I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for June, 2012

10 months, 4 and 5 days

I swear everything this kid does is painfully cute.

Today we were playing in his room. I was driving his wheelie Zebra around and he always laughs when I drive it on him, but today he was screaming with laughter. He’d roll onto his tummy and I’d drive it up to him (and then quickly away, which made him laugh), and then I’d drive it over his side and his back which made him laugh really hard, then he’d roll onto his side and back and take it from me, but then he’d hand it back and roll onto his tummy so we could do it again. I really love when he’s clearly indicating that he wants to do things again, it’s awesome that he is interactive in that way, but it’s also nice to know he’s enjoying it.

He thinks it’s hilarious if I hold things in my teeth for some reason. I don’t really get it, but I love that he laughs. He often holds things up for me to bite, then laughs, takes it away, then gives it back. His favourite seems to be cloths (which we always have around since he’s a messy eater plus I leak a lot when I’m feeding so I need to strategically wrap cloths around my bra when I’m feeding him) but he also does it with pacifiers and other things he’s playing with.

He knows how to shake his head no and nod his head yes. He started doing No a while ago, and then he picked up on Yes because I would often say, “No? How about yes?” and nod at him when he was shaking his head. Now, he starts off with one and then goes to the other, which is hilarious. You can say, “Are you going to go take a nap?” and he’ll nod his head, then switch to No, or vice versa. He also often does the opposite of what you’re doing, and then when you switch he switches too. And he’s often grinning his head off when he’s doing it.

He mixes up his sounds now, instead of being stuck on one sound all day (like only “dada” or “baba”), he’s now going back and forth between them all a lot. My favourite is that he’s now saying “mama” a lot, after refusing to say it for the longest time even though he was perfectly capable of it.

He has several stuffed animals that he plays with that for some reason all have Double-B names – Buddy Bear, Blue Bear, Belly Bear, etc. Well, it started with Buddy Bear (that’s the name on his tummy), and Blue Bear (one of those Gund First Teddy Bear ones), then he just recently got a bear with a big belly so now that’s Belly Bear. He has a Velveteen Rabbit that came with a board book, but I decided that it needed to be Something-That-Starts-With-B Bunny, so I told him that we needed to come up with a B name for it and asked him if he could think of any. And he starts going “Baba baba”, so now we also have Baba Bunny 😛 (to buck the trend, among others we also have Smother Bear who is holding a pillow the way you would if you were going to smother someone)

I need to book an appointment to get his hair cut. It’s getting long and when we were swimming and I poured water over his head so it was all flat and straight down his head, it was halfway down his nose. I talked to my hair guy when I was in last a couple of weeks ago and he said they would just trim up the ends, and it will actually make it healthier and might even make it curlier because it won’t be weighing itself down, but I’m afraid. I used to have wavy, almost curly hair as a kid and my mom cut it and it went straight and stayed that way. He’s so adorable with his curls that I would be really upset. I do suspect that it’s Daddy’s hair that he has, which stayed curly his whole life, although it went a different type of curly as he got older (the type that gets big rather than long, not the gorgeous adorable angel curls that he used to have and that FrostedBaby has now) and before he went partly bald and started shaving his head.

We are starting to think about his first birthday and what we’re going to do to celebrate. We’re not doing anything big, just have the family over and do a small celebration. We decided that we want to ask for a swingset for him from everyone and we were doing some research and hadn’t quite decided which one to choose yet. We were leaning towards a larger one since the smaller ones only last a year or two, and at the prices they are, we were thinking it wouldn’t make sense to spend as much as it would be just to replace it in not too long. I belong to a couple of area yard sale groups on FB where people are always selling stuff cheap, and someone posted one of the younger-aged sets that I liked (a lot of them are just climbers, but I want one with a swing since he loves swinging and he doesn’t climb yet so it wouldn’t make sense yet) for a really good price and it’s right around the corner from us. So we’re going to pick that up tomorrow, unless we get there and it’s not as in good condition as it looks in the picture or something. And I think we’re also going to ask for one of those 3-in-1 trikes that go from the push to pedal and grow with them, I think he would enjoy being on that now. Sometimes those are sold in the yard sale groups too, but they get snapped up really fast. I kind of want to get him that soon too rather than waiting because then we can play with it for the summer.

Once again I didn’t post and now it’s the next day. I went to check out the swingset today and I think it’s too small. The climbing part is fine but the swing is really short and doesn’t swing terribly well plus it’s low so pushing him would be a pain. I think we’ve decided to go with the bigger one we had our eye on that has a nice swing part and an only slightly bigger climbing part. I think he’ll get more use out of it and it’s not like he’s going to be climbing it unattended until he’s really steady anyway. With the small one and his slowness on getting mobile, we were afraid he’d outgrow the swing before he’d even get to the climbing.

I went to TRU to do a comparison on the swingsets to fully make the decision and I also checked out those Smart Trike things that convert three times to suit different ages. I was thinking we might want to get one of those for his birthday too (only not wait so we can enjoy it this summer!) and I put him in it and drove him around the store. He was really cute and seemed to enjoy it.

Going to post this now before I forget again.

10 months (!!!!!) (and now one day because I didn’t post this yesterday)

Still not crawling or up on his knees, although he’s getting really close. He loves when I put him up on his knees and then he can rock back and forth. He’s able to maintain it for longer and longer before he collapses so maybe there’s more muscle and coordination that he’s not ready for than I thought before. He will be so happy when he’s able to move around. In the meantime, he’s getting really good at turning and rolling for things he wants.

Unfortunately, he’s also really good at spotting teeny tiny things on the floor, picking them up, and stuffing them in his mouth. Very quickly. And yet when I give him food, he examines it carefully and slowly gets it to his mouth. Little bugger. He often touches things, then brings his hand to his mouth and then makes chewing motions, and if I’m not watching carefully I’m not sure if he’s really eating something or not so I have to keep checking. He is less and less cooperative with opening his mouth so I can check and/or fish things out. The good part is that when he’s choking, his mouth is wide open so I can get in there but I’d rather prevent and avoid the choking in the first place.

I’m rethinking the location of the playroom. Right now it’s in our front room, but that’s a small area and is shared by the dining room furniture. It gets traffic all the time, and the cat likes to leave things there, such as twist ties and various other “toys” he plays with. This means that I have to look carefully every time we go there to play and I have to be hyper vigilant because often the cat will bring stuff in while FrostedBaby’s playing there and naturally that goes into his mouth. Cat has chewed up some of the foam mat pieces that are loose and FrostedBaby has tried to eat them. Our basement is unfinished but is wide open (with some rearrangement of the junk down there) and would be a controlled environment. Not that coziest, but it would be comfortable on hot days and it’s not that cold in the winter even. It’s a large space, which will be even more important as he gets more mobile and needs more space. I can put down carpet and the foam tiles on the floor to make it more comfortable and we would definitely be able to fit the couch that I want there. The downsides would be that it’s not quite as convenient to get there, but it’s not that big a deal. And it would be a bit harder to block off since we’d still need some areas for storage and I don’t necessarily want him to have total free run yet. But it would also mean I could more easily have people over because the space is bigger. A friend of mine has her basement set up and it works really well.

Another plus would be actually getting things cleaned up down there (lots of things moved with us that should not have). Big downside would be actually having to do it… but we got a DealFind thing (or one of those deal sites) for like 350 pounds of junk removal for a low price that we have yet to use and I was going to use it to clear out stuff down there anyway. Maybe this would be motivation.

Anyway, because of the problems with the playroom out front here, I’ve been spending a lot of our freeplay time in his room because there’s less traffic and therefore I feel safer having him there, but that means that the play area in the front room is going to waste. But I feel paranoid when I’m there and that it’s not particularly safe since almost every time he’s there he gets his hands on something that shouldn’t even be there and some of it wasn’t there when I did my safety scan when we first get there. Worst thing in his room is some fuzz on the carpet.

It’s now the next day and I didn’t get a chance to finish this.

Yesterday was strange in that FrostedBaby refused to nap at his usual time and then we had a date with a friend so I couldn’t put him down later. He was actually really good and not as whiney and acting as overtired as I had expected. He did fall asleep in the car on the way home (VERY unusual for him) and then he was fighting going to sleep despite being exhasuted. I finally got him to sleep and he slept fine until 1:30am when he woke up (he’s generally up sometime between 1 and 3 am) and I fed him and put him to bed as usual but then he was whining and crying so I had to go back in. He was chomping on his fingers and whining so I gave him some Tylenol and that seemed to help since when I put him back down again he was quiet after that.

This morning he went down for his nap with his usual ease, so no idea what was up with him yesterday.

So, things that FrostedBaby is doing these days:

– Feeding himself! He started complaining when I would put his pieces of banana into his mouth, but was happy when I would give them to him to give himself. So since he’s supposed to be moving onto finger foods anyway, I try to give him something that he can feed himself at every meal. His tolerance for textures is still iffy but is improving so right now that’s a limited number of things, but he’s doing pieces of soft apple right now and has improved over the last couple of days so his gagging/choking (and therefore my heart attacks) is at a minimum. I’m going to be moving onto cooking vegetables to be soft and then chunked so he can feed them to himself. It’s nice to be able to give him stuff on his tray and then eat along with him rather than be all focused on him and then on me and then lunch takes twice as long.

– He likes having his nose pinched. He’ll actually stop wiggling and lean forward so you can pinch it and then laughs when you go “beep, beep” or his favourite is “aooooga”, especially if either are said in a deep voice.

– We took him swimming on Sunday and he spent the entire hour-and-a-bit we were in the pool waving his arms and kicking his legs and splashing. I don’t think he stopped moving the entire time we were in the pool. And when we got home, Daddy fell asleep and FrostedBaby played and rolled on the floor. I am in SO MUCH TROUBLE when he’s up and mobile on his own if he has that much energy. Most people talk about taking their babies swimming and how well they nap afterwards.

– I’ve come to the conclusion that FrostedBaby is very sensitive. He comes by it honestly, I’m extremely so and Husband was/is a fairly sensitive guy and I think he was probably one of those sweet, sensitive little boys. (could I say sensitive any more?). He cries over loud noises, if he gets hurt even the slightest bit, he reacts to other people’s feelings (in particular mine, it was a problem from the beginning when we were first breastfeeding because when I winced, he would unlatch himself immediately), etc. He’s snuggly and although he’s not terribly gentle, he’s way gentler than a friend’s baby who can get downright violent. He’s shy in new situations (something I’ve talked about before) and doesn’t like when things are too much in his face, especially when he’s not in his comfort zone. I have no problems with him being that way, but I wonder if he’ll get picked on when he’s older. That is also probably something that’s likely anyway, given his genetics. Husband and I weren’t the most picked on people, but we were never popular and had our share of bullies, it just seems worse when it’s my little guy who’s going to be hurt by it. Though I guess I’d rather him be the sweet, sensitive guy than the bully.

9 months, 3 weeks

Nothing terribly new or exciting to report. He’s still improving his mobility skills and can go in every direction except forward by rolling and turning himself around. He gets frustrated when he accidentally hits his toy ahead of himself instead of to the side, but he just can’t seem to figure it out so far.

That’s okay because I have to put up the baby gates on the stairs still. I started doing it last week and then never actually got them up. I went and got those things you strap to your banisters to avoid having to drill into them, and that’s about it. We need to use a power drill, which means that I can’t do it when he’s sleeping since the top of the stairs are right outside his room, but that means he needs to be awake and we’ve been busy and he’s iffy about whether he’ll be happy if left on his own. Sometimes he’s content for a long time and other times he gets fussy, and I need time and concentration to get it right. Anyway, I decided to get it done today, and then I realized that the things you strap on are too thin and the screws are too long, so I’d be having to drill into the banister anyway. So I am undecided about what to do – reverse how I was going to hang the gate since I have to put holes in the wall anyway (and make sure there’s a stud where I put it) and use shorter screws on that side, or get another piece of wood on top of the one that’s there and do it that way. I’m unsure if that would be safe enough, and given that this is preventing him from falling down the stairs I really want to make sure this one is totally secure.

Today he’s been yelling “MAMA!” at the top of his lungs over and over again. I don’t think he knows what he’s saying yet, but it’s exciting that he’s finally latched onto it for his word of the day. He’s been able to say it for months and months but has refused in favour of every other sound 😛

Yesterday we went to the birthday party of one of the kids in the moms group. It was a really nice day for it – hot but sunny and she lives by the lake so there was a decent breeze. As usual he was unsure of himself when we got there and was reluctant to be away from me but then he warmed up. Eventually he even went in the kiddie pool, which was great because although he loves swimming in big pools, I’ve had no success with getting him into the kid pools. Now granted I’ve only tried a couple of times, but still. I wasn’t sure if he was objecting to the water temperature, but I think that maybe I was rushing him too much and not giving him enough time to warm up to the environment before putting him in. In any case, he enjoyed himself until another baby got in and started yelling happily and that made him upset. He doesn’t like loud or surprising noises still. The last thing that made him cry like that was my mom sneezing 😛

A lot of the moms are going back to work right now and it’s kind of sad. It will definitely change the dynamics of the get togethers, but there are a few who aren’t returning and hopefully we’ll still see them regularly. I am so grateful not to have to go back. I know that I would get used to it, but one of them went back today and she posted on FB about crying when she left and she got to work early so that she could stop crying before she had to start, and then her manager asked how her daughter was and that set her off again and reading that made me shed a few tears because I can just imagine how I’d feel. I’m so thankful to be able to stay home, but in some ways I wonder if I’m just putting off the inevitable and if it won’t actually be any easier when I do have to go back. It probably won’t be, but hopefully since he’ll be older I’ll feel a little bit differently about it. Hopefully by then I’ll want to go back, because that makes a big difference too.

On Saturday morning I got up with FrostedBaby around 1am or so and my back was hurting and was causing me to have some pain in my belly area and I had it on and off for the rest of the night, causing me not to sleep terribly well. I had it almost the whole day and I felt dizzy and weird and was hungry but had no interest in food and I laid down almost all day. Thankfully husband was around to take over. I went to bed early and slept really well and felt okay the next day, with just a few weird-feeling episodes but they were minor compared to the day before. I woke up feeling slightly nauseated so I decided to take a pregnancy test because it was on my mind the day before that this was how I felt at about 6 weeks and then with the nausea when I woke up I started to really wonder. As is probably obvious since this isn’t my lead (or only) topic of this post, it was a very definite negative. I’m not sure whether I felt happy or disappointed with that news, or maybe a bit of both? I would have been a lot more surprised if it had been positive and I’d probably still not know how I felt, it would just feel a lot stronger in both directions. I just feel…. kind of nothing about it. I guess that’s a good way to be, given my past relationship with negative tests.

Speaking of which, I still haven’t gotten my period yet. If the previous spotting was the return of my cycles, I should be due for it again anytime now, and I have no evidence that it’s coming, though I think I saw evidence of ovulation a few weeks back. Not in a hurry for it to return, but kind of wish I knew what was up since I don’t want to be surprised by it. I carry pads around with me all the time, but I’d like to not ruin my clothes by accident 😉

Sometimes I wonder if the lack of return is partly due to whatever caused our IF to begin with. Like maybe it’s weird hormones or something. Though it seems that even those with “worse” IF than ours get theirs back with no problems. I was wondering the other day if I would happily give up on the idea of another kid if it meant that I’d never get my cycles back. Hmmm. It’s a tempting thought in some ways. Can you imagine never having to worry about it again? Hopefully without the menopause stuff.

9 months, 1 week, 6 days

I’ve noticed that I feel the most like a mom when I’m wiping down his high chair after he’s eaten. I wonder why that is. It’s not that I don’t feel like a mom the rest of the time, it’s just that that seems like a really mom-like thing to do. Or something. It’s hard to explain. I guess in some ways I just feel like I haven’t changed all that much in becoming a mother, it’s just like this is how it always was supposed to be… and then when I wipe down the high chair it’s like I suddenly match outwardly what a mom should be like? I don’t even know if that really rings true to myself or if that’s what I want to say.

A friend of mine from school just announced that she’s pregnant. I was talking to her sometime last year when I was pregnant and she was saying that she and her husband were probably going to start trying in the new year. Her husband had some sort of cancer and they weren’t sure if he might be sterile or not so weren’t sure how easy it would be for them. I don’t know the details, so I’m assuming that since it’s only six months since the beginning of the year and we had that conversation only a year ago (I just looked it up, it was almost exactly a year ago – June 1st) that it was fairly easy. And it surprised me that I felt that old twinge of unfairness, though I do think it’s less for myself and more for other mutual friends who have been trying for 3+ years now. How can someone who went through cancer treatments have an easy time getting pregnant and so many of us who have no issues that can be found not? I’m thrilled for her, because I know she loves kids and has always wanted them and it sucks to wonder if you’ll ever be able to, but still. It just is so unfair to so many people. Maybe I felt that because while we were struggling husband and I watched something on TV where a guy had cancer treatments and they weren’t sure if he’d be able to have kids and then they got pregnant on the first try and I remember feeling outraged that he could do it and we couldn’t. I guess that for all I feel fairly “normal” and like a lot of that is behind me, it’s still there underneath everything.

A lot of the babies in the moms group I belong to are starting to have their first birthday parties. Some of them are going all out and doing really big fancy things. I know some, not just from the group, who have invited so many people they had to rent a hall. That seems a bit extreme to me, for a kid who’s not even going to remember it.

The one today I wasn’t invited to, which is fine by me. I was hoping that we wouldn’t end up inviting the whole group to each party, setting up expectations and possibly having to get presents for everyone. The one we are invited to specifically said no presents, so I’m glad of that. The one today, the baby is so spoiled already, I think she got more toys and stuff for her birthday than FrostedBaby has total. I just don’t get the point in going all out and getting a trillion toys all at once and overstimulating the kids so much with all the people and commotion and all. And who is the party really for? Certainly not the kid who has no idea what’s going on. Maybe I’m just sensitive and I know FrostedBaby is too and doesn’t like big groups of people, maybe some other babies really like that kind of thing.

All I’m planning is having a quiet family thing and maybe celebrating with some friends but I’m not throwing a big huge event for all my friends to come and shower us with presents and to make a huge deal out of it. Yes, it’s important… but I’ve never gone for huge splashy displays to prove anything. I much prefer to get a few toys here and there throughout the year that he can play with and as he outgrows them get him a few new things. And I don’t need to plan a huge bash to show everyone how much I love him. Spend some time with us and you’ll know.

I think FrostedBaby is on the verge of getting up on his hands and knees. Every day he pushes just a little bit more and raises up a bit higher. Today he got his whole body off the floor, now he just needs to go back enough to go on his knees. I’ve been trying to encourage him by supporting him on his knees. Not too long ago when I did that he would protest it, but now I do it and he laughs and laughs. And then I left go and he collapses again. If I try to encourage him to come to me, he laughs and wiggles (similar to the rocking motion he’d do if he were on his hands and knees, that sort of “I know it’s something like this…” thing) but obviously doesn’t go anywhere. He is getting more adept at rolling over and over to get places and also turning himself around with his hands and doing some pulling himself along although not much yet.

He’s been cranky because of his teeth. His upper molars are still coming in, his bottom ones are starting, and I think I might see hints of his canines all coming in, but it could be swollen gums from the molars so I’m not sure on those yet. The last two days he’s seemed to be better, which has been a relief for me and probably for him as well. Poor kid. I just wish they would all come in already.

We are supposed to go to the Zoo with a friend tomorrow but the weather forecast is looking cool and overcast, with a chance of showers (60% POP) so I’m not sure if it’ll happen or not. It’s a friend from school and I haven’t seen her in a few years so I’m looking forward to it. I hope we can make other plans if we don’t end up going to the Zoo, I’d like to get out and see different people. Plus she has a… I forget how old her daughter is. I think she’s 4ish months? Good thing she’s not a newborn. I love the age FrostedBaby is now, but new babies make me all gooshy and wanting another one.