I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


I wasn’t planning on celebrating Mother’s Day, since I’m technically not a mother yet and have trouble taking it for granted that I will be, even at this point. Plus it seems sort of sentimental, which neither my husband or I are, and I’m not all about having the title like a lot of people seem to be, so I wasn’t thinking that we would.

When I got home from work though, my husband suggested we go out for dinner to celebrate, and then he surprised me with a Kobo eReader! Maybe that’s not quite as exciting for other people as it was for me, but I was thrilled! Mostly I was really touched that he would think of it and put the effort into it given our usual lack of sentimentality. And the fact that he wanted to do it says something about how he’s feeling about having the baby. Since he’s low-key, it’s sometimes hard to know how he’s feeling, so him doing something like this tells me that he’s excited about it. Maybe he was just looking for an excuse to get me a new electronic gadget, but still. I like to think it means he’s really happy about it.

(and not that I thought he wasn’t, it’s just hard to tell exactly how he’s feeling sometimes. Even if you ask him and he says he’s happy or excited, he still says it in a low-key way. I’m not sure if I’m making sense here, but anyway).

And I love the eReader experience. It’s so light and comfortable and it’s just like looking at a book so no eyestrain or anything. I read one book that I downloaded from the library for practice, and then I started reading a real book I picked up before I got home the day he gave it to me, and I actually already miss the comfort of the reader, especially for reading in bed and all. I just hope that the library’s selection grows. It’s not great if you’re looking for a specific title, but I often am just reading random stuff anyway so it’s okay.

I have 15 weeks left to go, which means I can now go on short term disability and get paid for it. Well, a portion of my pay, but still. Being stuck in the other program and not returning to my own has made me unhappy to be at work and so I like to think about not having to go. Though then I’d feel guilty since there’s no replacement for me yet and they’d be left in a lurch, but I also wouldn’t have to deal with the same crap day in and day out anymore. It’s not even the clients’ crap that bugs me so much, it’s the fact that I have to deal with staff crap too. And the language difference really gets to me some days because I really feel inadequate because of it sometimes. I know I’m still the best choice to be here among those who are available, but still. I like to feel I’m doing a good job and a lot of the time I just don’t.

I’ve noticed a big difference in the movements I’m feeling in the past week or so. I’m feeling them more often, including at night, which I usually didn’t before, and I’m feeling a lot more than just pokes. I’ve felt rolls across my belly, and I feel what’s like him crab walking across my belly or something. Like he’s moving, but it’s not a smooth rolling, more of a scampering or something, it’s hard to describe. Sometimes I think he’s tapdancing, there is so much going on. I enjoy it all except when he’s stuck in a position where he’s kicking that nerve (usually to the right side, near my hip bone) repeatedly, then it’s not so much fun. Still getting cervix kicks but they aren’t as strong as the other ones, at least not so far, which is a bit of a relief. He’s discovered my bladder and I swear he sits on it or is using it as a pillow when he’s not using it as a trampoline. It’s not all the time, but I can definitely feel when the pressure is on there. Really looking forward to him being bigger and pressing on it all the time.

I had my GD test on Friday so I’m hoping they’ll have gotten the results to my MW today for my appointment. I really hope I don’t have to take the two hour one because the one hour I felt wonky enough, though I think that was because I didn’t eat before I went (I’ve heard that can cause false positives depending on what you eat) and so the influx and then decrease of sugar in my system didn’t agree with me well. At least I know that if I fail it, it’s a true positive. I think I might end up being the other way though and have low blood sugar, but we’ll see. I just hope to get the results so I know what’s happening.

Heading out for my appointment. I looked a lot more forward to these appointments before I could feel him moving all the time, when hearing the heartbeat on the Doppler was my main reassurance that everything was okay. Now I know he’s okay, which is better, but makes me less excited to go to them. Maybe the later ones when we start talking about the birth and stuff might be more interesting. Or more scary đŸ˜›


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