I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


Baby has been wiggling around in very painful ways today. I’m sort of achey down low to begin with (round ligaments, I’m guessing?) and he’s been doing these movements down there that are not fun. Sometimes it feels like he’s grabbing handfuls of my uterus and he has very sharp nails, so there’s this sharp stabby feeling there. At least my back hasn’t felt too bad today — on Saturday, for our second and last prenatal class it was really uncomfortable pretty much the whole day, which was a problem since although we’re allowed to move around for comfort during the class, the space is small and what I really wanted to do was get into bed with Snoogle.

The last class wasn’t as good as the first, I didn’t think, but I think that was mostly because a lot of it was stuff that we had more of an idea about and also a lot more of the “you’ll figure this out as you go along” type stuff. Not that labour isn’t, but it’s much more of an unknown. Closest thing I’ve ever had to labour was probably my miscarriage cramps (and I wonder what stage of labour would most closely relate to that type of cramp — I definitely wouldn’t be able to walk or talk during those, so it would at least be active labour but do contractions just get closer together after that, or do they also get stronger once active labour starts?). Closest thing I’ve had to changing a baby was changing a baby. We did do a review of labour and some other stuff that was useful, as well as discussing breastfeeding and that sort of thing, but overall it was less useful as a preparation thing because I feel more knowledgeable about the stuff that comes after. Yes, it’s more overwhelming and all, but I do have some basis of knowledge.

One thing we did take away from the class was our dilemma about when to call and see people. Basically, we’ll probably want the first couple of hours after the baby is born to figure out breastfeeding and do skin to skin and that sort of thing, spend some time together and regain strength, etc. By that point we’ll have some idea if we’re going home right away or if we’ll stay overnight. At that point we can decide whether to get people to come to the hospital or come to the house. And I guess I’ll ask ahead of time whether people mind making the hour plus trip just to the hospital if we might not be wanting them to come over yet. I think it might be a game-time decision since we have no idea how we’ll be feeling.

The one thing I’m not sure is whether I might want my mom around, to help relieve my husband if he gets tired or needs a break, and just to have her there. Emotionally, I would love to have her there, but she also has some physical health issues (bad back and things like that) that could make waiting around the waiting room or doing any real physical helping a challenge and I don’t want to have to be worrying about her when I’m in labour, if I’d even be capable of doing that. I certainly don’t want her overextending herself and then paying for it later. So that’s still a bit up in the air — maybe it’ll be a case of phoning her from time to time for moral support more than anything. And if I do end up really wanting her there, she can be there in an hour or so. At least with technology we can keep families updated as things are happening so they’re not agonizing at home not knowing what’s going on. Definitely need to have some discussions with people about what they’d like and what we’d like.

Getting stuff ready and planned for the shower on Saturday. I honestly cannot believe I’m getting ready for a baby shower. I never thought this would actually happen for us. It just continues to amaze me that we’re here finally and we’ve made it this far. It chokes me up when it really hits me that this is real and is actually going to happen. (and here I still add in my head, “if I make it that far”, it’s still really hard to take things for granted).

I was planning out the training of my replacement at work and doing that made me realize how little time I really have left. Day to day, it seems like a long time (7 weeks), but when you’re planning it week by week and looking at them in a different way, it’s really short! Today is the 20th of June and I’m due the 20th of August, so I have two months left, and a month and a half left of work. Though it’s two months and a week if you’re counting by four weeks a month.

I think the thing that really blows my mind is that we spent so much time trying to get pregnant, it’s really hard to believe that it’s almost over. While I’m happy about that because that means we get to move on from that (and while I do want another one, I don’t know whether having trouble with a second one is quite the scary and intense thing that waiting for your first is… at least I know I will not be childless for my whole life) and get on with the whole having a kid thing, as scary as that is in some ways, I’m also a bit sad about it because I know that a second pregnancy (if we are so lucky) will be totally different and it’s sort of like closing a chapter in my life. That and we’ve managed to put the whole TTC thing on hold for the pregnancy and I guess it means that we might have to open ourselves up to that again (again, unless we are “lucky” enough to have an oops and get pregnant right away before we’re really trying to…. though if that’s completely out of the question we will be protecting, I just don’t see the point in waiting for a really long time and protecting like crazy with our track record) and that is not something I am looking forward to. I’ve also really enjoyed being pregnant so it’s a bit sad that it might be over soon… though hopefully by that point I’ll be quite happy about that fact, at least physically.

Yeah, so some mixed feelings about the end drawing near, though I guess that’s probably normal, even if you haven’t experienced IF and have that lurking on the horizon as possibly something to look forward to in the future. One of the girls in the prenatal class asked a question about planning #2 to be close to #1, if you could get pregnant while breastfeeding and if you can breastfeed one while being pregnant for the second, etc. Must be nice to be able to plan that way. I feel like I can’t plan anything about a second, I feel like we should just throw caution to the wind and not bother about protection (can’t wait for that discussion with my midwife/doctor afterwards!) and take whatever comes since we just have no idea. At the same time, I’m a bit afraid to end up pregnant right away (and since this was natural and we are definitely not going for any interventions, that’ll be the way it’ll have to go and it is actually a possibility) before we’re really ready just because we can’t imagine it actually happening again so fast. Hard to pick the brains of those in my due date group about how they’re feeling about that since I think most of them have said they’re definitely not having any others, though they also got pregnant through IVF so for them it would mean more money, plus a lot of them have twins anyway. I don’t think I’d be thinking about getting pregnant again if I had twins either. Or definitely not in the “yes, that is in the plan” kind of way that I am now.

Funny how having IF and then getting pregnant naturally almost makes the whole thing harder after because at least if I knew that IVF was my only option, it might make the decision that much more clear, particularly as far as birth control and all that goes.




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