I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for January, 2012

5 months, 8 days (23 weeks)

I keep meaning to post and then I don’t get around to it. This is mostly to prove I’m still alive and doing well, since I’m about to pack stuff up and head out to my mom’s place to visit.

The biggest news is also my favourite development to date – FrostedBaby is full out belly laughing all the time now. He is so happy that he’s ready to laugh at anything and it’s the most awesomest and cutest thing ever. (it’s so awesome I can’t remember how to grammar properly! :P) I know I’ve said this before (maybe not here) and I’ll say it again, but I would like to freeze him at this age because he’s perfect and it’s so much fun right now.


20 weeks 6 days

One year ago today I had my first ultrasound to confirm that there was in fact something in my uterus that might turn into a baby someday. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. I still get choked up when I think of how amazing it was to hear that there was something there and it had a strong heartbeat – I was so afraid that it would turn out to not actually be anything growing. I still find it amazing to think that that thing, which looked like a jelly bean (with arms!) and was the size of a raspberry turned into the amazing little guy who is currently sleeping upstairs. I know I thought it was a miracle that two little tiny cells from two people can become a real person, especially when I know firsthand how it doesn’t always work, but when I look at him and think about where it came from, it seems even more amazing. Sometimes I look at him and I can’t believe he’s here, that I’m here, that those years of waiting and wondering if we would ever be here are over. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel grateful that we are one of the lucky ones. I know those who have failures always wonder why them and not others, and I often wonder why me, but in a good way. I am most certainly not complaining, but it does make you wonder sometimes.

I am very glad right now that we got the baby monitor. We have a new cat – I didn’t mention it on here, I don’t think, but the cat we’d had for 10 years started acting not like himself in October and we took him into the vet to get checked out and she found a mass in his abdomen and we had to put him to sleep since he was obviously not doing well and the prognosis was really bad, even to fully diagnose what the mass was. It sucked and I still really miss him. He was really quirky and the things I miss are not common personality traits in cats – who we’ve had for about 3 weeks? 4 weeks? We got him just before Christmas. Anyway, he came from a home with kids around so he’s comfortable with the baby, even if he pulls his fur and stuff. He (the cat) has realized that when the baby cries in the night, that means someone is going to be up to pay attention to him. So he’s taken to coming in and sitting on my lap while I’m feeding FrostedBaby and it’s cute. The other morning I went into the nursery when FrostedBaby was crying and the cat was in the crib with him. I’m not sure how long he’d been there, but FrostedBaby only started crying shortly before I went in, after chattering to himself for a while. I don’t know if the cat jumped in because he started crying, if he got startled when the cat jumped in, or if they’re not related, or what. But I don’t feel comfortable knowing the cat is going in the crib unsupervised since he’s pretty big and doesn’t always move right away if he doesn’t want to so I don’t think if he decided to lay on the baby for some reason if FrostedBaby would be able to get him off. Anyway, so now his door is closed when he’s sleeping so I don’t need to worry about it. I don’t believe he would go in there and do anything on purpose, and I don’t think he would even do anything accidentally, but he is kittenish and he gets excited and I don’t want to find out the hard way that I’m wrong. I was leaving the nursery door open at night so that he would be louder when he cried, but with both his and my door closed, he’s a lot quieter so I feel better having the monitor on so I don’t sleep through. I don’t think I would, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I was worried I would.

He’s been very sleepy lately. He’s sleeping again in the morning after the first feed – I bring him into my bed so I can still lay down, he eats and then we talk a bit and play, then we both sleep a bit longer. And I’ve been able to get him to nap again, though that’s a bit hit and miss on how long – a few times it’s been hours and other times it’s only half an hour. And he’s been going to bed really early. We were getting him ready starting at about 7, but now it’s 6:30 and some days I think it could be 6 that we could start. There were a couple of nights he slept for 8 and 9 hours, but then last night it was only 5, although that’s an improvement over the 4 hours max he was doing for a while. I wonder if he’s gearing up for a growth spurt, or if he’s settling into a better routine again now that his teeth don’t seem to be bugging him anymore (no more rosy cheeks or crankiness and less drooling, though he’s still chomping on things a lot – I wonder if that’s just the normal putting things in his mouth baby thing though at this point).

I don’t think he’s started doing anything really new lately. At least, not major stuff. He’s making razzing noises with his lips (one of the four-month things, I think it was) and he’s started reaching for things that aren’t right in front of him or being offered to him this week. At the coffee meetup in my moms group, he was reaching for toys and he hadn’t done that before – he would wait for me to offer them to him, otherwise he would just look at stuff. He reaches out for the cat when he’s nearby so he can pet him. I think when Daddy got home from being away for the week on business, he reached out for him as well, which is so cute. And then he reached back for me… awww!

He’s full of belly laughs lately, complete with snorting if he really gets going. He’s very ticklish (it’s genetic, both Daddy and I are super ticklish) and he laughs when I tickle him. When he gets really tired, he’ll laugh like that, but it has this hysterical edge to it and it very quickly degenerates into crying, which is kind of funny. Sometimes it’s like he doesn’t know what he wants to do – laugh or cry and his face goes back and forth in a very comical way. When we see him doing that, we know it’s time to get him to bed or to a calmer headspace. He laughs when you bounce him, when you toss him in the air, when you hang him upside down, when I sing at him from across the room in a silly way, if we act silly especially if we’re dancing or doing big motions, if you talk to him in a baby voice, if you change the pitch of your voice a lot (the other day it was alternating high and low pitch and saying “fuzzy pants” that had him really going – I was saying that because he was wearing fleecy pants). I swear I could do stupid things all day if he just kept laughing.

He woke up a little while ago and wanted to eat again and when he was done he fell asleep and smiled, then laughed in his sleep. I would love to know what he’s dreaming about. Is it things that have happened, or is he able to dream about things that have never happened to him? And when he wakes up crying like he’s scared, is he dreaming about something that happened or is he imagining things? He hasn’t had a whole lot of scary things in his life (I think?), so I have no idea. Dreaming about no mommy? No milk? Maybe dreaming about something overwhelming? Maybe dreaming about being born, if he can still remember that? It would be fascinating to find out.

19 weeks 4 days

This is a cut and paste from my for-friends blog.

The last couple of days FrostedBaby has smelled especially baby-ish for some reason. I have no idea why, I haven’t done anything different. Maybe it’s the new year 😉 I can’t stop smelling him. I love that baby smell. I wish I could bottle it and smell it when he no longer smells like that, which hopefully won’t be until he’s about 50.

We were watching a show yesterday and one of the characters is pregnant and seems to have gotten a huge belly since the last episode, which was a month or so ago, but still. For the first time since FrostedBaby was born, I sort of missed my belly. It feels like a long time ago that I looked like that, it’s hard to believe I ever did. Aside from a few stretch marks, I don’t think you can really tell physically that I did either. I kind of like those stretch marks, it’s like proof that it did in fact happen. Obviously I have photographic evidence, including a picture taken 16.5 hours before I went into labour but still.

I was looking at old videos of FrostedBaby on my cell phone, the first from when he was about 11 days old or something like that. He’s changed so much, it’s amazing. It’s funny to see that he does the same things (wiggling, looking around, making noise) that he does now, but he’s more coordinated and more like a person.

I met up with the moms group people at the coffee place today (back to our routine, yay!) and a lot of the babies look older than when I last saw them which was a few weeks ago now.

Sometimes I want to have 25 babies because he’s so amazing. Sometimes I wonder how I could handle even one more. Sometimes I desperately want to be pregnant with a second already, other times I really hope it takes a little longer, though I think if I could guarantee a girl I’d be totally good with whenever 😉 When he was first born, I was totally against the idea of having a second right away. Then I was okay with the idea of being pregnant and of having a second around, but wanted no part of labour again 😛 (my labour was fine, it’s just a really intense experience and you never really know, even during it, how it’s all going to go – if I knew it would be fast and uneventful I’d be more up for it). Now I’m starting to think that maybe it might be worth it to have another.

But sometimes I wonder how I could possibly love a second one as much I love FrostedBaby. How can any other baby be as amazing and awesome as he is, even if it were the girl I still want? Even if it were another boy? I know that you do love others as much, but right now it just seems that any other would be a pale comparison to him. (and I know that I would say that a third could never compare to my amazing first two, and it’ll all change when/if I have the second, but it just seems incredible to me right now).

Now that I’m into January of the year I’m supposed to return to work, I’ve been researching things like setting up a home daycare so that I can stay home and not have to return. I love my job, but I’m afraid that I’ll get burnt out really quick because I’ll be taking care of people literally all day. Taking care of seniors at work, then come home and take care of baby, wash rinse repeat. Besides the fact that I don’t want to miss anything and I don’t want anyone else to raise my kid(s) for me, plus I just love being with him. The big thing with doing daycare here, besides logistics like space and all, is that I might feel like I was working constantly. At least if I go back to my current work, I’d be seeing adults so the caretaking would be a little bit different. What would be ideal (aside from not having to go back to work until I want to) would be finding work that was completely different than taking care of a baby.

The good thing is that husband says that with the way his business is going currently, I can definitely be off until January 2013 (so another full year off!), and if things are looking the way they seem to be looking, maybe even be off for all of 2013. And then hopefully things will continue to improve and maybe I can be off longer! I believe that in Ontario your workplace has to hold your job for you for 2 years, although obviously you don’t get mat leave for longer than the first year. Either way, it might give me more time to come up with something I can do (plus make it a bit more feasible to have a job on the side since he won’t require quite as much hands-on parenting all the time, plus he’ll hopefully be sleeping through the night and all) to make up the extra money without actually having to return to work until I’m ready. We’ll see how that goes, but I’m feeling super happy about that right now. I never really expected to enjoy being off as much as I do. I guess it helps that I’ve made friends and all, but I love him being my job and I love having a flexible schedule (or at least not having to be up early and driving to work) and I love going out and doing things with him and all. Not every moment is super fun, but overall it’s awesome.

Speaking of awesome, baby monitors are awesome! 😉 We didn’t get one and we didn’t really need one since (un)fortunately noise carries around this house in some areas so I can hear him easily downstairs when he’s upstairs, but I was reluctant to close his door because that blocks sound too much and I felt like I was going to miss him crying unless I was super quiet. So I decided that I wanted one and use a gift card I got from co-workers to buy one. Now I can close his door and not worry that noise or light from downstairs is going to bother him, but not worry that I’m going to miss him if he needs me. It’s also great when he naps so I can do the same thing, or get busy doing something and not have to stop every few minutes or every time I hear a noise. Also at night, I don’t like to go to sleep until I know he’s asleep (otherwise I’ll be awake being sure he’s going to cry at any second, even though he usually doesn’t), so now I can go to bed and read (I have to to turn my brain off again) and then when he’s obviously asleep and I’m tired again I can just go to sleep instead of having to keep getting up to listen at his door (which stays open when we go to bed because I can hear him better, so I don’t need the monitor on then since if I did I’d be awake at every sound he made, and he’s pretty noisy still).

(And as I’m cutting and pasting this here, I’m listening to him in his room blowing huge raspberries, which is one of his new things. He’s supposed to be sleeping)

why am I friends with this person?

Warning: A big rant about someone ahead!

There’s one person who comments on my other blog that I keep for my friends (pretty much the same content as this one right now, aside from this post) who really bugs me. We’ve always had our ups and downs, mostly from her judgemnetal attitude towards anyone else, but inability to let anything slide from anyone else. She feels free to put other people down and get mad and say all sorts of things, but if you happen to get mad at her and make one not-that-bad offhand comment, she won’t speak to you for a long time. Why do we remain friends? Honestly, I’m not really sure. We’ve been friends (online friends more than real life, though we’ve met a few times) since we were around 16, so a long time. Maybe that’s why. It’s not that I wish her badly and I do want to keep up with her… I just kind of prefer limited contact.

Anyway, so she comments on my other blog occasionally and likes to me tell me how anything I think is complete garbage, according to her. She told me that she couldn’t imagine having an unmedicated labour and delivery (which I did), that she couldn’t imagine going home only a few hours after giving birth (which I did), despite herself  having an epidural like five minutes after she went into labour and then a c-section so she really has no idea what either is actually like (and I’m not looking down on that… I just think you  lose your credibility if you’re giving advice to other people about something you’ve never experienced, especially if you’re talking like you’re an expert and the person you’re talking to has no idea), she’s the one who told me that there’s “absolutely no reason why husband can’t get up in the night to feed the baby” to give me a break despite never breastfeeding (she gave up after a day because it was too hard and she never really cared about doing it anyway, which again makes you not credible for giving me advice about that) and having no idea how pumping and keeping up your supply works. Oh, and having a husband who wouldn’t wake up if an elephant tapdanced on top of him so I’d have to be up to wake him up anyway. And really – if it were that easy, don’t you think I would have done that if I wanted to or could?

Anyway, so the most recent comment was in reaction to my saying about wanting to stay home and maybe being able to do it for the next few years with the way it’s looking, and that would maybe give me time to find something to do on the side since he’ll require less hands-on parenting and she snarkily (or at least that’s the way I read it; I’m not the only one of our mutual friends who also feels she comes across that way) said that she “had to laugh” and basically I was out to lunch thinking that he’d be easier, unless I’m talking about him being 10. She says you’re after them constantly because they’re into everything and climbing on things, etc. She says her almost 3 year old can’t be left alone for a minute unless he’s watching TV.

… okay, I don’t know how ill-behaved the children are in her world, but most 3 year olds I know have gotten over that for the most part, so she’s on crack with the 10 years figure. And how about having a safe place in the house where they can do what they want (within reason) so you don’t have to be so hypervigilant all the time? Not to ignore them, obviously, but so you don’t need to worry quite so much that they’re going to destroy the house or kill themselves if you have to pee? Not to mention in addition to having a safe place, to teach your kids to leave things alone and to listen if you tell them not to do something? Even 3 year olds that I don’t feel have a super high amount of discipline have better behaviour than how she makes hers sound. And not that I’m saying it’s easy and it definitely requires a lot of work to instill that good behaviour, but still.

Sometimes I wonder if she’s jealous or something. She’s always been into one-upping and trying to make herself feel better by looking for faults in others. She openly admits she likes to see people getting confused at her exercise classes because she can do every move now… even though she started off as one of the confused ones. I think most people would feel a sense of accomplishment with that… but actually gloating about it and using it as a reason to feel better about yourself and look down on others? Anyway, she’s always going on about how everyone has more money than she does (even if they don’t) and resents them for it even if they work hard for it, she feels that health problems in her family are a personal attack, etc. She got pregnant right away (so I’m sure she thinks she’s pretty awesome over me for that, probably thinks it’s about time my life isn’t perfect :P) but hated being pregnant, then hated how having a baby changed her life, hated being home with him (and in the US they only get 6 weeks off, not like it was a year). All this despite saying years ago that all she wanted to do was stay home and take care of her kids. Now granted things change – I always thought I wouldn’t want to stay home and now I’d do anything in order to.

My point being that maybe she’s jealous that I loved being pregnant despite the crappy stuff, I love being home with him, I just really love having him around. Or maybe it’s just the usual case of seeing things differently. When we got married, she was traditional and I wasn’t at all. Our whole attitudes are different. After writing this whole thing, I still have no idea why we’re still friends, except for old times’ sake. I know that if it weren’t for FB and our respective blogs, we would not have kept in touch. I just hate drama and I do want to know what’s up with her, but just with no actual contact 😛

Okay, rant over, I think. I’m debating on whether to bother replying to her comment or just ignore it. Last time I replied (to the breastfeeding one) and her answer was basically “oh, well, I know some BFing moms who did that and it worked for them. Maybe inthe future it’ll work” or something that implied maybe I’d come to my senses. Not likely, if it means agreeing with you! Ha!

19 weeks 0 days

Houston, we have a rollover!  (I’m so original, I know)

Yesterday, on New Year’s Eve, FrostedBaby rolled over for the first time. I put him down on his tummy as usual and instead of sticking his elbows out to the sides like he normally does, he tucked them in a bit more and then he rolled!

What’s funny is that I’d said to my husband that today would be the day, and when I put him down that time, I told him to do it. I wasn’t really expecting it then, but I knew he was getting really close.

I told everyone that today he’s going to be potty trained 😉

Then this morning I put him down and got him rolling on camera. He is so adorable, the noises he makes when he’s trying to coordinate everything and you know he’s trying really hard to figure it out. And then he grins after he rolls over and sees me and I’m cheering for him – I really need to find different ways to say how cute he is!

So he hasn’t been napping well for the past couple of weeks, and I’ve heard all about the four month sleep regression, as well as sleep disturbances when they’re about to hit milestones. After rolling over yesterday, he’s napped twice today really easily. Right now he’s been asleep for almost two hours. Is it because he finally figured out the rolling over and can now sleep? Is it because it’s dark and gray outside? Is he fighting another cold, since both mommy and daddy are sick? (although I think it’s the same one that he recovered from last week, just daddy still has it and I just got it). Stay tuned to find out!

How interesting is it that they do that? Is it because their brains are working overtime? It’s not like he’s too busy in his crib practicing or anything. Is he too busy thinking about what he wants to do? But then why not do it? Maybe they’re busy growing the right muscles or something. I’m just glad that naps were the problem and not sleeping at night. I’m wondering if he’ll start sleeping for longer at night again now that that’s all over. Interesting creatures, these babies.

Can I just say how glad I am that we started the bedtime routine? Not only does it save our sanity, but when we were both feeling really awful last night and were dying to go to bed, we saw he was looking tired early and did the routine and got him into bed and asleep for 7:30. And then we got to relax a bit and pretend to be cool and New Year’s Eve-y (by watching a couple episode of a TV show we’re watching on Netflix) and then we went to bed. If we’d been waiting for him to fall asleep on his own, we might have been up for a lot longer and it would have been really bad.