I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


28 weeks.  7 months. 3rd trimester. Wow.

My brain still seems to be caught in a timewarp where I keep forgetting I’m as far along as I am. On the online forum I read the other due date groups (a few months ahead, a few months behind) and I was reading the group due in October this morning and I couldn’t believe that some of them are 20 weeks along. I know it’s only two months behind where I am, but I still feel like I’m somewhere around that stage, and it’s a bit of a shock to realize I’m actually well beyond that. I guess it’s like how you still feel like the same person you were when you were 20 inside, so it shocks you to realize you’re actually 30! Or maybe I’m just really slow for some reason.

Baby’s been very active this week. I slept at my parents’ house the night before last since I was picking my husband up from the airport in the morning and they’re a lot closer to the airport. My mom was getting ready for bed around the time that he’s usually the most predictably active, so I went and laid down with her and he actually performed! He was bopping around a lot, which she could both see and feel, and then he wasn’t kicking as much as he was just moving around so my stomach was changing shape (and at one point my belly button went from being a very shallow innie to being totally flat to poking out a tiny bit as we watched. Pretty neat! Still can’t really identify body parts, although at one point there was definitely something fairly large and long pressed against the top of my belly, so we thought that must be his back since usually it’s smaller and more localized (so must be his head or his bum). My mom suggested it was his head, and then he promptly disappeared. Apparently he’s sensitive about that 😉 I know I’ve been able to tell where he is for the last little while, but not that distinctly or noticed him moving as much, though I also haven’t spent a lot of time laying down and specifically feeling for him like we were.

I often feel little movements down low in my belly and it’s not specific kicking, it’s more like wiggling or…. I have no idea how to describe it. I wonder if he’s transverse a lot and his arms and legs dangle that way so he’s like waving them around or something? I don’t know, but you can feel it on the outside too. I really wish I had a magic camera that could see through to see what was going on. For a while I would have described it as feeling like I was popping popcorn in there, but that’s not the way it felt this morning. I often feel that when I’m sitting or laying down, and often it’s a precursor to the larger movements and the kicks that I can see on the outside too.

I’m taking reassurance from him being so wiggly since a friend of mine, who was a few weeks ahead of me (not sure exactly how long ahead) gave me the news yesterday that she lost hers this week. I had RSVPed for her shower and then her mom wrote back and said that it was cancelled but didn’t provide any details. Naturally I was hoping that it wasn’t anything to do with the health of the baby, but then my friend emailed me and said she went for an ultrasound (not sure if it was routine or if they suspected a problem) and they couldn’t detect a heartbeat and she had to be induced and deliver a stillborn. Needless to say, that’s pretty upsetting news anyway but being so near to her in gestation it really hits home. You hear of things like that happening, but it’s so much worse when it’s someone you know. She says they don’t know why, but I hope they’ll be able to get some answers. If I lose this baby, it’s over for me. I’m done with the trying to have a baby thing. And then having to go through labour to deliver the baby and all… wow. 😦

I don’t believe that they had trouble conceiving since they weren’t married that long before, so at least when/if they want to try again, they don’t have to factor IF into the whole equation, but wow. When you’ve had a loss, you sort of mark the time of the loss as a magic point and afterwards you feel you can breathe just a little bit easier. I cannot imagine that magic marker being so late into the pregnancy. How could you ever relax and enjoy it? How could you plan ahead?

I wrote to my friend who is organizing my shower and asked her to pull this friend’s invitation if she hadn’t sent them yet, and if she had to let me know what to warn them to look for so they wouldn’t open it unless they were ready to. I’d love to do something to help, but I also am acutely aware that I’m probably the last person she wants to be around. On the other hand, I can totally understand her feelings in some ways, not specific to that sort of loss, but to how it feels to be around people who have what you want and can’t seem to get and the worry of it never working out ever and all that sort of thing.

It just seems so unfair that great parents have so much trouble and yet crack moms pop out babies all over the place with no issues.

Yesterday was a pretty blah day for me for a good part of it after that news. My baby was being particularly active all day, which was both reassuring and terrifying in the thought that hers probably felt similar not too long ago 😦  I know the worry is all part of it and a big part of being a parent and it probably only gets worse when the baby is real and in your arms and then all sorts of things can happen.

And on that positive note, I’m dying for some lunch and I also need to move because I’m really uncomfortable this morning.



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