I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for May, 2012

9 months, 1 week, 1 day

I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before given that I’m such a library nut, but I finally had the brainwave that I could check out books for FrostedBaby from the library. We have some books here but not a ton and we’ve read all of them many times already. When I go to buy books I can’t make up my mind what I want to get. But at the library it doesn’t matter if I choose a book that doesn’t catch his attention since I’m not spending money on it. So I checked out a bunch that I think he’ll like, which is exciting for me.

I try and do storytime together in between his dinnertime and bedtime, when he’s tired but it’s not quite time for him to get ready. We sit on the couch together, with him next to me and snuggled into my side and we read and look at the pictures. He seems to like it, and he often looks up at me to smile and he’s started making sounds as I’m reading which sometimes sound like he’s reacting to the books, although he makes them all the time so I don’t really think he is, but it’s cute anyway. He has a fairly short attention span still and gets restless after about 10 minutes (up from about 5 minutes!), so I try to keep things short or if we’re reading something longer I’ll paraphrase what’s on the page so we can flip pages faster. He likes to turn the pages and touch the books. When we were at the library, he was in his stroller and I gave him one of the books to hold onto and he was very excited about that 😉

I think I was talking about his new laugh the other day. He’s changed again, where he still does the fake-sounding one, but now he’s doing more real belly laughs again and today he was doing a new type of belly laugh that I hope sticks around. I can’t even describe it, except to say that it sounds like a really deep belly laugh. I could listen to him do that all day and never get sick of it.

He’s started yelling randomly. I’m not sure if he’s trying to communicate something – hunger, boredom, tiredness? – or if he’s just talking or looking for attention. Sometimes he looks mad when he does it and sometimes he doesn’t look anything in particular. Sometimes he laughs if I do it back to him. I just wish I knew if it means something and what it meant, because I feel like I should be doing something but if I knew he was just making noise for the heck of it, it would be easier. And less annoying since I wouldn’t keep wondering if I’m missing something or should be doing something that I’m not.

We went to the Zoo again on Sunday. It was a beautiful day, mostly overcast but with some sun and a perfect temperature. We spent about 3 hours there and there were no meltdowns or anything this time. We were able to avoid the washrooms with the scary dryers (if he’d needed to be changed, I would have either just changed him in his stroller or else found a family washroom) and because he’s dropped one of his naps he wasn’t missing any and wasn’t overtired. We were able to see more animals and we rode on the zoomobile and he seemed to like that although he was usually looking the opposite way when I tried to point out any animals.

He’s growth spurting right now so he’s eating a lot, so in those three hours I had to nurse him once and he had dinner and then nursed again before we left. And that’s after eating a decent lunch before we went. I can certainly appreciate the convenience of breastfeeding at times like that, where I don’t have to worry about making sure I pack enough food since I always have food with me no matter what. I think I may never wean him 😉

He’s doing well on solids still and is more and more able to tolerate food with textures. I find it weird though that some foods will cause him to gag and others won’t, so I’m hesitant to try some new things if I’m not sure. I know it’s just a matter of trying them and if he gags then I know he’s not ready, but when he’s gagging I start panicking that maybe he’s choking and I don’t recognize the difference and it scares me. I’m giving him the odd random food to try (like a small piece of hamburger the other day or a blackberry and things like that) and he’s done really well. He’s started having yogurt, which he really likes, especially mixed with fruit, and I’ve tried cottage cheese as well but he didn’t seem to like that – he made faces and seemed less than enthusiastic about subsequent spoonfuls, then gagged and shuddered at one, and then he threw up a bunch of it. I’ll try again, but I can’t blame him for not liking it since I don’t like it either.

No big strides towards crawling yet, but he is rolling more and more and some days that’s all he wants to do. He wiggles in ways that make it look like he’s maybe trying to get his legs under him or that he knows if he moves a certain way he’ll get somewhere but can’t figure it out. He definitely likes it when he gets to something and can play with it or investigate it or whatever. We’re going to be in so much trouble once he’s mobile, since he’s always been so curious about everything. Now instead of just looking, he gets to touch it too!


9 months, 1 day

This is a cut and paste from my other journal.

Apparently we are back to the changing every day stuff.

– He’s now rolling all over the place, though still less as a way to get around and into stuff as going to one toy and getting it and then laying on his back to play with it. He looks at stuff that’s out of reach and you can tell he’s trying to figure out how he can get there but so far hasn’t figured it out totally. He can turn himself around using his arms while he’s on his tummy and I’ve seen him pushing back a few times like he’s going to get up on his knees but hasn’t made it quite that far yet.

– He suddenly has so much strength in his legs that he can fully stand on his own when I hold him up, he just needs me for balance now. I put him standing in his crib and got him to hold onto the side and he stood there for a few seconds before he fell down. This is a huge leap from before when he could stand and bounce, but still needed support to stay up.

– He has a new sound. It’s somewhere in between a hard T, K, or CH sound, I can’t quite tell and it sounds different sometimes so I wonder if he’s still experimenting with it. He uses it at the end of “da”, so it’s like “DaK!”

– This morning he was playing peekaboo with me, and he was the one moving the towel over his face. Usually I put it over his face and he whips it off and laughs when I say “where’s FrostedBaby?” but this was the first time he was the one moving the towel in front of his face. And sometimes he’d leave one eye peeking out and would laugh and cover it when I said that I could still see him.

– He understands “where’s the cat?” – he turns and looks at him. It’s not always, depending on what he’s doing, but it’s often enough that I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

– Top two first molars are in (next to the canines that aren’t in yet) and I think I see evidence that the bottom two are coming in. His gums look a bit puffy and I think I can see a line on his right side. That would make him have 10 teeth, on his way to 12. I think he’s been so busy growing teeth he hasn’t had time to crawl 😛

– 1 <– That’s from FrostedBaby

– He has a new laugh. Instead of his adorable belly laugh, he does this “uuuuuhuuuuuuuh” sound, almost like he’s faking it except he does it even when I’m tickling him. It’s more of a back of the throat laugh instead of a full out belly laugh like before. It’s not as cute as it was, and he doesn’t make the great shrieky sounds in between laughs that I used to love 😦 Occasionally he does a belly laugh but not usually anymore. I wonder if it’s a developmental thing or what. Actually, it sounds a lot more like his old laugh that he used to do at like 6 weeks before the belly laugh started. Interesting. I don’t know what it means, but it’s still interesting.

update about me

I always update about what FrostedBaby’s up to and don’t really talk too much about me on here. That’s partly because there’s not too much going on with me aside from him (sad, but pretty typical, I think).

Actually, it’s not that there’s nothing going on with me, it’s just that it’s not stuff that makes for interesting posts. I’ve been reading a lot, I’m up to 35 books this year already. Breastfeeding means I do a fair bit of sitting around still. Not quite as much as when he was a newborn, but still. I tend to read a lot then as well as in the middle of the night after I’ve been up with him plus with husband away I hardly ever turn on the TV unless I’m watching a movie on Netflix so I do a lot of reading in the evenings. It helps that I’m reading some really good books lately. I’ve gone on a YA kick since that seems to be about the speed of book I can digest easily right now. I found grownup books were too slow and heavy on boring details for my mind, plus there is a lot of really good YA fiction out there.

I have a new Kobo, which makes it a lot easier to read while nursing. Husband gave me one for Mother’s Day last year when I was pregnant, I forget if I wrote about that then or not. I loved it and then it broke, so I got a replacement which also broke, then I got a replacement for that which was defective (kept resetting itself and forgetting where I was and the battery life sucked). I complained that I’d had a run of bad devices and they sent me a Kobo Touch as an apology and I love it so getting lots of reading done.

This weekend was my first official Mother’s Day. It kind of sucked 😛 Husband was away, baby woke up at 5am and refused to go back to sleep after already having been up at 2 and me not sleeping very well before or after that wakeup, we went to my parents’ and he refused to nap, so I was completely exhausted. Went to pick up husband from airport at 4pm but we were both so tired that we barely spent any time together before we went to bed and then he was off again at 9 in the morning the next day. I did visit with my mom and my brother and his gf came over and we had a nice visit and all, but still.

I think part of it was that while I can actually celebrate Mother’s Day now, I remember only too clearly what it was like to be reminded yet again of what I didn’t have. And while I forgot that I was celebrating myself this year – for some reason it didn’t occur to me until my mom mentioned it. I think maybe it’s along those lines of wanting kids not to be a mother, but to have kids. I think I’ve made that distinction before here, where I have a friend who is all about being a mom while I’m much more focused on having a kid. I guess the focus is on them rather than myself. I don’t know, maybe that doesn’t make sense.

I just know that I remember that while I wasn’t that upset about not being able to celebrate an arbitrary day that is too commercialized, it just reminded me that yet again I had no kids. This year I have a kid and I was still thinking about all those who were feeling crappy because of the day.
That said, I would have liked to have had something done but with husband being gone so much he hasn’t had time to think about it and wasn’t around to get up early so I didn’t have to (plus I’d have had to be up anyway to breastfeed, a task he just refuses to do, I have no idea what his problem is) or something, but obviously that didn’t happen. Oh well. It’s not that I need to have a big deal made of me, but it would be nice to know that I’m being thought of. While I love taking care of my baby and I’m grateful for him every day, it would just be nice for my husband to show that he knows all the work I put in and that he thinks I’m doing a good job, that’s all. It doesn’t have to be on a particular day, just knowing that what I do is appreciated is nice since it feels a lot like I’m just expected to step up and do everything, but when he does it everyone makes a big deal of it.

Although I guess that takes the pressure off for Father’s Day 😉

I think my period might be coming back, but I’m not sure. I noticed a while ago that I get irritable from time to time, but I wasn’t keeping track so I didn’t know if it was cyclical or not. And then I noticed that there were some of the signs I used to look out for for when I was ovulating (change in fluids, etc), and now somewhere around two weeks after that, I’m spotting. But it’s not turning into anything so far. I’ve had a tiny bit, just once every day for about five days now, but there’s usually nothing when I wipe (occasionally there is, but mostly not) and nothing else the rest of the day. Not sure what to think. Period trying to start? Body kicking into gear but not quite there yet?

Mixed feelings about its possible return. Obviously it’s been really nice not thinking about it for the past year and a half. Or should we say 7-8 months, since my postpartum bleeding stopped? Either way, it’s been nice. But it’s also sort of nerve-wracking thinking I could be pregnant without knowing it, unlikely as it is, and not really being sure if it might surprise me in a big gush one day. I’m not sure how I’ll feel about having a regular period if we’re not really actively trying to have a baby. It’s been so long that period = failure that I’m not sure I’ll still feel that even if I don’t really want to be pregnant, or if it will once again just be a nuisance and nothing more. I thought I’d feel worse about my postpartum bleed for the same reason, but I didn’t, it just was. Who knows, maybe since I’m not 100% sure I’m into being pregnant again yet (though can’t seem to come to grips with the idea of protecting), maybe it’ll be a bit of a relief to have a regular period and confirmation that I’m not. It’s been so long since I’ve had a “normal” relationship with my period that I have trouble remembering what that was like.

8 months, 3 weeks, 3 days

Looks like I might be back in business. This is actually much faster to post anyway, it doesn’t have to load this stupid post counter that says, “this was your Xth post, only Y more until your next goal of Z posts!” Considering these are goals it’s setting for me, not ones I’m particularly interested in, I can skip that part. While I do like know how many there are, the goal part bugs me.

FrostedBaby is down for his morning nap, though he’s not sleeping yet even though he was dead asleep when I put him down. For the past month or so his napping has been very sporadic and his sleeping at night has been not so great either. He was refusing at least one of his naps all of a sudden, would cry and cry and not fall asleep until I’d finally give up and get him up like an hour later. I know I get a break even when he’s not really sleeping, but it’s really only relaxing time if he’s asleep because I have to listen to him whine and squawk and then cry and I never really get to turn off. Not that I ever really get to fully, but I do a bit more when he’s not awake.

At night he started waking up multiple times in the early evenings and I’d have to go up and rock him because he’d very quickly get hysterical and not be able to bring himself down. I have mixed feelings about whether or not going up is helpful. I know he can still put himself to sleep because he does it at naptime a lot (when he goes at all), but at night he was having trouble. I don’t want to get into the habit of him needing to be rocked to sleep because I’m already “stuck” to him for nursing and all the other things only I can get him to do (and can’t really get husband to do because he’s been away for the past 6 weeks), I don’t need to add more to that list so I can never get out by myself. This whole sleeping thing is definitely a challenge, and it makes it worse sometimes to read books and see what they all say we “should” be doing.

I think a lot of it is due to the 8 month developmental milestones. The worst of the not-sleeping was right before he figured out how to roll over. I’m also wondering if he might be dropping a nap. It’s common for that to happen around now… except usually they go from 3 naps to 2 and he’s only ever taken 2 since he goes to bed early. Problem is that while he won’t sleep, he is *exhausted* by bedtime. Though it does mean that his last feeding is usually pretty short because he falls asleep and that generally allows me enough time before he wakes up screaming (if he does at all) to eat dinner, which gives me more patience and tolerance for his shenanigans.

Speaking of going out alone, my parents have watched him a few times while I ran out to pick up husband from the airport (we’ve been spending lots of time at their place since they’re only 20 minutes from the airport while husband flies in for usually less than 24 hours before he’s off again) and other things. He’s been very good and while he looks around for me, he’s fine. He’ll often get upset when I walk in though… I think it’s because it’s like when you’re on your best behaviour for people you don’t know as well and as soon as you’re back in a comfortable environment or with people you know well, you can be yourself again. I think it means that he’s comfortable enough with me to not be on his best behaviour all the time. I’m not sure if he’s aware enough for that type of thinking, but it certainly seems that that’s the way he acts.

Last week my parents sent husband and I out to have dinner together after FrostedBaby was down for the night. We ate and when we came back he was screaming. Apparently he woke up and had some gas and then settled down. He wasn’t asleep, but he wasn’t screaming and he seemed calm at least. Then my mom shifted her foot to be more comfortable and knocked something on the floor and he went ballistic, and naturally that was when we got home, before he’d calmed down again. I ran upstairs and took him and the second he was in my arms, he stopped. Poor guy. It’s nice to know that even if he doesn’t go back to sleep, he’ll at least be calm if I’m out. Assuming no scary loud noises, obviously 😉

I installed a baby gate this week. It was on sale (those things are so expensive, even on sale!) so I grabbed it and looked at the others available to watch for them on sale. I put it in the most important spot, which is a step down to the laundry, washroom, and garage that’s off the main front area where his playroom is. He’s not super mobile quiet yet, but he’s starting to chain together his rolling so that he’s moving off his playmat. He has to go a fair ways to get there, but that’s not too far off and he could potentially fall down that step now. It turns out that the girl who’s given us most of his clothes also has gates available so I’m hoping that she’ll have good ones for the stairs and maybe some others for the other areas of the house. I’m not 100% positive how I want to block things off, I keep changing my mind so maybe that might help me decide. I guess we might also decide as he gets more and more mobile.

He’s been moving around in his crib a lot. A few times I’ve gone in and he’s on his tummy though whether he’s crying because he’s “stuck” or whether he rolled over because he was awake, I’m not sure yet. It doesn’t happen often enough, even when I know he’s awake (like right now) for me to think he’s doing it in his sleep like a lot of babies. Plus, he knows how to roll onto his back with no problem, though I guess it’s always different if you’re half awake. Anyway, twice I’ve gone in and he’s been sideways across his bed, one of those times he was crammed up at the top of the bed. And this morning I went in and he was the opposite way from how I put him. The best part is I go in and see him like that and he laughs and laughs like he’s pulled a clever trick on me.

Well, that worked, let’s try a longer update

Point forms of some major stuff, then I’ll post and see if it does it properly before I write out a novel. I’ve not been able to post anything for the past while because it only posts the title and then actual update part is blank.

– FrostedBaby is 8 months, 3 weeks, 2 days old.
– He learned how to roll over onto his tummy about two weeks ago and now spends a good portion of his day wanting to do that. He seems to want to go places and get at things, but hasn’t figured it out yet.
– Teeth numbers 9 and 10 are just breaking through the gums. They’re both the first molars on each side. He’s been miserable about it the last couple of days, poor little guy.
– His hair is definitely curly. As if he needed to be any cuter!
– I’ve started giving him some finger foods to feed himself, just the rice crackers and puffs that dissolve really quickly on contact with saliva since I’m not quite sure how good he is at chewing. It’s mostly about the motor skills and getting used to more solid things in his mouth. He’s really enjoying them and he is so adorable when he’s eating.
– Also got him a straw sippy cup to get him used to that. He figured it out the first time I gave it to him, but sometimes he thinks waving it around and watching the water slosh around is more fun.

Going to post this and see if it posts. If it does, I’ll hopefully be back tomorrow with a more full update. I’ve been so sad I haven’t been able to write here!


testing, testing, 1, 2, 3…. posting from a different area.

let’s see if this will post properly now