I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

9 months, 3 weeks

Nothing terribly new or exciting to report. He’s still improving his mobility skills and can go in every direction except forward by rolling and turning himself around. He gets frustrated when he accidentally hits his toy ahead of himself instead of to the side, but he just can’t seem to figure it out so far.

That’s okay because I have to put up the baby gates on the stairs still. I started doing it last week and then never actually got them up. I went and got those things you strap to your banisters to avoid having to drill into them, and that’s about it. We need to use a power drill, which means that I can’t do it when he’s sleeping since the top of the stairs are right outside his room, but that means he needs to be awake and we’ve been busy and he’s iffy about whether he’ll be happy if left on his own. Sometimes he’s content for a long time and other times he gets fussy, and I need time and concentration to get it right. Anyway, I decided to get it done today, and then I realized that the things you strap on are too thin and the screws are too long, so I’d be having to drill into the banister anyway. So I am undecided about what to do – reverse how I was going to hang the gate since I have to put holes in the wall anyway (and make sure there’s a stud where I put it) and use shorter screws on that side, or get another piece of wood on top of the one that’s there and do it that way. I’m unsure if that would be safe enough, and given that this is preventing him from falling down the stairs I really want to make sure this one is totally secure.

Today he’s been yelling “MAMA!” at the top of his lungs over and over again. I don’t think he knows what he’s saying yet, but it’s exciting that he’s finally latched onto it for his word of the day. He’s been able to say it for months and months but has refused in favour of every other sound 😛

Yesterday we went to the birthday party of one of the kids in the moms group. It was a really nice day for it – hot but sunny and she lives by the lake so there was a decent breeze. As usual he was unsure of himself when we got there and was reluctant to be away from me but then he warmed up. Eventually he even went in the kiddie pool, which was great because although he loves swimming in big pools, I’ve had no success with getting him into the kid pools. Now granted I’ve only tried a couple of times, but still. I wasn’t sure if he was objecting to the water temperature, but I think that maybe I was rushing him too much and not giving him enough time to warm up to the environment before putting him in. In any case, he enjoyed himself until another baby got in and started yelling happily and that made him upset. He doesn’t like loud or surprising noises still. The last thing that made him cry like that was my mom sneezing 😛

A lot of the moms are going back to work right now and it’s kind of sad. It will definitely change the dynamics of the get togethers, but there are a few who aren’t returning and hopefully we’ll still see them regularly. I am so grateful not to have to go back. I know that I would get used to it, but one of them went back today and she posted on FB about crying when she left and she got to work early so that she could stop crying before she had to start, and then her manager asked how her daughter was and that set her off again and reading that made me shed a few tears because I can just imagine how I’d feel. I’m so thankful to be able to stay home, but in some ways I wonder if I’m just putting off the inevitable and if it won’t actually be any easier when I do have to go back. It probably won’t be, but hopefully since he’ll be older I’ll feel a little bit differently about it. Hopefully by then I’ll want to go back, because that makes a big difference too.

On Saturday morning I got up with FrostedBaby around 1am or so and my back was hurting and was causing me to have some pain in my belly area and I had it on and off for the rest of the night, causing me not to sleep terribly well. I had it almost the whole day and I felt dizzy and weird and was hungry but had no interest in food and I laid down almost all day. Thankfully husband was around to take over. I went to bed early and slept really well and felt okay the next day, with just a few weird-feeling episodes but they were minor compared to the day before. I woke up feeling slightly nauseated so I decided to take a pregnancy test because it was on my mind the day before that this was how I felt at about 6 weeks and then with the nausea when I woke up I started to really wonder. As is probably obvious since this isn’t my lead (or only) topic of this post, it was a very definite negative. I’m not sure whether I felt happy or disappointed with that news, or maybe a bit of both? I would have been a lot more surprised if it had been positive and I’d probably still not know how I felt, it would just feel a lot stronger in both directions. I just feel…. kind of nothing about it. I guess that’s a good way to be, given my past relationship with negative tests.

Speaking of which, I still haven’t gotten my period yet. If the previous spotting was the return of my cycles, I should be due for it again anytime now, and I have no evidence that it’s coming, though I think I saw evidence of ovulation a few weeks back. Not in a hurry for it to return, but kind of wish I knew what was up since I don’t want to be surprised by it. I carry pads around with me all the time, but I’d like to not ruin my clothes by accident 😉

Sometimes I wonder if the lack of return is partly due to whatever caused our IF to begin with. Like maybe it’s weird hormones or something. Though it seems that even those with “worse” IF than ours get theirs back with no problems. I was wondering the other day if I would happily give up on the idea of another kid if it meant that I’d never get my cycles back. Hmmm. It’s a tempting thought in some ways. Can you imagine never having to worry about it again? Hopefully without the menopause stuff.

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