I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for June, 2011

32w3d

Less than 8 weeks left. 53 days, I think my ticker says. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around that. I keep trying to imagine us with a baby, finally, and I just can’t. I guess there are lots of things like that though. Overall, I just really can’t believe we are at this point. Finally. Suddenly.

We had our shower on the weekend, which was a lot of fun. I just couldn’t believe that we actually got to do it, have a baby shower and celebrate with our friends. Does that feeling ever go away? I guess maybe a while after the baby’s born when you’re used to it all and it’s easier to take it for granted? Or maybe it doesn’t. In any case, it was a good time and I hope not as painful as some showers are. We broke with tradition (a common theme for us, witness my red dress at our wedding, etc) and invited couples as well as single men who are friends who we wanted to celebrate with. Since so many of our friends, the husband is just as much the friend as the wife, it just made sense. We even had children there. I also didn’t want it to turn into an awkward thing where someone doesn’t know anyone, so bringing along a date was cool with me. And then our dads got to come as well, plus my brother. We’ve all waited a long time for this, it’s time to celebrate!

Got some nice stuff, including some great handmade stuff from my best friend and her mom, who is really excited and is living vicariously through my friend since none of her children are wanting or in the position to have kids right now. Got a few things off the registry but mostly not. That’s okay since we have so much stuff anyway. Going to have to start writing the thank you cards. I wish I’d taken a moment to try to express how grateful we are to be at this point and able to celebrate with them and all. I wrote a message to that effect on Facebook, but not everyone is on there to see. I’m pretty sure only those who have been through it can truly understand (including my friend who threw the shower for us), but I would hope that those who are close to us and have been through it all with us have an inkling.

I had an appointment with my midwife last week, I guess after I wrote my last post since I appear not to have talked about it then. Yeah, that would make sense. I wrote that on Monday and my appointment was on Tuesday.ย  I saw the student again, which I was a bit disappointed with. I’m not keen on the student (she’s not terribly warm or friendly) and I want to be seen by those who are going to be delivering my baby, not the student. At the beginning I didn’t care (plus I really did like that student, who I guess has now finished her placement), but now I want to be seen by someone who can give me the proper information and care. I know that students need to learn and I’m cool with that, but still. Student did her thing and felt that the baby was head down. She called the midwife in to check my fundus since she was measuring the same as two weeks before (MW measured properly), and then the MW asked her what position the baby was in and checked it too. MW says he’s head up still. You would think that the trained MW would be correct over the student.

So, while she said they’re not super concerned right then, if he hasn’t turned by the time I go for my next appointment (next week), they may want to order an ultrasound to check things out and to start doing things to encourage him to turn. I guess he runs out of room pretty quickly from here on out, so if he hasn’t turned by then he might not be able to because he won’t have the room. I’m not sure what I think — I feel most of the movement up top, which likely indicates his legs are up there… but I also get that hard round thing pressing up into my ribs, which feels like his head to me, though I suppose could be his bum. When he has hiccups, I usually feel them low down, or towards my belly button, but low. I have never felt them up high, which would also seem to indicate his head, unless he flails his legs around when he hiccups, but it feels more solid than that would probably feel though I’m just guessing.

It actually would not surprise me if he were still flipping, since he wiggles around a LOT and that day and the day before I was having a lot more hard kicks down low than I usually to and have had since. The night after the appointment, I felt like my stomach looked like a cartoon cat in a bag, going all crazy in all directions, so perhaps he flipped again? I haven’t had the downward stuff since then. So. Not sure what to think about that. I mentioned it to my chiro (she also asked about it) and if he hasn’t turned by next week she’s going to start trying some of the stuff she knows to do to encourage him to flip. And hopefully if there’s doubt they’ll send me for an u/s to take a look, something I would not be averse to anyway since I haven’t seen him since 18 weeks and wouldn’t mind a peek, even if it’s just to confirm that his head is not abnormally large and hopefully will fit out of me ๐Ÿ˜›

My main concern is that if he doesn’t flip by a certain date, they’ll want to schedule a c section. Of all possibly birth scenarios (barring ones where either me and/or the baby die, obviously), that is my absolute last choice of ways I want it to go. If I end up needing one in the end, that’s different. But having to go in for a scheduled c section and not getting to experience labour in at least some way, that really bothers me. And obviously I want whatever’s best and if he’s breech, that’s best, and I’ll deal with it if it comes to that. And if I were still trying, I’d be wanting to smack someone for worrying about that since I’d gladly sign up for my last choice of birth plans in exchange for all this, I know that and I agree…. but at the same time, understand this: this may be the only time I get to do this and I want to experience it all, given a choice. Maybe I’m crazy and I’ll change my mind at some point, but if this is the only time, I just want to know what it’s all like in case I never get to find out.

Chances are anyway, he’ll turn. Apparently a lot of babies end up turning even after they schedule the section and you’re allowed to do it yourself anyway. That’s what I’m hoping for, if he doesn’t do it before. I just can’t imagine knowing exactly when you’re going to deliver and driving to the hospital for that. I much prefer the idea of doing it all the way it’s intended to be. But whatever will be will be and as long as I end up with a healthy baby at the end, that’s fine with me in the long run. But I can still hope for a regular labour and delivery!

Movements have gotten even less kicky and much more squirmy. I often feel like he’s going to push so hard out the front top of my belly that it’s going to split and he’s going to come out that way. Sometimes it’s… not painful, but very uncomfortable. My Braxton Hicks have gotten stronger and yesterday I had one that lasted like three minutes, which was a lot of fun, especially since it was at the end of my drive just when I got home, so I had to get out of the car and walk around with my whole belly feeling like cement. I usually get them in the afternoons, after 3:00 (not sure if that’s the only time they happen or if it’s just that I’m less distracted since my clients have gone home so I notice them more) and almost always when I’m walking around, which makes walking hard.

People all comment on how “huge” I am now, which is silly since I’m still on the small to average size. I think it’s because I managed to not show hardly at all for a really long time and now it’s like I’ve suddenly gotten big. Plus I have small boobs, so now that the belly is definitely surpassing the boobs (not really an accomplisment, sadly), maybe it looks big compared to that. Here’s a hint to all those reading this (all two of you :P), never comment on a pregnant woman’s size, just tell her she’s looking great. Chances are she knows exactly how big or small she is and any comment about either just reveals your ignorance about what pregnant people look like, and if she’s feeling insecure about her size (which I luckily do not, or at least not most of the time, but I know many people who do/did), it just serves to upset her. So yeah, only comments about how awesome she looks.

I still haven’t gained very much weight. They’re saying I should be gaining a pound a week, which is about what they’ve been saying the whole time, I think, except they keep saying it like it’s something new. In any case, I haven’t been. To date, I’ve only gained about 18 pounds total. That’s from what I weighed before I got pregnant, not including the weight I lost at the beginning and then put back on. My chiro, who was all upset at me at the beginning is now telling me what a great job I’m doing not packing the pounds on and how I’m right on track. Well, I was before too! It’s not like I ever stopped gaining or lost much (aside from the beginning and the usual fluctuations), it just didn’t all jump on all at once. I’m still very much all baby and I don’t think I’ve gained much anywhere else, if at all. My rings are still loose, my watch which was on the tight-ish side to begin with (it has an annoying band where with an extra link in it’s too loose, but with it taken out it’s a bit snug) is still fine, etc. My face isn’t swollen.

I have finally gotten a couple of small stretch marks around my belly button. It’s just been them for the past few weeks and none others so I’m not sure what that really means. Not sure if I’ll wake up and suddenly have a bunch, or what. Not a big deal, since I’m not a bikini wearer anyway and don’t show off my belly too much, plus I’ll gladly take the stretch marks over not having kids, but it’s still a bit of a psychological adjustment. Kind of like how you know the weight gain is a good thing, but you still cringe as the numbers go up on the scale. I don’t *really* care about the stretch marks, but it’s still something I’m not nuts about. Oh well. I already had a lot on my hips and boobs and stuff from puberty, so not like I’m suddenly marring my perfect skin. I am putting on lotion to see if I can help prevent a whole bunch more though ๐Ÿ˜› I know they say there’s not much you can do, if you’re going to get them you’ll get them regardless, but I have to feel like I’m trying to do something.

Energy-wise I’m actually feeling a lot less tired lately since being back in my regular program at work and enjoying my job again. I think I feel like I have more energy than I did during the second trimester for the most part, but again that was a lot of psychological fatigue over physical fatigue. I’m feeling pretty good overall, some aches and pains and stuff, but for the most part it’s minor and goes away after a little while, nothing has been long term or constant, which I’m glad for, especially since I’m still hoping/planning to work for another 6 weeks or so. Not the end of the world if I end up having to go off earlier (and sometimes I think I might have to if I’m having a particularly rough day in the discomfort department), but it’d be a lot harder leaving my group of clients than it would have been if I were still in the other program. I’ll take the hard goodbyes over the daily mental stress though, thanks. Plus, once my replacement starts next week my job will suddenly become really easy so even if I’m not feeling 100% there won’t be as much that I’ll have to do in not too long. I’m really hoping to hang on until the end though, especially if he doesn’t end up coming until my due date or after. While I do want those two weeks off, especially if at that point I’m very uncomfortable, I think I might end up being really bored if I have too much longer than that off. Especially if I’m feeling bad and I’m not able to get around easily and all that.

I am heading off to bed. Reading a good book and while I said I’m feeling more energetic and less tired lately, I actually am fairly tired today. Tomorrow is the last day of work before the long weekend. We have no definite plans except for a BBQ on Friday, so I am really looking forward to it. We haven’t had couple days in a row with nothing to do since April, and I intend to keep it that way and enjoy it. Maybe we can spend some time together, maybe go see a movie if I can stand the theatre seats long enough! Our time for doing that draws to a close pretty soon for a while. Not that I’m complaining, but I want to take advantage while we still can!

31w1d

Baby has been wiggling around in very painful ways today. I’m sort of achey down low to begin with (round ligaments, I’m guessing?) and he’s been doing these movements down there that are not fun. Sometimes it feels like he’s grabbing handfuls of my uterus and he has very sharp nails, so there’s this sharp stabby feeling there. At least my back hasn’t felt too bad today — on Saturday, for our second and last prenatal class it was really uncomfortable pretty much the whole day, which was a problem since although we’re allowed to move around for comfort during the class, the space is small and what I really wanted to do was get into bed with Snoogle.

The last class wasn’t as good as the first, I didn’t think, but I think that was mostly because a lot of it was stuff that we had more of an idea about and also a lot more of the “you’ll figure this out as you go along” type stuff. Not that labour isn’t, but it’s much more of an unknown. Closest thing I’ve ever had to labour was probably my miscarriage cramps (and I wonder what stage of labour would most closely relate to that type of cramp — I definitely wouldn’t be able to walk or talk during those, so it would at least be active labour but do contractions just get closer together after that, or do they also get stronger once active labour starts?). Closest thing I’ve had to changing a baby was changing a baby. We did do a review of labour and some other stuff that was useful, as well as discussing breastfeeding and that sort of thing, but overall it was less useful as a preparation thing because I feel more knowledgeable about the stuff that comes after. Yes, it’s more overwhelming and all, but I do have some basis of knowledge.

One thing we did take away from the class was our dilemma about when to call and see people. Basically, we’ll probably want the first couple of hours after the baby is born to figure out breastfeeding and do skin to skin and that sort of thing, spend some time together and regain strength, etc. By that point we’ll have some idea if we’re going home right away or if we’ll stay overnight. At that point we can decide whether to get people to come to the hospital or come to the house. And I guess I’ll ask ahead of time whether people mind making the hour plus trip just to the hospital if we might not be wanting them to come over yet. I think it might be a game-time decision since we have no idea how we’ll be feeling.

The one thing I’m not sure is whether I might want my mom around, to help relieve my husband if he gets tired or needs a break, and just to have her there. Emotionally, I would love to have her there, but she also has some physical health issues (bad back and things like that) that could make waiting around the waiting room or doing any real physical helping a challenge and I don’t want to have to be worrying about her when I’m in labour, if I’d even be capable of doing that. I certainly don’t want her overextending herself and then paying for it later. So that’s still a bit up in the air — maybe it’ll be a case of phoning her from time to time for moral support more than anything. And if I do end up really wanting her there, she can be there in an hour or so. At least with technology we can keep families updated as things are happening so they’re not agonizing at home not knowing what’s going on. Definitely need to have some discussions with people about what they’d like and what we’d like.

Getting stuff ready and planned for the shower on Saturday. I honestly cannot believe I’m getting ready for a baby shower. I never thought this would actually happen for us. It just continues to amaze me that we’re here finally and we’ve made it this far. It chokes me up when it really hits me that this is real and is actually going to happen. (and here I still add in my head, “if I make it that far”, it’s still really hard to take things for granted).

I was planning out the training of my replacement at work and doing that made me realize how little time I really have left. Day to day, it seems like a long time (7 weeks), but when you’re planning it week by week and looking at them in a different way, it’s really short! Today is the 20th of June and I’m due the 20th of August, so I have two months left, and a month and a half left of work. Though it’s two months and a week if you’re counting by four weeks a month.

I think the thing that really blows my mind is that we spent so much time trying to get pregnant, it’s really hard to believe that it’s almost over. While I’m happy about that because that means we get to move on from that (and while I do want another one, I don’t know whether having trouble with a second one is quite the scary and intense thing that waiting for your first is… at least I know I will not be childless for my whole life) and get on with the whole having a kid thing, as scary as that is in some ways, I’m also a bit sad about it because I know that a second pregnancy (if we are so lucky) will be totally different and it’s sort of like closing a chapter in my life. That and we’ve managed to put the whole TTC thing on hold for the pregnancy and I guess it means that we might have to open ourselves up to that again (again, unless we are “lucky” enough to have an oops and get pregnant right away before we’re really trying to…. though if that’s completely out of the question we will be protecting, I just don’t see the point in waiting for a really long time and protecting like crazy with our track record) and that is not something I am looking forward to. I’ve also really enjoyed being pregnant so it’s a bit sad that it might be over soon… though hopefully by that point I’ll be quite happy about that fact, at least physically.

Yeah, so some mixed feelings about the end drawing near, though I guess that’s probably normal, even if you haven’t experienced IF and have that lurking on the horizon as possibly something to look forward to in the future. One of the girls in the prenatal class asked a question about planning #2 to be close to #1, if you could get pregnant while breastfeeding and if you can breastfeed one while being pregnant for the second, etc. Must be nice to be able to plan that way. I feel like I can’t plan anything about a second, I feel like we should just throw caution to the wind and not bother about protection (can’t wait for that discussion with my midwife/doctor afterwards!) and take whatever comes since we just have no idea. At the same time, I’m a bit afraid to end up pregnant right away (and since this was natural and we are definitely not going for any interventions, that’ll be the way it’ll have to go and it is actually a possibility) before we’re really ready just because we can’t imagine it actually happening again so fast. Hard to pick the brains of those in my due date group about how they’re feeling about that since I think most of them have said they’re definitely not having any others, though they also got pregnant through IVF so for them it would mean more money, plus a lot of them have twins anyway. I don’t think I’d be thinking about getting pregnant again if I had twins either. Or definitely not in the “yes, that is in the plan” kind of way that I am now.

Funny how having IF and then getting pregnant naturally almost makes the whole thing harder after because at least if I knew that IVF was my only option, it might make the decision that much more clear, particularly as far as birth control and all that goes.

 

 

30w3d

I can’t believe I haven’t updated in over two weeks. I have no idea where the time has gone. Although I’ve been quiet a lot online for the past few weeks, not really sure why. Part of it is that WordPress runs really slowly on my computer for some reason and when I try to update, it spends a lot of time thinking and spinning the colour wheel thing, especially if I’m trying to read my last few entries to remind myself of what I said.

Baby continues to be very active. He keeps shoving himself up under the right side of my rib cage and I keep getting these sharp kicks. I’m not sure if it’s him who’s sharp (an elbow? a knee? the back of a foot?) or if it’s just catching the edge of my ribs or something, but it’s definitely a sharp feeling. I get a lot of sliding movement now as he’s rolling over, and lately my whole stomach will change shape and then go nuts as he’s adjusting position, which is really neat. Trying to get it on video, but as usual as soon as the camera comes out, he stays really still. Still not really identifying definite body parts, but much more able to figure out where he is and lots of all-over movement on my belly. Sometimes one side will cave in while the other side pops out.

My shower is in two weeks (or rather, two Saturdays from now, it’s less than two weeks since it’s now Wednesday) and I’m getting excited because at least two of my friends who I haven’t seen in forever are coming, plus potentially two others. They’re all very busy and coming from long distances away, so I wasn’t sure if they would be able to make it but it actually works out for all of them and I’m so thrilled. I just want my friends and an ice cream cake and I’m good ๐Ÿ˜‰

We started our prenatal classes last Saturday and have the last one this Saturday (I think I said before, we opted for the two six hour Saturdays instead of the 6 2 hour Wednesdays, which actually I’m glad about since if you do the latter you spend the first three weeks on labour and I’m much better at processing the lots of information whole picture over the small bits and pieces with space in between format), and so far we are quite happy with them. I had heard from a lot of people that they were disappointed in their classes because they didn’t learn much, but even if the first class was the only one I think I’m happy with it. We both feel more prepared for what to expect from labour and in particular we have a better idea of what his role will be. She really emphasized the things the husband can be doing and encourages them to be proactive and assertive once real labour starts, making decisions and suggestions and stuff since I might not be able to think so clearly by that point. So when I’m freaking out because I can’t find a good position to labour in, he should be suggesting ones that we learned and coming up with ideas and encouraging and all that, not just going, “I don’t know either!” And I guess that sounds like a lot of pressure in some ways, but if he knows that, we can prepare a list of positions to try ahead of time so he can look at that for things to suggest and that sort of thing. I feel much more confident knowing that he’ll know what to do and I think he’ll be good at that, since he knows me well and knows what positions I tend to like and what has helped my back feel better while I’m pregnant, that sort of thing.

Looking forward to next week when we’ll talk about what happens after delivery (cord blood and eye drops and apgar scores and all that) and breastfeeding and ย then (gulp) how to take care of the baby once he’s home.

We’re trying to decide how to work the whole visiting-the-new-baby thing, whether to get people to come to the hospital and/or come home with us after (with a midwife, if all goes well and you want to go, you can go home after a couple of hours, which sounds great to me!) or whether that might be too overwhelming. Also to figure out who is going to stay over for a bit to help and when, since I don’t want everyone at once, but the only person I definitely want to stay is my mom (and my dad). I can see them being helpful without taking over being overly judgemental or anything like that, they would help when it’s needed but not get in the way, where I’m not so sure if my MIL would be the same way. She might be really helpful and take a back seat, but she could also be disapproving and not be very helpful, I’m not sure. I just know that I don’t have the same relationship with her as with my own mom (and neither does my husband) and I’m just not sure what she’s hoping or expecting to do either. I do know that I don’t want her there right away, so that I can figure out a bit what I’m doing before she comes, so we are more sure of ourselves and if she is disapproving then we’re less sensitive to it. I particularly think she might be critical of my husband and how he does things and I don’t want his self confidence to be undermined by her, whether intentional or not. I know he already has some lack of confidence in his abilities, so I want him to feel sure of himself.