I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

I’ve noticed that I feel the most like a mom when I’m wiping down his high chair after he’s eaten. I wonder why that is. It’s not that I don’t feel like a mom the rest of the time, it’s just that that seems like a really mom-like thing to do. Or something. It’s hard to explain. I guess in some ways I just feel like I haven’t changed all that much in becoming a mother, it’s just like this is how it always was supposed to be… and then when I wipe down the high chair it’s like I suddenly match outwardly what a mom should be like? I don’t even know if that really rings true to myself or if that’s what I want to say.

A friend of mine from school just announced that she’s pregnant. I was talking to her sometime last year when I was pregnant and she was saying that she and her husband were probably going to start trying in the new year. Her husband had some sort of cancer and they weren’t sure if he might be sterile or not so weren’t sure how easy it would be for them. I don’t know the details, so I’m assuming that since it’s only six months since the beginning of the year and we had that conversation only a year ago (I just looked it up, it was almost exactly a year ago – June 1st) that it was fairly easy. And it surprised me that I felt that old twinge of unfairness, though I do think it’s less for myself and more for other mutual friends who have been trying for 3+ years now. How can someone who went through cancer treatments have an easy time getting pregnant and so many of us who have no issues that can be found not? I’m thrilled for her, because I know she loves kids and has always wanted them and it sucks to wonder if you’ll ever be able to, but still. It just is so unfair to so many people. Maybe I felt that because while we were struggling husband and I watched something on TV where a guy had cancer treatments and they weren’t sure if he’d be able to have kids and then they got pregnant on the first try and I remember feeling outraged that he could do it and we couldn’t. I guess that for all I feel fairly “normal” and like a lot of that is behind me, it’s still there underneath everything.

A lot of the babies in the moms group I belong to are starting to have their first birthday parties. Some of them are going all out and doing really big fancy things. I know some, not just from the group, who have invited so many people they had to rent a hall. That seems a bit extreme to me, for a kid who’s not even going to remember it.

The one today I wasn’t invited to, which is fine by me. I was hoping that we wouldn’t end up inviting the whole group to each party, setting up expectations and possibly having to get presents for everyone. The one we are invited to specifically said no presents, so I’m glad of that. The one today, the baby is so spoiled already, I think she got more toys and stuff for her birthday than FrostedBaby has total. I just don’t get the point in going all out and getting a trillion toys all at once and overstimulating the kids so much with all the people and commotion and all. And who is the party really for? Certainly not the kid who has no idea what’s going on. Maybe I’m just sensitive and I know FrostedBaby is too and doesn’t like big groups of people, maybe some other babies really like that kind of thing.

All I’m planning is having a quiet family thing and maybe celebrating with some friends but I’m not throwing a big huge event for all my friends to come and shower us with presents and to make a huge deal out of it. Yes, it’s important… but I’ve never gone for huge splashy displays to prove anything. I much prefer to get a few toys here and there throughout the year that he can play with and as he outgrows them get him a few new things. And I don’t need to plan a huge bash to show everyone how much I love him. Spend some time with us and you’ll know.

I think FrostedBaby is on the verge of getting up on his hands and knees. Every day he pushes just a little bit more and raises up a bit higher. Today he got his whole body off the floor, now he just needs to go back enough to go on his knees. I’ve been trying to encourage him by supporting him on his knees. Not too long ago when I did that he would protest it, but now I do it and he laughs and laughs. And then I left go and he collapses again. If I try to encourage him to come to me, he laughs and wiggles (similar to the rocking motion he’d do if he were on his hands and knees, that sort of “I know it’s something like this…” thing) but obviously doesn’t go anywhere. He is getting more adept at rolling over and over to get places and also turning himself around with his hands and doing some pulling himself along although not much yet.

He’s been cranky because of his teeth. His upper molars are still coming in, his bottom ones are starting, and I think I might see hints of his canines all coming in, but it could be swollen gums from the molars so I’m not sure on those yet. The last two days he’s seemed to be better, which has been a relief for me and probably for him as well. Poor kid. I just wish they would all come in already.

We are supposed to go to the Zoo with a friend tomorrow but the weather forecast is looking cool and overcast, with a chance of showers (60% POP) so I’m not sure if it’ll happen or not. It’s a friend from school and I haven’t seen her in a few years so I’m looking forward to it. I hope we can make other plans if we don’t end up going to the Zoo, I’d like to get out and see different people. Plus she has a… I forget how old her daughter is. I think she’s 4ish months? Good thing she’s not a newborn. I love the age FrostedBaby is now, but new babies make me all gooshy and wanting another one.

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