suppose at least she was planning on being a single mom to begin with, since although she hasn’t shared details of the encounter that led to the pregnancy, I gather it was not a steady thing. And she goes back and forth between really wanting it and not really being sure if she does, which is I think what bugs me the most. It just makes me so mad that people who barely have their lives together (she’s been floundering for years and I still get the feeling that she is although maybe not as much as before) can get pregnant so easily and yet those who desperately want a baby and are in committed loving relationships can’t.

I have stopped reading blogs in the past because of similar circumstances but I’m undecided about whether to continue this one or not. She doesn’t post all that often, which helps somewhat, but I don’t know. It’s not like she’ll care whether I do or not, since I rarely comment (I used to, but for some reason it doesn’t work properly anymore so I don’t bother), but I’m trying to get over this whole IF baggage stuff. I don’t know if that’s even possible, honestly. Maybe it will always be there.

So the other thing is that my brother and his gf of 6.5 years just got engaged. It wasn’t a surprise at all, really, but I’m unsure of how I feel about it. I don’t dislike her, but I find her really irritating, as I believe I’ve posted about here before. Ah yes, here it is. All of that is still true, but add to it that she talks constantly and never actually says anything. She either repeats what other people are saying for no reason, or just talks about nothing. She also talks in a high pitched voice to Frostedbaby, which is really irritating, especially when she’s incessantly talking when he’s eating and doesn’t take hints that perhaps she’s distracting him. Like, literally, I mention that he gets distracted by people standing around or talking or whatever and she goes, “Are you distracted? Do you get distracted easily? Eat your food! Yum yum! Don’t be distracted! There’s nothing to see here!” and on and on and on. JUST PLEASE SHUT UP.

I guess I’m surprised that he’s still with her. When we were growing up, he used to complain that my sister talked too much, and she actually had stuff to say. He hates dogs and she has a dog that she has done a terrible job with training even though she talks about how well trained he is and how wonderful she is at dog training. He used to hate being outdoors and now he goes camping and swimming and all kinds of things like that. I don’t know whether he’s changed so much to suit her that he’s lost himself (though not all of the changes are bad) or if he was just that way because he had no motivation to like those things. I don’t know. I always thought that he would end up with someone I liked a lot more than I like her. I thought he would end up with someone more similar to me and less similar to our sister and I’m surprised at how much more like our sister she is. (I have been told that while we are nothing alike, so unless people are lying to me, I don’t think it’s a case of disliking what you see of yourself in others).

They’ve been talking about kids a lot lately, especially after Frostedbaby was born. I cannot imagine her being a mom since it requires a lot more selflessness than I’ve ever seen from her. Not that I wish IF on anyone (except those who really can’t take care of their own kids, but of course they all can have babies nonstop), but I hope they don’t get pregnant right away. Or maybe if I was finished with my family by the time they do, I wouldn’t care. But if they do, I can feel the “why them and not me?” bitterness coming back like how I felt it before. And I hope they don’t have a girl, because I want a girl. Totally unfair and stupid and maybe selfish of me. I feel like…. not like it’s a competition, but not unlike that. Like, everyone was hoping for a girl when I was pregnant and if she has one first, she wins. That’s not really it, but that’s the closest I can come to it. And it’s not like anyone is sorry Frostedbaby is here, and I would gladly give up all hopes of a girl in favour of him. And maybe I just wouldn’t care if I had my second, even if it were a boy, because then I’d be done and it just wouldn’t matter anymore. I really hope I’m able to by then, both because it’ll at least be next year before they’re married and I would prefer to have my kids closer together than that would mean if I weren’t at least pregnant by their wedding.

At least if no one else is trying, then I’m not necessarily the failure. I mean, I am… but it’s different if everyone else’s success is not all in your face. I’m not sure if I’m making sense, but I’m pretty sure IFers know what I’m talking about here.

Sometimes I think I’m getting over all the baggage of IF and then it comes back and hits me over the head. And a lot of it doesn’t even make sense anymore. It doesn’t help that a lot of times when I’m with my family, if I make any sort of offhand comment about being tired or anything like that, they ask me if I’m pregnant. If I were, I would tell you, so please assume I am not. It just feels like more pressure and I’m desperately trying to avoid that from myself and others this time around and I feel like the more ready I feel to have a second, the harder that is to do. And there’s nothing I can do about it because we’re not pursuing ART so I can’t just call up my doctor to start cycling again, and I don’t have anything resembling a cycle so I can’t even just make sure we DTD at the right time. Not that that ever helped.



Comments on: "two things" (2)

  1. Flygirl said:

    Glad you decided to post this and get some of your thoughts off your chest.

    With regards to #1, I am right there with you…

    I never did (nor will I ever) understand why people who really don’t want nor have the capability to care for a child end up pregnant and those of us who would (and have) sacrificed everything can’t get or stay pregnant to save our lives.

    A few days before our donor was scheduled to have her egg retrieval, a “friend” confided in me that she accidentally got pregnant with a fling with whom she had no interest in continuing the relationship. She wanted to know where she could turn to put the baby up for adoption because she just couldn’t face seeing it (yes, she knew about our struggles and yes, we said we would move heaven and earth to adopt the baby…since I can only assume that’s why she chose to confide in me).

    Thankfully, these moved forward with our donor and fertilized all the eggs.

    Sadly, she sent me an email a few weeks later with a flippant comment at the end that in case she didn’t tell me already, she sucked the baby out of her uterus and washed it down the sink (my words, not hers)…and that was pretty much the last time we ever spoke.

    After m/c in November for the 4th time, I cried my eyes out. Not only for my own loss, but also for the loss of the baby that almost had a chance to live with a mommy and daddy who would have made it the center of our universe… and hugged it, and kissed it, and squeezed it till our arms fell off.

    Oh little one, as you look down upon us from heaven tonight, please know that you are still in our hearts and we love you…even though you were never given a chance at life.

    • Sorry the delay in replying – I set this aside and then forgot to come back. That’s awful of her to write that. I understand that it’s her choice, but to know you’re in that situation and then so casually tell you as if it’s no big deal, that’s pretty heartless. I wonder if she would have made things really difficult if the adoption had gone through. I really think fertiles have no idea how desperate you become, it’s not like anything I’ve ever wanted before and I didn’t fully realize how strongly I would feel until I was a few years into our struggle and wondering if we would never be successful. I’m so glad that things worked out for you in the end, I love reading your updates.

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