I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

20 weeks 6 days

One year ago today I had my first ultrasound to confirm that there was in fact something in my uterus that might turn into a baby someday. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. I still get choked up when I think of how amazing it was to hear that there was something there and it had a strong heartbeat – I was so afraid that it would turn out to not actually be anything growing. I still find it amazing to think that that thing, which looked like a jelly bean (with arms!) and was the size of a raspberry turned into the amazing little guy who is currently sleeping upstairs. I know I thought it was a miracle that two little tiny cells from two people can become a real person, especially when I know firsthand how it doesn’t always work, but when I look at him and think about where it came from, it seems even more amazing. Sometimes I look at him and I can’t believe he’s here, that I’m here, that those years of waiting and wondering if we would ever be here are over. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel grateful that we are one of the lucky ones. I know those who have failures always wonder why them and not others, and I often wonder why me, but in a good way. I am most certainly not complaining, but it does make you wonder sometimes.

I am very glad right now that we got the baby monitor. We have a new cat – I didn’t mention it on here, I don’t think, but the cat we’d had for 10 years started acting not like himself in October and we took him into the vet to get checked out and she found a mass in his abdomen and we had to put him to sleep since he was obviously not doing well and the prognosis was really bad, even to fully diagnose what the mass was. It sucked and I still really miss him. He was really quirky and the things I miss are not common personality traits in cats – who we’ve had for about 3 weeks? 4 weeks? We got him just before Christmas. Anyway, he came from a home with kids around so he’s comfortable with the baby, even if he pulls his fur and stuff. He (the cat) has realized that when the baby cries in the night, that means someone is going to be up to pay attention to him. So he’s taken to coming in and sitting on my lap while I’m feeding FrostedBaby and it’s cute. The other morning I went into the nursery when FrostedBaby was crying and the cat was in the crib with him. I’m not sure how long he’d been there, but FrostedBaby only started crying shortly before I went in, after chattering to himself for a while. I don’t know if the cat jumped in because he started crying, if he got startled when the cat jumped in, or if they’re not related, or what. But I don’t feel comfortable knowing the cat is going in the crib unsupervised since he’s pretty big and doesn’t always move right away if he doesn’t want to so I don’t think if he decided to lay on the baby for some reason if FrostedBaby would be able to get him off. Anyway, so now his door is closed when he’s sleeping so I don’t need to worry about it. I don’t believe he would go in there and do anything on purpose, and I don’t think he would even do anything accidentally, but he is kittenish and he gets excited and I don’t want to find out the hard way that I’m wrong. I was leaving the nursery door open at night so that he would be louder when he cried, but with both his and my door closed, he’s a lot quieter so I feel better having the monitor on so I don’t sleep through. I don’t think I would, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I was worried I would.

He’s been very sleepy lately. He’s sleeping again in the morning after the first feed – I bring him into my bed so I can still lay down, he eats and then we talk a bit and play, then we both sleep a bit longer. And I’ve been able to get him to nap again, though that’s a bit hit and miss on how long – a few times it’s been hours and other times it’s only half an hour. And he’s been going to bed really early. We were getting him ready starting at about 7, but now it’s 6:30 and some days I think it could be 6 that we could start. There were a couple of nights he slept for 8 and 9 hours, but then last night it was only 5, although that’s an improvement over the 4 hours max he was doing for a while. I wonder if he’s gearing up for a growth spurt, or if he’s settling into a better routine again now that his teeth don’t seem to be bugging him anymore (no more rosy cheeks or crankiness and less drooling, though he’s still chomping on things a lot – I wonder if that’s just the normal putting things in his mouth baby thing though at this point).

I don’t think he’s started doing anything really new lately. At least, not major stuff. He’s making razzing noises with his lips (one of the four-month things, I think it was) and he’s started reaching for things that aren’t right in front of him or being offered to him this week. At the coffee meetup in my moms group, he was reaching for toys and he hadn’t done that before – he would wait for me to offer them to him, otherwise he would just look at stuff. He reaches out for the cat when he’s nearby so he can pet him. I think when Daddy got home from being away for the week on business, he reached out for him as well, which is so cute. And then he reached back for me… awww!

He’s full of belly laughs lately, complete with snorting if he really gets going. He’s very ticklish (it’s genetic, both Daddy and I are super ticklish) and he laughs when I tickle him. When he gets really tired, he’ll laugh like that, but it has this hysterical edge to it and it very quickly degenerates into crying, which is kind of funny. Sometimes it’s like he doesn’t know what he wants to do – laugh or cry and his face goes back and forth in a very comical way. When we see him doing that, we know it’s time to get him to bed or to a calmer headspace. He laughs when you bounce him, when you toss him in the air, when you hang him upside down, when I sing at him from across the room in a silly way, if we act silly especially if we’re dancing or doing big motions, if you talk to him in a baby voice, if you change the pitch of your voice a lot (the other day it was alternating high and low pitch and saying “fuzzy pants” that had him really going – I was saying that because he was wearing fleecy pants). I swear I could do stupid things all day if he just kept laughing.

He woke up a little while ago and wanted to eat again and when he was done he fell asleep and smiled, then laughed in his sleep. I would love to know what he’s dreaming about. Is it things that have happened, or is he able to dream about things that have never happened to him? And when he wakes up crying like he’s scared, is he dreaming about something that happened or is he imagining things? He hasn’t had a whole lot of scary things in his life (I think?), so I have no idea. Dreaming about no mommy? No milk? Maybe dreaming about something overwhelming? Maybe dreaming about being born, if he can still remember that? It would be fascinating to find out.

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Comments on: "20 weeks 6 days" (1)

  1. Hard to believe he’s that old already. I often wonder what babies think too. It must be quite amazing for them because so much is new every day.

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