I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

24w3d

I can’t believe I’m 6 months already. And only.

Over the past few weeks I’ve definitely starting showing more, but still the “cute” realm, which is where I wouldn’t mind staying for a while. As I think I’ve said before, I’m noticing a difference in my mobility and agility and comfort, so staying small is definitely a good thing. Now that I’m showing, I’m not in a hurry to blow up much more.

We have the baby room together. Walls painted, furniture (dresser/change table, crib, glider) assembled and in place, clothes/blankets/etc. that we have already from friends washed and hung up, etc. I’m really pleased with the way it’s turning out. I’m not one for everything to be matching and I’m also not huge on the pastel colours that are so popular for babies. While I can appreciate that it all looks nice that way, it’s not really me. Our furniture doesn’t match – the crib and glider are cherry, the dresser is blue, the curtains are bright blue (they were there before, we might end up changing them because they’re a bit sheer to block out much light, which was the point when we put them up, to be able to have the blinds up in there but not have the sun beating in, but I’ve heard babies sleep less if it’s lighter so we might end up getting darker ones), and we’re accenting with a bunch of different, bright colours. We got a bedding set from friends that is a bright green and has some other colours in it as well and that goes well, plus I’m planning on some other colour accents just not quite sure exactly what yet. It’s very Me and I’m happy about that. It’s fun and cheerful and different.

It’s kind of surreal having all this baby stuff in the house after trying for so long. It’s hard to believe that there’s actually going to be a baby (assuming all goes well, I still find it hard to take that for granted, I’m still sure it’s all going to be taken away from me sometime, somehow) and our lives are going to be completely different. I am both excited about that change and scared about it. Excited because it means we finally have our baby, and while I know there will be trying times and it’s not all fun and games and a lot of it sucks at the beginning (and through all of it), maybe that will be made that little bit easier to deal with because of all we’ve been through to get there and how long it took. It certainly has made pregnancy a whole lot easier to take, though again it’s easy to say that because I’ve had a relatively easy time of it so far.

I’m scared because holy crap, I have to take care of this helpless little being and I can’t just pass it off to someone else! And how will my relationship with my husband change? In some ways I expect it will get deeper (how awesome will it be to see him finally holding his baby and (I hope!) being happy he’s here, and finally being able to *do* something about it, rather than all the waiting around in the background while I get all the glory? Glory at the IF clinic being the least good part of that :P), but I also expect it will get a lot more complicated when there’s someone needing something all the time. We’ve been able to devote a lot of attention to each other because we’re the only ones, although we also spend a fair bit of time apart or doing our own thing so it’s not like we have to go from doing 100% of things Together, but still. I’m not sure how I’ll feel about him traveling so much once there’s a baby since it means doing stuff all on my own and not having anyone to run interference or relieve me, but I guess all parents have to deal with that at some point. Traveling is important to his job right now, and he’ll be avoiding doing any for a few months before and after the baby is born so he can be around.

I’m worried about post partum depression and the hormone dump after giving birth. I suffered from fairly severe depression and anxiety after I went off the pill and my hormones went all crazy and while this is different, I fully expect to experience some sort of PPD though how severe I’m not sure. I wasn’t exactly suicidal — if a bus were coming towards me I wouldn’t jump in front of it, but  I wasn’t at all sure that I would bother to move out of the way, and I really hope to never feel that way again. I still find it hard to talk about it and that was over four years ago. I did some counseling that helped, but it also could have been getting over the hormone whatever-it-was that happened. I’m planning on calling that counselor and arranging some appointments so that if I need it, it’s all there and I can just go rather than having to wait to be referred, etc. If I don’t need it, then that’s great but given my personal and family history, I’m better I’ll get some of it. I know that I can deal with all the stuff that comes with having a new baby and being overwhelmed and unsure and all that if my mental health is stable, but I’m not sure how to deal with that all if I’m barely even able to make it through the day and am not even sure that I want to make it through. Hey, maybe it’ll give me a new topic to write about and become a support system for, since the whole IF thing didn’t exactly pan out.

I’m always amused at the recommended links that appear at the bottom of my posts. Today’s are “baby stuff”, “I can” (???), “post partum depression”, “pastel colours”, “be a baby”, “hormones”, and “severe depression”. I wonder what it decides to pick up and what it doesn’t. I understand the big ones, like PPD, but why “I can” or “be a baby”? Weird. And then it rearranges them as I type as well.

I have to go for the gestational diabetes test. I’m going on Friday first thing to get it over with, plus I have a MW appointment next week on Monday so I’m hoping they’ll have the results by then. And obviously hoping it’ll be good news so I don’t have to worry about it. Mostly I don’t want it because I’ve heard from other people what they recommend you eat for that, and there is absolutely no way I can eat all that food, particularly in one sitting, but even all day. Yikes. I just hope I don’t have to wait forever at the lab before starting it. I’m not looking forward to the drink (although I’ve heard recently from someone that it wasn’t as bad as she thought) and while I don’t mind too much getting my blood done, I always have anxiety before in case they stick me and then try to wiggle the needle around. Stick me a bunch of times over, but don’t wiggle the needle! Ugh.

I tried getting some video of the baby kicking where you can see it from the outside. He was consistently kicking in the same place a bunch of times last week when I would lay down for bed, and I even got my husband to stick around for it (now it’s suggesting “they” as a good link at the bottom) and he saw it, but when the camera was on, nothing. Turn the camera off, he’s tapdancing all over the place. Turn it on, nothing (HOW DOES HE KNOW?!). Or kicking down low where the camera couldn’t see. I did manage to capture one visible one, but that’s it so far. I got a couple in a row, but the contrast of the video isn’t good enough to be able to see, or the kick wasn’t strong enough. Even knowing it’s there, I can’t see it. Stubborn baby!

Though I’m okay if he gets my stubbornness, as long as he sleeps like my husband!

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