I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

I keep thinking I should update but then never get around to it. And then there’s a lot of stuff to cover so I know it’ll take a while and so I don’t it. I should learn just to write small updates, but I probably won’t.

It’s been two weeks since we started solids and they are going very well. He’s had sweet potatoes, butternut squash, apples, broccoli, and carrots. I have bananas made up and I have some steelcut oatmeal to try as well but haven’t yet. Anytime he tries something new with a new flavour (and probably texture since some things are a lot smoother than others), he makes faces like he’s not sure what he thinks of it, but then pretty quickly adjusts. Yesterday we did the broccoli and carrots for the first time and we were out for lunch when we did them, so I was just heating it up in hot water, but I couldn’t get them any warmer than tepid. He was making awful faces, especially for the broccoli but even for the carrots. He seemed interested but the look on his face was so funny – a combination of “what IS this?”, disappointment, and disgust and sometimes he wouldn’t even look at me. He wasn’t quite spitting it out, but he wasn’t swallowing it terribly happily. And then I’d show him the next spoonful and he’d open wide and then make the face. Poor guy. Today we were home for lunch so they were heated up properly and he was all over them.

I think tomorrow we’re going to start giving him dinner as well as lunch since he seemed interested when I was pureeing the bananas before he went to bed. Going to give him some apples since I don’t want to give him stuff that’s not proven to be okay with him and that’s the only thing I have available right now.

He’s been a lot of fun lately. He’s started actively trying to get reactions out of us and being very playful, like he loves when we repeat what he says (usually “ah” or “ba” or screeching with various inflections) and we’ll go back and forth a bunch of times, getting louder and louder and more excited. I do a lot of kissing his face and “biting” his cheeks and nomnomnoming on his neck or zerberting him. When I do some of that, he’s now turning his face towards me and doing the same thing to me (not really the zerberting, but the nomnoming and the biting) and then if I squeal and make a big deal out of it, he laughs and screeches and makes roaring noises. The other day he was laying on his back on his mat (after I put him on his tummy and he rolled over) and I was flipping the blanket over him like I used to do when he was really little and was just learning to use his arms and he would flip it off his face. Anyway, this time he would sometimes flip it off, but sometimes he would leave it on and giggle under the blanket while I’m going “where’s FrostedBaby?” and it sounded so much like he was laughing at pulling one over on me. It’s so awesome to see some of his personality coming out. He seems to be so playful and fun and like he’s developing a sense of humour and has an impish streak.

Sometimes I think saying I love him just does not even begin to do it justice. It’s love, but it’s much more than any other love I’ve ever experienced. And mixed up in it is the gratefulness that I get to be this amazing kid’s mom and feeling so lucky that he’s mine and wonder and amazement and awe.

I forget if I’ve talked about going back to work much here or not. In short, in case I haven’t or it’s been forgotten or maybe I have some new readers, I do not want to go back to work when my mat leave is up. I don’t make that much, so daycare would be half of what I make, plus gas would be another quarter especially with the way it’s trending (and I have a hybrid). The nature of my job is taking care of people so doing that all day and then coming home and taking care of him would lead to quick burnout, plus I’d only see him a couple of hours a day if he’s staying up later by then, so I was really not big on the idea. Plus, I just plain like being home with him and I don’t want to miss things. We weren’t sure if I’d be able to because my husband owns his own business and while it’s doing well, it’s a young business. He’s been doing freelance stuff on the side and that’s going well and more and more is coming in, plus we have some money left over from what his parents gave us to help us start up his business, and I’ve been looking for stuff that I can do from home on the side to make some as well but hadn’t found anything until last week when I saw a posting and so I applied and got it. Those factors combined with the fact that I want to take advantage of any time I can get, plus even when I do go back I might want to do something different or at the very least closer to home (I used to spend an hour each way commuting), we decided that I wouldn’t go back. It’s looking like I’ll almost for sure (barring business tanking or huge unexpected expenses) be able to be off for the rest of 2012 and all of 2013 if things remain the way they have been (and even since we decided that, things have improved), which is enough for me. Plus the fact that I got this work from home position leads me to think I might be able to pull that off as well.

I’ve been in a conversation with work about what my options are and I told them that I was definitely wanting to extend, and they needed a letter telling them when I was extending to so they could do the paperwork for a new hire since my replacement is returning to school so won’t be staying, so I figured since I’m leaving anyway that I would let them know so they wouldn’t have to do a bunch of work twice. I was kind of sad ahead of time and I think it would have been harder to do in person, but I did it over the phone since I asked for a meeting with my boss next week Wednesday when I’m in the area for an appointment anyway but she said they needed to know ahead of time and to phone her. She said she was sorry to lose me, but she understands. She said that she had to work when her kids were young and she missed out on a lot and she regrets it to this day, which pretty much confirmed my decision. Even if I don’t end up being able to be off as long as I’d ideally like (until he and any others are in full time school), it’ll be a whole different game when he’s that much older and I’ll have gotten that extra time and I’ll worry about it when it comes. We’re going to arrange a lunch with some co-workers as a goodbye, which I’m glad about. I just have to officially write the letter and send it to them. I was a bit hesitant to tell them so far ahead of time, in case things happen in the meantime, but I think it’s just putting off the inevitable by doing that, and as I said I’d probably be looking for something closer or different or whatever anyway.

So yeah, kind of excited, kind of nervous but overall optimistic and it’s nice to have the decision made. I had a dream the other day that I had to go back to work and I’d forgotten to find daycare and it was this awful dream full of awful feelings, I could cry just thinking about it. I feel jealous of thinking of someone else getting to take care of my baby all day and me never getting to see him and I get this awful dreading feeling when I think about having to do that. And now I don’t have to, at least for a while.

And to be clear, I’m not saying daycare is bad and I know lots of moms who don’t want to stay home with their kids, and that’s great for them… but it’s not for me. I never expected to feel as strongly about it as I do, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the IF or if I would have felt that way anyway.


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