I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

19 weeks 4 days

This is a cut and paste from my for-friends blog.

The last couple of days FrostedBaby has smelled especially baby-ish for some reason. I have no idea why, I haven’t done anything different. Maybe it’s the new year 😉 I can’t stop smelling him. I love that baby smell. I wish I could bottle it and smell it when he no longer smells like that, which hopefully won’t be until he’s about 50.

We were watching a show yesterday and one of the characters is pregnant and seems to have gotten a huge belly since the last episode, which was a month or so ago, but still. For the first time since FrostedBaby was born, I sort of missed my belly. It feels like a long time ago that I looked like that, it’s hard to believe I ever did. Aside from a few stretch marks, I don’t think you can really tell physically that I did either. I kind of like those stretch marks, it’s like proof that it did in fact happen. Obviously I have photographic evidence, including a picture taken 16.5 hours before I went into labour but still.

I was looking at old videos of FrostedBaby on my cell phone, the first from when he was about 11 days old or something like that. He’s changed so much, it’s amazing. It’s funny to see that he does the same things (wiggling, looking around, making noise) that he does now, but he’s more coordinated and more like a person.

I met up with the moms group people at the coffee place today (back to our routine, yay!) and a lot of the babies look older than when I last saw them which was a few weeks ago now.

Sometimes I want to have 25 babies because he’s so amazing. Sometimes I wonder how I could handle even one more. Sometimes I desperately want to be pregnant with a second already, other times I really hope it takes a little longer, though I think if I could guarantee a girl I’d be totally good with whenever 😉 When he was first born, I was totally against the idea of having a second right away. Then I was okay with the idea of being pregnant and of having a second around, but wanted no part of labour again 😛 (my labour was fine, it’s just a really intense experience and you never really know, even during it, how it’s all going to go – if I knew it would be fast and uneventful I’d be more up for it). Now I’m starting to think that maybe it might be worth it to have another.

But sometimes I wonder how I could possibly love a second one as much I love FrostedBaby. How can any other baby be as amazing and awesome as he is, even if it were the girl I still want? Even if it were another boy? I know that you do love others as much, but right now it just seems that any other would be a pale comparison to him. (and I know that I would say that a third could never compare to my amazing first two, and it’ll all change when/if I have the second, but it just seems incredible to me right now).

Now that I’m into January of the year I’m supposed to return to work, I’ve been researching things like setting up a home daycare so that I can stay home and not have to return. I love my job, but I’m afraid that I’ll get burnt out really quick because I’ll be taking care of people literally all day. Taking care of seniors at work, then come home and take care of baby, wash rinse repeat. Besides the fact that I don’t want to miss anything and I don’t want anyone else to raise my kid(s) for me, plus I just love being with him. The big thing with doing daycare here, besides logistics like space and all, is that I might feel like I was working constantly. At least if I go back to my current work, I’d be seeing adults so the caretaking would be a little bit different. What would be ideal (aside from not having to go back to work until I want to) would be finding work that was completely different than taking care of a baby.

The good thing is that husband says that with the way his business is going currently, I can definitely be off until January 2013 (so another full year off!), and if things are looking the way they seem to be looking, maybe even be off for all of 2013. And then hopefully things will continue to improve and maybe I can be off longer! I believe that in Ontario your workplace has to hold your job for you for 2 years, although obviously you don’t get mat leave for longer than the first year. Either way, it might give me more time to come up with something I can do (plus make it a bit more feasible to have a job on the side since he won’t require quite as much hands-on parenting all the time, plus he’ll hopefully be sleeping through the night and all) to make up the extra money without actually having to return to work until I’m ready. We’ll see how that goes, but I’m feeling super happy about that right now. I never really expected to enjoy being off as much as I do. I guess it helps that I’ve made friends and all, but I love him being my job and I love having a flexible schedule (or at least not having to be up early and driving to work) and I love going out and doing things with him and all. Not every moment is super fun, but overall it’s awesome.

Speaking of awesome, baby monitors are awesome! 😉 We didn’t get one and we didn’t really need one since (un)fortunately noise carries around this house in some areas so I can hear him easily downstairs when he’s upstairs, but I was reluctant to close his door because that blocks sound too much and I felt like I was going to miss him crying unless I was super quiet. So I decided that I wanted one and use a gift card I got from co-workers to buy one. Now I can close his door and not worry that noise or light from downstairs is going to bother him, but not worry that I’m going to miss him if he needs me. It’s also great when he naps so I can do the same thing, or get busy doing something and not have to stop every few minutes or every time I hear a noise. Also at night, I don’t like to go to sleep until I know he’s asleep (otherwise I’ll be awake being sure he’s going to cry at any second, even though he usually doesn’t), so now I can go to bed and read (I have to to turn my brain off again) and then when he’s obviously asleep and I’m tired again I can just go to sleep instead of having to keep getting up to listen at his door (which stays open when we go to bed because I can hear him better, so I don’t need the monitor on then since if I did I’d be awake at every sound he made, and he’s pretty noisy still).

(And as I’m cutting and pasting this here, I’m listening to him in his room blowing huge raspberries, which is one of his new things. He’s supposed to be sleeping)

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