I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for July, 2012

two things

I have two things on my mind lately, unrelated to babies, or at least unrelated to mine. I’ve debated whether to write about them or not, then figured I’ll write this and see whether I post it or not.

One is shorter so I’ll start with that. There’s a blog I read and have read for years. A single mother who got pregnant unexpectedly and documenting her struggles and getting her life in order, etc. I started reading it before my IF and by the time I was having issues with it, it wasn’t triggering to me so I kept reading. She’s had a lot of mental health issues including depression and anxiety and issues with her weight and all this. Then she came out as a lesbian not too long ago, after a whole string of relationships, some good and some bad. Then she decided she wanted to be a mother again and was looking at donor sperm and I assume IUIs. Then she decided that it was too much work (or something) and that she didn’t actually want to have another kid. And then she ends up pregnant.

And this is where my issues start. So you’re a lesbian who’s apparently having unprotected sex with men and you want to get pregnant but don’t actually, but then it just happens anyway? I suppose at least she was planning on being a single mom to begin with, since although she hasn’t shared details of the encounter that led to the pregnancy, I gather it was not a steady thing. And she goes back and forth between really wanting it and not really being sure if she does, which is I think what bugs me the most. It just makes me so mad that people who barely have their lives together (she’s been floundering for years and I still get the feeling that she is although maybe not as much as before) can get pregnant so easily and yet those who desperately want a baby and are in committed loving relationships can’t.

I have stopped reading blogs in the past because of similar circumstances but I’m undecided about whether to continue this one or not. She doesn’t post all that often, which helps somewhat, but I don’t know. It’s not like she’ll care whether I do or not, since I rarely comment (I used to, but for some reason it doesn’t work properly anymore so I don’t bother), but I’m trying to get over this whole IF baggage stuff. I don’t know if that’s even possible, honestly. Maybe it will always be there.

So the other thing is that my brother and his gf of 6.5 years just got engaged. It wasn’t a surprise at all, really, but I’m unsure of how I feel about it. I don’t dislike her, but I find her really irritating, as I believe I’ve posted about here before. Ah yes, here it is. All of that is still true, but add to it that she talks constantly and never actually says anything. She either repeats what other people are saying for no reason, or just talks about nothing. She also talks in a high pitched voice to Frostedbaby, which is really irritating, especially when she’s incessantly talking when he’s eating and doesn’t take hints that perhaps she’s distracting him. Like, literally, I mention that he gets distracted by people standing around or talking or whatever and she goes, “Are you distracted? Do you get distracted easily? Eat your food! Yum yum! Don’t be distracted! There’s nothing to see here!” and on and on and on. JUST PLEASE SHUT UP.

I guess I’m surprised that he’s still with her. When we were growing up, he used to complain that my sister talked too much, and she actually had stuff to say. He hates dogs and she has a dog that she has done a terrible job with training even though she talks about how well trained he is and how wonderful she is at dog training. He used to hate being outdoors and now he goes camping and swimming and all kinds of things like that. I don’t know whether he’s changed so much to suit her that he’s lost himself (though not all of the changes are bad) or if he was just that way because he had no motivation to like those things. I don’t know. I always thought that he would end up with someone I liked a lot more than I like her. I thought he would end up with someone more similar to me and less similar to our sister and I’m surprised at how much more like our sister she is. (I have been told that while we are nothing alike, so unless people are lying to me, I don’t think it’s a case of disliking what you see of yourself in others).

They’ve been talking about kids a lot lately, especially after Frostedbaby was born. I cannot imagine her being a mom since it requires a lot more selflessness than I’ve ever seen from her. Not that I wish IF on anyone (except those who really can’t take care of their own kids, but of course they all can have babies nonstop), but I hope they don’t get pregnant right away. Or maybe if I was finished with my family by the time they do, I wouldn’t care. But if they do, I can feel the “why them and not me?” bitterness coming back like how I felt it before. And I hope they don’t have a girl, because I want a girl. Totally unfair and stupid and maybe selfish of me. I feel like…. not like it’s a competition, but not unlike that. Like, everyone was hoping for a girl when I was pregnant and if she has one first, she wins. That’s not really it, but that’s the closest I can come to it. And it’s not like anyone is sorry Frostedbaby is here, and I would gladly give up all hopes of a girl in favour of him. And maybe I just wouldn’t care if I had my second, even if it were a boy, because then I’d be done and it just wouldn’t matter anymore. I really hope I’m able to by then, both because it’ll at least be next year before they’re married and I would prefer to have my kids closer together than that would mean if I weren’t at least pregnant by their wedding.

At least if no one else is trying, then I’m not necessarily the failure. I mean, I am… but it’s different if everyone else’s success is not all in your face. I’m not sure if I’m making sense, but I’m pretty sure IFers know what I’m talking about here.

Sometimes I think I’m getting over all the baggage of IF and then it comes back and hits me over the head. And a lot of it doesn’t even make sense anymore. It doesn’t help that a lot of times when I’m with my family, if I make any sort of offhand comment about being tired or anything like that, they ask me if I’m pregnant. If I were, I would tell you, so please assume I am not. It just feels like more pressure and I’m desperately trying to avoid that from myself and others this time around and I feel like the more ready I feel to have a second, the harder that is to do. And there’s nothing I can do about it because we’re not pursuing ART so I can’t just call up my doctor to start cycling again, and I don’t have anything resembling a cycle so I can’t even just make sure we DTD at the right time. Not that that ever helped.

 

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11 months, 5 days

Last night was a terrible night of sleep. He went down easily and slept great until I was going to bed when he woke up and I went in and snuggled him and he went back to sleep, so I put him down and got back into bed. He started crying not too long later, so I went in and fed him and he was actually hungry (sometimes he’s hungry but not hungry enough to cause a fuss about it, so he’ll go back to sleep but wake up again after not too long), then he went back down but was crying again after a few minutes. I snuggled him back to sleep again and he stayed down until 2:30 when he woke up again. I fed him but he didn’t go back to sleep, which isn’t unusual, but I put him down and left, then he cried again an hour after that (it was about 4am now) and although he was sleepy and his eyes were rolling back in his head, he couldn’t seem to go to sleep. I put him down and let him crawl around a bit. Then he started crying and when I picked him up, I could smell that he had pooped. That would be the first time he’s pooped in the middle of the night, ever. Changed him and sat back down in the glider and he was asleep in a few minutes. I finally got to bed about 5 but couldn’t sleep for a little while and then got woken up about 7:30.

And the worst part was that I couldn’t get back to sleep easily because he was up long enough that my body reset itself, and just as I was falling asleep he’d wake up again, or the cat would meow outside my door, or my Restless Leg Syndrome was acting up, and we had a really loud thunderstorm. I think I got maybe a few hours altogether the whole night and not all in one chunk. I was pretty irritable this morning, and then when it was finally nap time, I couldn’t get my brain to shut off so I could sleep. Bleh. I hate that.

The afternoon was salvaged when we made it to the breastfeeding support group on time and there were only a few others there and we got to chat a bit and then a new mom came and it was helpful to her and that always feels good. And then one of the people looked me up on FB and they have a whole group of moms that I might try to join up with sometime, which would be nice. My moms group has been slowly dissolving as many of them go back to work and I haven’t fully connected with many in a way that makes it easy to make plans, not to mention that it’s just hard for me to make plans with his nap and meal schedule. I’m hoping that maybe another group I’ll connect well with and maybe feel more able to have playdates and stuff that’s easier for us to make it to.

FrostedBaby was being very cute and mobile at the group and he even went all the way across the room from me. Usually he sticks pretty close to me, but he’s been getting more and more adventurous at home and I guess he felt comfortable enough there to do the same thing. He often talks to the other people and likes to watch them too, which is nice to see him being outgoing since he is so often hanging back and evaluating the situation instead. Maybe it’s because we’ve been there so often so he’s used to it, or maybe it’s just a good environment for him. He hasn’t been mobile when it’s been crowded there, so it’ll be interesting to see if he’s more reserved if there are lots of people.

I took him to a park yesterday that has a lot of straight walkways where he could crawl on them. I didn’t want him to be in the sand yet because he’ll eat it, but he has only so much tolerance for activities that don’t let him crawl around so it was good. He was nervous at first and wanted to sit with me and observe, but after a while he stopped making his “I don’t know if I like this!” noise and started crawling around. He got really dirty, but who cares. My friend who we went with, her baby is crawling and likes to rush him and then tries to pull his hair or steal his hat or gouge his eyes out, and now when FrostedBaby sees him coming, he starts crying. This is unfortunate since we see a fair bit of them. Hopefully he’ll learn to be okay with it. We were out the other day and I was holding FrostedBaby and doing a peekaboo thing with him and the other baby, swinging him away and then towards him and told him he had a chance to take revenge and gouge the other baby’s eyes out. FrostedBaby, in true fashion, just wanted to hold his hand. Oh, my sweet little guy.

(Husband is a little miffed that FrostedBaby seems to have no reservations about trying to gouge *his* eyes out…)

11 months, 3 days

FrostedBaby’s sleep has been up and down a lot lately, especially since about 8 months. He started waking up more often in the early evenings and although he just needed to be snuggled back to sleep, it was a change from the odd awakening before. I figured it was partly separation anxiety and he just needed to be reassured that I was there. I’ve tried sending Husband in to soothe him and while he’ll stop screaming, he will not go to sleep and he screams when he tries to leave him. And then when I go in it takes me twice as long to get him down. At least I know if I go out and he wakes up, he won’t be hysterical the whole time like he was before. I don’t care if he stays up later on the odd night, I go out like one night a month at the absolute most and generally it’s much less than that and I don’t stay out very late anyway.

We had a couple of nights where his teeth were bugging him and he wouldn’t go back to sleep until we dosed him with some Ty.len.ol. But he wasn’t acting like his teeth were bugging him, he just couldn’t seem to go to sleep so I didn’t clue in until after an hour or so and I was desperate at that point because he seemed really tired, just wasn’t sleeping. So about a week and a half ago, FrostedBaby started taking forever to fall asleep, and then after not too long (half hour, hour, maybe two tops) he’d wake up and would not settle. He’d fuss and play and be acting sleepy but not being able to sleep. I couldn’t decide if it was gas or teeth or what. He’d get up and play for a few hours then I’d finally get him back to sleep with much struggling. And then half the time after an hour of rocking and he was finally asleep (like, slack mouthed paci falling out asleep) and I’d go to put him down and his eyes would pop open and he’d scream if I put him down. Totally not like my baby. He’d scream and get hysterical if I tried leaving him to CIO. (I know that if I just left him long enough he’d fall asleep, but in general my baby does not scream like that unless he needs me and with his separation anxiety I just don’t feel right leaving him like that unless I am absolutely at the end of my rope). The weird part is that at his early morning feedings and at naptimes he’d be like his old self and I could even put him down awake but dozy and he’d put himself to sleep. What gives, Mr. Baby? I put it down to teething or developmental stuff or something, but it really made not a lot of sense and I was exhausted from not having breaks from him and staying up late and getting up early and I swear fighting to get him to sleep all the time has to be one of the worst things parents deal with and I feel for all of you who have babies who have trouble sleeping.

After about a week of that, as I gave him his before bed dose of Ty.len.ol, I had a brainwave. His troubles sleeping started about a week before, and we had run out of the dye-free stuff that I’d been buying and I had sent Husband out to get another bottle and he picked up the red kind. I had specifically chosen the white kind because I’d heard that the red dye can make kids have trouble sleeping. Ohhhhhh….. It would totally explain why he has trouble at bedtime (when we dosed him since his teeth seem to hurt worse at night) and at the second bedtime, but was fine at his early morning feeds and at naptime, when I didn’t give him any. So after a horrible night of sleep that night which could have been avoided had I just clued in BEFORE I gave it to him, we stopped giving it to him. And he slept perfectly, just like his normal self. The next night he had trouble falling asleep, but I’ve noticed he’s been falling asleep later and this was earlier because he was rubbing his eyes so I thought he was tired enough and he went down with no problems when we tried later on. Last night we put him down later and it was back to normal and he only woke up once between 6pm and 6:45ish the next morning.

What a relief! It’s so nice to have our evenings back, not to be fighting with him to sleep, not dreading bedtime, etc. So my advice to anyone reading is to avoid the red Ty.l.enol. I know most babies aren’t affected by it and I didn’t expect mine to be since he’s had Tem.pra before and had no ill effects. I wonder if that means he’ll be bothered by dyes in foods when he’s eating such things.

10 months, 3 weeks, 4 days

I’ve gone through the archives and deleted all references to baby’s real name, he will now be known as FrostedBaby. I’m not sure why, but I just figure it’ll keep things a bit more anonymous, although anyone who knows me will pretty quickly figure out who I am. As if this blog will ever get big enough to worry about stalkers or anything, but I dunno, I just feel like I should so I’m going with that.

I think he may be saying his first word, one that he actually knows to assign to one particular thing. And that word is “cat”. He actually says it more like “daT”, with a very pronounced but not very hard T on the end, because he can’t say the hard C sound yet. But he was very consistently copying us when we would say cat, and he often looks at the cat and says it. And today I was videoing him crawling after the cat and then I asked him who it was and he very definitely replied, “cat” (or “daT”, more accurately). So he doesn’t use it totally properly, but he’s not randomly babbling it as much as his other words. He says it when he sees the cat, he says it when we say cat, and not very many other times.

He was babbling “nana” over and over today and a couple of times I asked him if I should phone Nana and he made an affirmative sound and then when I asked him what he would say to her, one time he said, “cat” and the other time he said, “hey Nana”. My kid’s a genius! Then at dinnertime he was babbling mamamamamamamama so I asked him, “Who’s the greatest person in the world?” and he said, “Nana”. Thanks, kid 😉  Though I might agree with that. My mom’s pretty awesome.

He has his army crawl down now, I guess that’s a development since the last time I posted. He was rolling pretty good and then started inching forward in a really awkward way where he’d streeeeetch and then he’d roll halfway onto his side and then push with his feet. Since then he’s figured out how to pull with his arms and now he has all four limbs going and he’s getting really fast. I took some video a week ago and some today and you can see a big difference when you compare them. He’s also pushing up almost onto his knees. Today he was up so high that if he would just bend his legs a bit, he’d be up on them. So that’s probably coming soon too. He’s traveling all over the place, though he’s yet to realize he can follow people or do anything other than go between his toys. He’s not really exploring just for the sake of exploring yet or chasing after us or coming when he’s called. He does go after the cat, but only sometimes and he doesn’t chase him for long before something else catches his eye.

We did clean out our basement a couple of weeks ago and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was afraid of. It was mainly getting rid of a lot of empty boxes that were put down there that should have just been gotten rid of in the first place. Husband is really bad for keeping stuff like that for some reason. We have a bunch of stuff that I think I’m doing to donate somewhere since I’m not sure I have the motivation to try to sell it and have to deal with pickup times and no shows and whatever. It looks great down there, much more organized and there’s even clear floor space instead of everything spread out all over the place. I arranged for the removal service to come for next week (they were booked until then) so that’ll be great to get our garage back. Still unsure about moving the playroom down there but at least it’ll be an option should I want to give it a try.

To update from my last post, I spotted for 3.5 weeks at varying speeds but it never developed into anything major and then suddenly stopped. I’m not sure whether to expect my next cycle to start in the next couple of weeks, or whether it might be a while. I would kind of like to have something regular happen so I can predict and know how long it’ll last, I hate this not knowing when it’ll start and when it’ll stop and what to expect. Though probably when it does come back I’ll be wishing it was light again 😉

Let’s see if this posts properly, I’m entering it into the new version of the one that was giving me problems. I’ll copy it just in case I lose it instead of posting properly.

end of an era

Well, it appears that my period has finally arrived.

TMI alert! I’ve been spotting for the past two weeks so its actual arrival is a bit of a relief since hopefully that means it’ll do its thing and then go away. I really hate endless spotting since it’s neither here not there and it comes and goes and could go on for a while. I once spotted for a whole month in between periods.

Anyway, I was spotting in May as well but that was only a week or so and then I started spotting again twoish weeks ago. It’s gotten heavier and lighter seemingly randomly, but it seems to be getting steadily heavier now although nothing resembling a steady flow. I’m a bit afraid since other moms I’ve talked to have said their first period was really heavy and awful, like soaking pads in an hour type thing. But they’ve also complained about bad cramps and so far I haven’t had anything major, although I’ve had some mild cramps on and off a bit.

I’m not happy it’s back, but I’m not as negative about it as I’d expected. It was kind of like anticipating the postpatrum bleeding and then it was just something to deal with, nothing more. As I’ve said before, I’ve had such a negative relationship with bleeding over the past many years since it always meant I wasn’t pregnant (or wasn’t pregnant anymore) that I found it hard to remember what it was like before when it just was just something annoying. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel after all that, but it seems like that’s all it is now. That’s a relief.

I’ve thought so much about a second baby that I was afraid I’d go straight into TTC mode again with the hoping and praying I was pregnant and my period wouldn’t be coming and all that without any normal time in between. Maybe I’ll never feel that way again, who knows, but it certainly is nice not to feel all my hope and dreams fading away as my period arrives.

We had a great long weekend that I’ll hopefully get a chance to write about soon. Right now he’s taking a nap and I’m getting our stuff ready to go to a friend’s house this afternoon.