I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

update about me

I always update about what FrostedBaby’s up to and don’t really talk too much about me on here. That’s partly because there’s not too much going on with me aside from him (sad, but pretty typical, I think).

Actually, it’s not that there’s nothing going on with me, it’s just that it’s not stuff that makes for interesting posts. I’ve been reading a lot, I’m up to 35 books this year already. Breastfeeding means I do a fair bit of sitting around still. Not quite as much as when he was a newborn, but still. I tend to read a lot then as well as in the middle of the night after I’ve been up with him plus with husband away I hardly ever turn on the TV unless I’m watching a movie on Netflix so I do a lot of reading in the evenings. It helps that I’m reading some really good books lately. I’ve gone on a YA kick since that seems to be about the speed of book I can digest easily right now. I found grownup books were too slow and heavy on boring details for my mind, plus there is a lot of really good YA fiction out there.

I have a new Kobo, which makes it a lot easier to read while nursing. Husband gave me one for Mother’s Day last year when I was pregnant, I forget if I wrote about that then or not. I loved it and then it broke, so I got a replacement which also broke, then I got a replacement for that which was defective (kept resetting itself and forgetting where I was and the battery life sucked). I complained that I’d had a run of bad devices and they sent me a Kobo Touch as an apology and I love it so getting lots of reading done.

This weekend was my first official Mother’s Day. It kind of sucked šŸ˜› Husband was away, baby woke up at 5am and refused to go back to sleep after already having been up at 2 and me not sleeping very well before or after that wakeup, we went to my parents’ and he refused to nap, so I was completely exhausted. Went to pick up husband from airport at 4pm but we were both so tired that we barely spent any time together before we went to bed and then he was off again at 9 in the morning the next day. I did visit with my mom and my brother and his gf came over and we had a nice visit and all, but still.

I think part of it was that while I can actually celebrate Mother’s Day now, I remember only too clearly what it was like to be reminded yet again of what I didn’t have. And while I forgot that I was celebrating myself this year – for some reason it didn’t occur to me until my mom mentioned it. I think maybe it’s along those lines of wanting kids not to be a mother, but to have kids. I think I’ve made that distinction before here, where I have a friend who is all about being a mom while I’m much more focused on having a kid. I guess the focus is on them rather than myself. I don’t know, maybe that doesn’t make sense.

I just know that I remember that while I wasn’t that upset about not being able to celebrate an arbitrary day that is too commercialized, it just reminded me that yet again I had no kids. This year I have a kid and I was still thinking about all those who were feeling crappy because of the day.
That said, I would have liked to have had something done but with husband being gone so much he hasn’t had time to think about it and wasn’t around to get up early so I didn’t have to (plus I’d have had to be up anyway to breastfeed, a task he just refuses to do, I have no idea what his problem is) or something, but obviously that didn’t happen. Oh well. It’s not that I need to have a big deal made of me, but it would be nice to know that I’m being thought of. While I love taking care of my baby and I’m grateful for him every day, it would just be nice for my husband to show that he knows all the work I put in and that he thinks I’m doing a good job, that’s all. It doesn’t have to be on a particular day, just knowing that what I do is appreciated is nice since it feels a lot like I’m just expected to step up and do everything, but when he does it everyone makes a big deal of it.

Although I guess that takes the pressure off for Father’s Day šŸ˜‰

I think my period might be coming back, but I’m not sure. I noticed a while ago that I get irritable from time to time, but I wasn’t keeping track so I didn’t know if it was cyclical or not. And then I noticed that there were some of the signs I used to look out for for when I was ovulating (change in fluids, etc), and now somewhere around two weeks after that, I’m spotting. But it’s not turning into anything so far. I’ve had a tiny bit, just once every day for about five days now, but there’s usually nothing when I wipe (occasionally there is, but mostly not) and nothing else the rest of the day. Not sure what to think. Period trying to start? Body kicking into gear but not quite there yet?

Mixed feelings about its possible return. Obviously it’s been really nice not thinking about it for the past year and a half. Or should we say 7-8 months, since my postpartum bleeding stopped? Either way, it’s been nice. But it’s also sort of nerve-wracking thinking I could be pregnant without knowing it, unlikely as it is, and not really being sure if it might surprise me in a big gush one day. I’m not sure how I’ll feel about having a regular period if we’re not really actively trying to have a baby. It’s been so long that period = failure that I’m not sure I’ll still feel that even if I don’t really want to be pregnant, or if it will once again just be a nuisance and nothing more. I thought I’d feel worse about my postpartum bleed for the same reason, but I didn’t, it just was. Who knows, maybe since I’m not 100% sure I’m into being pregnant again yet (though can’t seem to come to grips with the idea of protecting), maybe it’ll be a bit of a relief to have a regular period and confirmation that I’m not. It’s been so long since I’ve had a “normal” relationship with my period that I have trouble remembering what that was like.

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