I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

32w3d

Less than 8 weeks left. 53 days, I think my ticker says. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around that. I keep trying to imagine us with a baby, finally, and I just can’t. I guess there are lots of things like that though. Overall, I just really can’t believe we are at this point. Finally. Suddenly.

We had our shower on the weekend, which was a lot of fun. I just couldn’t believe that we actually got to do it, have a baby shower and celebrate with our friends. Does that feeling ever go away? I guess maybe a while after the baby’s born when you’re used to it all and it’s easier to take it for granted? Or maybe it doesn’t. In any case, it was a good time and I hope not as painful as some showers are. We broke with tradition (a common theme for us, witness my red dress at our wedding, etc) and invited couples as well as single men who are friends who we wanted to celebrate with. Since so many of our friends, the husband is just as much the friend as the wife, it just made sense. We even had children there. I also didn’t want it to turn into an awkward thing where someone doesn’t know anyone, so bringing along a date was cool with me. And then our dads got to come as well, plus my brother. We’ve all waited a long time for this, it’s time to celebrate!

Got some nice stuff, including some great handmade stuff from my best friend and her mom, who is really excited and is living vicariously through my friend since none of her children are wanting or in the position to have kids right now. Got a few things off the registry but mostly not. That’s okay since we have so much stuff anyway. Going to have to start writing the thank you cards. I wish I’d taken a moment to try to express how grateful we are to be at this point and able to celebrate with them and all. I wrote a message to that effect on Facebook, but not everyone is on there to see. I’m pretty sure only those who have been through it can truly understand (including my friend who threw the shower for us), but I would hope that those who are close to us and have been through it all with us have an inkling.

I had an appointment with my midwife last week, I guess after I wrote my last post since I appear not to have talked about it then. Yeah, that would make sense. I wrote that on Monday and my appointment was on Tuesday.  I saw the student again, which I was a bit disappointed with. I’m not keen on the student (she’s not terribly warm or friendly) and I want to be seen by those who are going to be delivering my baby, not the student. At the beginning I didn’t care (plus I really did like that student, who I guess has now finished her placement), but now I want to be seen by someone who can give me the proper information and care. I know that students need to learn and I’m cool with that, but still. Student did her thing and felt that the baby was head down. She called the midwife in to check my fundus since she was measuring the same as two weeks before (MW measured properly), and then the MW asked her what position the baby was in and checked it too. MW says he’s head up still. You would think that the trained MW would be correct over the student.

So, while she said they’re not super concerned right then, if he hasn’t turned by the time I go for my next appointment (next week), they may want to order an ultrasound to check things out and to start doing things to encourage him to turn. I guess he runs out of room pretty quickly from here on out, so if he hasn’t turned by then he might not be able to because he won’t have the room. I’m not sure what I think — I feel most of the movement up top, which likely indicates his legs are up there… but I also get that hard round thing pressing up into my ribs, which feels like his head to me, though I suppose could be his bum. When he has hiccups, I usually feel them low down, or towards my belly button, but low. I have never felt them up high, which would also seem to indicate his head, unless he flails his legs around when he hiccups, but it feels more solid than that would probably feel though I’m just guessing.

It actually would not surprise me if he were still flipping, since he wiggles around a LOT and that day and the day before I was having a lot more hard kicks down low than I usually to and have had since. The night after the appointment, I felt like my stomach looked like a cartoon cat in a bag, going all crazy in all directions, so perhaps he flipped again? I haven’t had the downward stuff since then. So. Not sure what to think about that. I mentioned it to my chiro (she also asked about it) and if he hasn’t turned by next week she’s going to start trying some of the stuff she knows to do to encourage him to flip. And hopefully if there’s doubt they’ll send me for an u/s to take a look, something I would not be averse to anyway since I haven’t seen him since 18 weeks and wouldn’t mind a peek, even if it’s just to confirm that his head is not abnormally large and hopefully will fit out of me 😛

My main concern is that if he doesn’t flip by a certain date, they’ll want to schedule a c section. Of all possibly birth scenarios (barring ones where either me and/or the baby die, obviously), that is my absolute last choice of ways I want it to go. If I end up needing one in the end, that’s different. But having to go in for a scheduled c section and not getting to experience labour in at least some way, that really bothers me. And obviously I want whatever’s best and if he’s breech, that’s best, and I’ll deal with it if it comes to that. And if I were still trying, I’d be wanting to smack someone for worrying about that since I’d gladly sign up for my last choice of birth plans in exchange for all this, I know that and I agree…. but at the same time, understand this: this may be the only time I get to do this and I want to experience it all, given a choice. Maybe I’m crazy and I’ll change my mind at some point, but if this is the only time, I just want to know what it’s all like in case I never get to find out.

Chances are anyway, he’ll turn. Apparently a lot of babies end up turning even after they schedule the section and you’re allowed to do it yourself anyway. That’s what I’m hoping for, if he doesn’t do it before. I just can’t imagine knowing exactly when you’re going to deliver and driving to the hospital for that. I much prefer the idea of doing it all the way it’s intended to be. But whatever will be will be and as long as I end up with a healthy baby at the end, that’s fine with me in the long run. But I can still hope for a regular labour and delivery!

Movements have gotten even less kicky and much more squirmy. I often feel like he’s going to push so hard out the front top of my belly that it’s going to split and he’s going to come out that way. Sometimes it’s… not painful, but very uncomfortable. My Braxton Hicks have gotten stronger and yesterday I had one that lasted like three minutes, which was a lot of fun, especially since it was at the end of my drive just when I got home, so I had to get out of the car and walk around with my whole belly feeling like cement. I usually get them in the afternoons, after 3:00 (not sure if that’s the only time they happen or if it’s just that I’m less distracted since my clients have gone home so I notice them more) and almost always when I’m walking around, which makes walking hard.

People all comment on how “huge” I am now, which is silly since I’m still on the small to average size. I think it’s because I managed to not show hardly at all for a really long time and now it’s like I’ve suddenly gotten big. Plus I have small boobs, so now that the belly is definitely surpassing the boobs (not really an accomplisment, sadly), maybe it looks big compared to that. Here’s a hint to all those reading this (all two of you :P), never comment on a pregnant woman’s size, just tell her she’s looking great. Chances are she knows exactly how big or small she is and any comment about either just reveals your ignorance about what pregnant people look like, and if she’s feeling insecure about her size (which I luckily do not, or at least not most of the time, but I know many people who do/did), it just serves to upset her. So yeah, only comments about how awesome she looks.

I still haven’t gained very much weight. They’re saying I should be gaining a pound a week, which is about what they’ve been saying the whole time, I think, except they keep saying it like it’s something new. In any case, I haven’t been. To date, I’ve only gained about 18 pounds total. That’s from what I weighed before I got pregnant, not including the weight I lost at the beginning and then put back on. My chiro, who was all upset at me at the beginning is now telling me what a great job I’m doing not packing the pounds on and how I’m right on track. Well, I was before too! It’s not like I ever stopped gaining or lost much (aside from the beginning and the usual fluctuations), it just didn’t all jump on all at once. I’m still very much all baby and I don’t think I’ve gained much anywhere else, if at all. My rings are still loose, my watch which was on the tight-ish side to begin with (it has an annoying band where with an extra link in it’s too loose, but with it taken out it’s a bit snug) is still fine, etc. My face isn’t swollen.

I have finally gotten a couple of small stretch marks around my belly button. It’s just been them for the past few weeks and none others so I’m not sure what that really means. Not sure if I’ll wake up and suddenly have a bunch, or what. Not a big deal, since I’m not a bikini wearer anyway and don’t show off my belly too much, plus I’ll gladly take the stretch marks over not having kids, but it’s still a bit of a psychological adjustment. Kind of like how you know the weight gain is a good thing, but you still cringe as the numbers go up on the scale. I don’t *really* care about the stretch marks, but it’s still something I’m not nuts about. Oh well. I already had a lot on my hips and boobs and stuff from puberty, so not like I’m suddenly marring my perfect skin. I am putting on lotion to see if I can help prevent a whole bunch more though 😛 I know they say there’s not much you can do, if you’re going to get them you’ll get them regardless, but I have to feel like I’m trying to do something.

Energy-wise I’m actually feeling a lot less tired lately since being back in my regular program at work and enjoying my job again. I think I feel like I have more energy than I did during the second trimester for the most part, but again that was a lot of psychological fatigue over physical fatigue. I’m feeling pretty good overall, some aches and pains and stuff, but for the most part it’s minor and goes away after a little while, nothing has been long term or constant, which I’m glad for, especially since I’m still hoping/planning to work for another 6 weeks or so. Not the end of the world if I end up having to go off earlier (and sometimes I think I might have to if I’m having a particularly rough day in the discomfort department), but it’d be a lot harder leaving my group of clients than it would have been if I were still in the other program. I’ll take the hard goodbyes over the daily mental stress though, thanks. Plus, once my replacement starts next week my job will suddenly become really easy so even if I’m not feeling 100% there won’t be as much that I’ll have to do in not too long. I’m really hoping to hang on until the end though, especially if he doesn’t end up coming until my due date or after. While I do want those two weeks off, especially if at that point I’m very uncomfortable, I think I might end up being really bored if I have too much longer than that off. Especially if I’m feeling bad and I’m not able to get around easily and all that.

I am heading off to bed. Reading a good book and while I said I’m feeling more energetic and less tired lately, I actually am fairly tired today. Tomorrow is the last day of work before the long weekend. We have no definite plans except for a BBQ on Friday, so I am really looking forward to it. We haven’t had couple days in a row with nothing to do since April, and I intend to keep it that way and enjoy it. Maybe we can spend some time together, maybe go see a movie if I can stand the theatre seats long enough! Our time for doing that draws to a close pretty soon for a while. Not that I’m complaining, but I want to take advantage while we still can!

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