I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


I’ve been quite fortunate so far that back pain that I’ve had during this pregnancy has generally been kept under control by sleeping on my Snoogle pillow. When I had it at 12 weeks and then started using Snoogle, it disappeared completely except for those odd times when I’d lay funny without it, but a few minutes with it laying properly and I’d be back to normal. I’ve noticed an increase in my discomfort in my back over the past few weeks, mostly when I wasn’t being supported properly in my lower back, but then I would sit in a good chair or change my position and I’d be feeling better.

Yesterday and today that has changed and even those chairs that I was previously okay on (like my couch), I’ve been having back issues with. I keep having to change positions and even when I find one that feels comfortable, about two minutes later it’s hurting again. One of the big problems is that sometimes I can’t find a position that’s comfortable at all, and if the discomfort (I still hesitate to call it pain, it’s more like a tiredness and discomfort, not an actual pain) continues for a while, I start to feel lightheaded and crappy all over. I don’t know if that means baby is sitting in a bad position (on a nerve? on a major blood vessel?) or something, but moving around doesn’t seem to shift him out of that position. Right now the only reliable thing that helps is going to lay down in my bed with Snoogle. Which, while it works instantly (seriously, Snoogle is a miracle), is not a great solution, and not exactly an option if I’m out somewhere or at work. I’m mostly concerned about the feeling overall bad and the lightheaded feeling since I can’t exactly just randomly go and lay down while I’m working. There is a couch (though it’s usually covered with stuff) but I can’t exactly leave clients, especially on our crazy busy days, and go lay down. Plus if Snoogle is the secret, I don’t have one at work.

While I am often fantasizing these days about having to go off work, I don’t want to do it out of this kind of discomfort, and I don’t want to be stuck in bed for 3-4 months because that’s the only way I can be comfortable. Though is that preferable to prescribed bedrest where you feel fine? I’m not sure. I guess either way it sucks not to do what you want/need to do.

Yesterday my whole family came over, which was really nice since we haven’t all seen each other since Christmas and we’ve been trying to plan something for the last two months but my mom has been sick pretty much that whole time with some weird lingering thing that left her really tired and hoarse so not up to company (especially since we really get yakking when we’re together). It was really nice to see everyone, although baby did not cooperate and barely moved the entire time they were over, except for small movements that you couldn’t really see on the outside. And when no one was looking, he’d do one random poke that I would see/feel but no one else would. I’m going to start calling him Polkaroo.

My parents brought over a bunch of stuff that my mom has been collecting for the baby for years. It may even be longer than we’ve actually been trying, she’d been putting stuff away. Lots of onesies (which is great since I think he’ll be wearing them until he’s 12 if I have anything to say about it :P) and some diapers she made and some blankets and this and that. Some of it is girl stuff (some is girly but I don’t care, some is really too girly) but I’ll put that aside for later on if we’re lucky, or for if one of my siblings has a girl.

My sister brought some sleepers and stuff that she picked up for us. Two of them is one that every time we’re in the store I have to gush over them, they’re so cute. It’s cows, but the way they’re drawn they have these big feel and it looks like they’re wearing shoes (not like with laces, but just how big they look) and I just think they’re so adorable.

My brother’s gf has been driving me nuts lately. She belongs to a Freecycle group and keeps emailing me postings from it for stuff, but it’s all for really far away and I’m not willing to drive all the way there to pick up stuff. If she wants to get it for me, I’d be happy to let her know what I’m interested in. But also, you can’t email me a listing at midnight that I won’t get for several hours and then expect me to get it when it’s items that are snapped up right away. Plus, she asked me what stuff I need, I told her (basically, maternity clothes in particular sizes and cloth diapers, everything else we either have, have coming, or will probably be getting tons of at showers and stuff that are coming up), but she keeps asking me about other stuff, even stuff I’ve specifically told her we have already. And she posted asking for maternity clothes on this far-away group, then when she got a response from someone and I said that it was too far for me to go to, she said it was too far for her too. Then why do you belong to that group? And why ask on it? There are closer ones that she belongs to too. She picked up some baby clothes for me on the way to my place yesterday (despite me saying I have tons already, and more coming) and I’m freecycling them myself since they’re all very worn stuff, not to my taste, or all stained. Oh, and they reek. Considering how much stuff we have already, it’s just not worth me keeping them. I did keep two sleepers from the bag, but that’s it. I know she’s trying to be helpful and all, but when I said we have everything except those two things, that’s what I meant. She’s done the same thing with my mom, going nuts grabbing fabric for my mom because she was doing some blankets for charity with it, but then not getting the hint when my mom had too much fabric. I hope she got the hint yesterday when I was able to show her our baby room full of clothes, plus said more was coming, so I literally only needed those two items that I specifically said for her to watch out for. And only when it’s close by! I’m way too tired to be tromping all over the city, especially when it would be rush hour any time I would be able to go.

According to my ticker, I have 98 days left to go, which is a bit freaky. Under three digits! I remember when getting under 200 days seemed like it would never happen. Wow. I was reading that between weeks 24 and 26 is when you can feel the baby moving the most, and then after that things get a bit more cramped and you feel a little bit less. I’m a bit sad about that, though I hope it’s just that maybe there are less strong jabs and more just wiggles or whatever you would call them, or maybe just that he’s not moving around bodily quite as much. I enjoy feeling the movements, though I wouldn’t mind if there were less of those jabs to my cervix and to that nerve that really hurts πŸ˜›

I am surprisingly calm when I think about actually *having* a baby. Obviously I’m a bit nervous about delivery and all, but that’s a small part and you get through it. I thought I’d be a lot more panicky about the having to take care of the baby part, but so far either it hasn’t really hit me, or I’m just so ready after all this time that I’m ready for all of it. Or maybe it’s just something you can’t really appreciate it until it happens to you. Every time I start to feel worried about how we’re going to handle it, I think about how it almost never happened (which is maybe not totally true, but I was sure starting to wonder if we would ever be parents, and there was/is really no way of knowing) and then I feel ready for it. I know there’ll be crappy times and times when I feel completely overwhelmed and not ready for it and not sure if I can handle it, but I also have this feeling that it’s the kind of thing you learn as you go along and that’s what parents are there for (I will be so glad to have my mom around!) and I dunno… I just have this sort of calm about it, which surprises me. I thought I’d be panicky way ahead of time or feeling really scared or something, but I think we’re as ready as we’ll ever be, and the rest of it you just deal with. At least we aren’t big going-out-all-night people or anything like that, so the biggest change will be the lack of free time and that sort of thing rather than huge lifestyle changes like us being used to partying and carrying on. We’re boring already, so there isn’t a whole lot more boring we can be πŸ˜‰


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