I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for May, 2011


28 weeks.  7 months. 3rd trimester. Wow.

My brain still seems to be caught in a timewarp where I keep forgetting I’m as far along as I am. On the online forum I read the other due date groups (a few months ahead, a few months behind) and I was reading the group due in October this morning and I couldn’t believe that some of them are 20 weeks along. I know it’s only two months behind where I am, but I still feel like I’m somewhere around that stage, and it’s a bit of a shock to realize I’m actually well beyond that. I guess it’s like how you still feel like the same person you were when you were 20 inside, so it shocks you to realize you’re actually 30! Or maybe I’m just really slow for some reason.

Baby’s been very active this week. I slept at my parents’ house the night before last since I was picking my husband up from the airport in the morning and they’re a lot closer to the airport. My mom was getting ready for bed around the time that he’s usually the most predictably active, so I went and laid down with her and he actually performed! He was bopping around a lot, which she could both see and feel, and then he wasn’t kicking as much as he was just moving around so my stomach was changing shape (and at one point my belly button went from being a very shallow innie to being totally flat to poking out a tiny bit as we watched. Pretty neat! Still can’t really identify body parts, although at one point there was definitely something fairly large and long pressed against the top of my belly, so we thought that must be his back since usually it’s smaller and more localized (so must be his head or his bum). My mom suggested it was his head, and then he promptly disappeared. Apparently he’s sensitive about that 😉 I know I’ve been able to tell where he is for the last little while, but not that distinctly or noticed him moving as much, though I also haven’t spent a lot of time laying down and specifically feeling for him like we were.

I often feel little movements down low in my belly and it’s not specific kicking, it’s more like wiggling or…. I have no idea how to describe it. I wonder if he’s transverse a lot and his arms and legs dangle that way so he’s like waving them around or something? I don’t know, but you can feel it on the outside too. I really wish I had a magic camera that could see through to see what was going on. For a while I would have described it as feeling like I was popping popcorn in there, but that’s not the way it felt this morning. I often feel that when I’m sitting or laying down, and often it’s a precursor to the larger movements and the kicks that I can see on the outside too.

I’m taking reassurance from him being so wiggly since a friend of mine, who was a few weeks ahead of me (not sure exactly how long ahead) gave me the news yesterday that she lost hers this week. I had RSVPed for her shower and then her mom wrote back and said that it was cancelled but didn’t provide any details. Naturally I was hoping that it wasn’t anything to do with the health of the baby, but then my friend emailed me and said she went for an ultrasound (not sure if it was routine or if they suspected a problem) and they couldn’t detect a heartbeat and she had to be induced and deliver a stillborn. Needless to say, that’s pretty upsetting news anyway but being so near to her in gestation it really hits home. You hear of things like that happening, but it’s so much worse when it’s someone you know. She says they don’t know why, but I hope they’ll be able to get some answers. If I lose this baby, it’s over for me. I’m done with the trying to have a baby thing. And then having to go through labour to deliver the baby and all… wow. 😦

I don’t believe that they had trouble conceiving since they weren’t married that long before, so at least when/if they want to try again, they don’t have to factor IF into the whole equation, but wow. When you’ve had a loss, you sort of mark the time of the loss as a magic point and afterwards you feel you can breathe just a little bit easier. I cannot imagine that magic marker being so late into the pregnancy. How could you ever relax and enjoy it? How could you plan ahead?

I wrote to my friend who is organizing my shower and asked her to pull this friend’s invitation if she hadn’t sent them yet, and if she had to let me know what to warn them to look for so they wouldn’t open it unless they were ready to. I’d love to do something to help, but I also am acutely aware that I’m probably the last person she wants to be around. On the other hand, I can totally understand her feelings in some ways, not specific to that sort of loss, but to how it feels to be around people who have what you want and can’t seem to get and the worry of it never working out ever and all that sort of thing.

It just seems so unfair that great parents have so much trouble and yet crack moms pop out babies all over the place with no issues.

Yesterday was a pretty blah day for me for a good part of it after that news. My baby was being particularly active all day, which was both reassuring and terrifying in the thought that hers probably felt similar not too long ago 😦  I know the worry is all part of it and a big part of being a parent and it probably only gets worse when the baby is real and in your arms and then all sorts of things can happen.

And on that positive note, I’m dying for some lunch and I also need to move because I’m really uncomfortable this morning.




I wish every weekend was a long one. But then we’d need to have long long weekends of four days to mix things up 😉

So far today I haven’t done too much. Got some laundry done as usual, read my book, took a nap. I just went and downloaded two new eBooks and put a couple others on hold for the future. I love eBooks for the simple fact that the library is never closed for me now! Yay! Actually, I’m finding that I can sit in easier positions for longer with the eReader because it’s lighter and I can hold it in more positions comfortably. I’m working on a real book but I think I’m going to return it and wait for an e-copy to come in (I have it on hold at two different libraries) so I can be more comfortable reading it. I’m finding I’m avoiding picking it up because I’m really noticing the difference. Not sure if that will continue once I’m no longer pregnant, but it’s nice to have the eReader right now.

We were at a friend’s house on Saturday and picked up a bunch of baby stuff – bassinet, car seat, stroller, exersaucer, a play mat thingybob, and maybe a couple of other things, I can’t recall. They’re at my parents’ place currently until we get a chance to have husband’s parents bring their van out to transport it since it won’t all fit in our cars, though I guess we can bring it in stages rather than all at once. We are once again so so so lucky to have friends who are willing to give us all this stuff since buying it all new would be ridiculously expensive (well, we would just be hoping to get all or most of it at our shower(s)) and so much of it is really dependent on your kid. They might love it, they might hate it. And a lot of it they only use for a short amount of time.

I think I mentioned that they also picked up four bags of baby clothes that someone they knew was giving away for free, so I brought that with me and I’ve sorted through it and I washed all that today too. There was a lot of larger stuff, not so much the really little stuff, which is great since he’ll definitely use it. I’m not sure if a lot of what we have might end up not being used by us yet because of the seasons. There are a lot of like fleece sleepers in 3 month sizes, which (assuming he’s average size) would make it November, but if he’s warm like husband, he won’t wear it even if it’s cool by then. But! If he’s cold like me, he’ll be wearing it in August 😉 So yeah, there’s a lot that he could wear whatever the weather, or we can layer him, but there’s some I’m not really sure. But hey, it’s free and worse thing is that we’ll pass it on to someone else unused by us. There were a couple of frog things in there (something woefully lacking in the bunch we got from the other friend, in my opinion!), though I ended up not taking a few items with frogs and monkeys since they had those cutesy sayings like, “my mommy makes me happy!” and “Bananas over Mommy!”, which I think are rather egotistical of mommy to put on her baby and just kind of strike me as weird. They’re cute for someone else’s baby, but I feel weird doing it. It was hard though because it’s FROGS! And Monkeys! And what’s the deal with hardly any Daddy stuff? Maybe that’s on little girl’s clothes, or maybe it’s mom doing the shopping and buys that stuff so she buys the mommy stuff, but I just think that’s strange.

We went to my parents’ place after since husband was flying out in the evening. I hugged my mom and baby kicked her, so she finally got to feel him. I’ve been saying that now in addition to him being stubborn and stage frighty, he’s also rude. I’m so proud! 😉

Got together the addresses for people to invite to our shower in June that my mom and a friend are putting on. Hope I haven’t forgotten anyone, though I don’t think so. One of the challenges is that I want it to be a co-ed shower, so not just the women sitting around not knowing anyone since half the time the husbands are my friends too. So I/we am/are inviting those couples who I would have invited the female half anyway, though there are some friends who are technically his friends and I wouldn’t really invite the wife, but would definitely invite him. But most of those are people who he goes on his guy’s camping trip with (which is usually in early August, but has been moved earlier this year plus they’re not going away very far just in case) so he’s not sure if they might do something for him then, or they might get him later. Not that it’s a big deal, gift-wise, I just don’t want anyone to feel left out or something. Does anyone really care? Maybe they’re relieved. 😛


I’ve been quite fortunate so far that back pain that I’ve had during this pregnancy has generally been kept under control by sleeping on my Snoogle pillow. When I had it at 12 weeks and then started using Snoogle, it disappeared completely except for those odd times when I’d lay funny without it, but a few minutes with it laying properly and I’d be back to normal. I’ve noticed an increase in my discomfort in my back over the past few weeks, mostly when I wasn’t being supported properly in my lower back, but then I would sit in a good chair or change my position and I’d be feeling better.

Yesterday and today that has changed and even those chairs that I was previously okay on (like my couch), I’ve been having back issues with. I keep having to change positions and even when I find one that feels comfortable, about two minutes later it’s hurting again. One of the big problems is that sometimes I can’t find a position that’s comfortable at all, and if the discomfort (I still hesitate to call it pain, it’s more like a tiredness and discomfort, not an actual pain) continues for a while, I start to feel lightheaded and crappy all over. I don’t know if that means baby is sitting in a bad position (on a nerve? on a major blood vessel?) or something, but moving around doesn’t seem to shift him out of that position. Right now the only reliable thing that helps is going to lay down in my bed with Snoogle. Which, while it works instantly (seriously, Snoogle is a miracle), is not a great solution, and not exactly an option if I’m out somewhere or at work. I’m mostly concerned about the feeling overall bad and the lightheaded feeling since I can’t exactly just randomly go and lay down while I’m working. There is a couch (though it’s usually covered with stuff) but I can’t exactly leave clients, especially on our crazy busy days, and go lay down. Plus if Snoogle is the secret, I don’t have one at work.

While I am often fantasizing these days about having to go off work, I don’t want to do it out of this kind of discomfort, and I don’t want to be stuck in bed for 3-4 months because that’s the only way I can be comfortable. Though is that preferable to prescribed bedrest where you feel fine? I’m not sure. I guess either way it sucks not to do what you want/need to do.

Yesterday my whole family came over, which was really nice since we haven’t all seen each other since Christmas and we’ve been trying to plan something for the last two months but my mom has been sick pretty much that whole time with some weird lingering thing that left her really tired and hoarse so not up to company (especially since we really get yakking when we’re together). It was really nice to see everyone, although baby did not cooperate and barely moved the entire time they were over, except for small movements that you couldn’t really see on the outside. And when no one was looking, he’d do one random poke that I would see/feel but no one else would. I’m going to start calling him Polkaroo.

My parents brought over a bunch of stuff that my mom has been collecting for the baby for years. It may even be longer than we’ve actually been trying, she’d been putting stuff away. Lots of onesies (which is great since I think he’ll be wearing them until he’s 12 if I have anything to say about it :P) and some diapers she made and some blankets and this and that. Some of it is girl stuff (some is girly but I don’t care, some is really too girly) but I’ll put that aside for later on if we’re lucky, or for if one of my siblings has a girl.

My sister brought some sleepers and stuff that she picked up for us. Two of them is one that every time we’re in the store I have to gush over them, they’re so cute. It’s cows, but the way they’re drawn they have these big feel and it looks like they’re wearing shoes (not like with laces, but just how big they look) and I just think they’re so adorable.

My brother’s gf has been driving me nuts lately. She belongs to a Freecycle group and keeps emailing me postings from it for stuff, but it’s all for really far away and I’m not willing to drive all the way there to pick up stuff. If she wants to get it for me, I’d be happy to let her know what I’m interested in. But also, you can’t email me a listing at midnight that I won’t get for several hours and then expect me to get it when it’s items that are snapped up right away. Plus, she asked me what stuff I need, I told her (basically, maternity clothes in particular sizes and cloth diapers, everything else we either have, have coming, or will probably be getting tons of at showers and stuff that are coming up), but she keeps asking me about other stuff, even stuff I’ve specifically told her we have already. And she posted asking for maternity clothes on this far-away group, then when she got a response from someone and I said that it was too far for me to go to, she said it was too far for her too. Then why do you belong to that group? And why ask on it? There are closer ones that she belongs to too. She picked up some baby clothes for me on the way to my place yesterday (despite me saying I have tons already, and more coming) and I’m freecycling them myself since they’re all very worn stuff, not to my taste, or all stained. Oh, and they reek. Considering how much stuff we have already, it’s just not worth me keeping them. I did keep two sleepers from the bag, but that’s it. I know she’s trying to be helpful and all, but when I said we have everything except those two things, that’s what I meant. She’s done the same thing with my mom, going nuts grabbing fabric for my mom because she was doing some blankets for charity with it, but then not getting the hint when my mom had too much fabric. I hope she got the hint yesterday when I was able to show her our baby room full of clothes, plus said more was coming, so I literally only needed those two items that I specifically said for her to watch out for. And only when it’s close by! I’m way too tired to be tromping all over the city, especially when it would be rush hour any time I would be able to go.

According to my ticker, I have 98 days left to go, which is a bit freaky. Under three digits! I remember when getting under 200 days seemed like it would never happen. Wow. I was reading that between weeks 24 and 26 is when you can feel the baby moving the most, and then after that things get a bit more cramped and you feel a little bit less. I’m a bit sad about that, though I hope it’s just that maybe there are less strong jabs and more just wiggles or whatever you would call them, or maybe just that he’s not moving around bodily quite as much. I enjoy feeling the movements, though I wouldn’t mind if there were less of those jabs to my cervix and to that nerve that really hurts 😛

I am surprisingly calm when I think about actually *having* a baby. Obviously I’m a bit nervous about delivery and all, but that’s a small part and you get through it. I thought I’d be a lot more panicky about the having to take care of the baby part, but so far either it hasn’t really hit me, or I’m just so ready after all this time that I’m ready for all of it. Or maybe it’s just something you can’t really appreciate it until it happens to you. Every time I start to feel worried about how we’re going to handle it, I think about how it almost never happened (which is maybe not totally true, but I was sure starting to wonder if we would ever be parents, and there was/is really no way of knowing) and then I feel ready for it. I know there’ll be crappy times and times when I feel completely overwhelmed and not ready for it and not sure if I can handle it, but I also have this feeling that it’s the kind of thing you learn as you go along and that’s what parents are there for (I will be so glad to have my mom around!) and I dunno… I just have this sort of calm about it, which surprises me. I thought I’d be panicky way ahead of time or feeling really scared or something, but I think we’re as ready as we’ll ever be, and the rest of it you just deal with. At least we aren’t big going-out-all-night people or anything like that, so the biggest change will be the lack of free time and that sort of thing rather than huge lifestyle changes like us being used to partying and carrying on. We’re boring already, so there isn’t a whole lot more boring we can be 😉


I wasn’t planning on celebrating Mother’s Day, since I’m technically not a mother yet and have trouble taking it for granted that I will be, even at this point. Plus it seems sort of sentimental, which neither my husband or I are, and I’m not all about having the title like a lot of people seem to be, so I wasn’t thinking that we would.

When I got home from work though, my husband suggested we go out for dinner to celebrate, and then he surprised me with a Kobo eReader! Maybe that’s not quite as exciting for other people as it was for me, but I was thrilled! Mostly I was really touched that he would think of it and put the effort into it given our usual lack of sentimentality. And the fact that he wanted to do it says something about how he’s feeling about having the baby. Since he’s low-key, it’s sometimes hard to know how he’s feeling, so him doing something like this tells me that he’s excited about it. Maybe he was just looking for an excuse to get me a new electronic gadget, but still. I like to think it means he’s really happy about it.

(and not that I thought he wasn’t, it’s just hard to tell exactly how he’s feeling sometimes. Even if you ask him and he says he’s happy or excited, he still says it in a low-key way. I’m not sure if I’m making sense here, but anyway).

And I love the eReader experience. It’s so light and comfortable and it’s just like looking at a book so no eyestrain or anything. I read one book that I downloaded from the library for practice, and then I started reading a real book I picked up before I got home the day he gave it to me, and I actually already miss the comfort of the reader, especially for reading in bed and all. I just hope that the library’s selection grows. It’s not great if you’re looking for a specific title, but I often am just reading random stuff anyway so it’s okay.

I have 15 weeks left to go, which means I can now go on short term disability and get paid for it. Well, a portion of my pay, but still. Being stuck in the other program and not returning to my own has made me unhappy to be at work and so I like to think about not having to go. Though then I’d feel guilty since there’s no replacement for me yet and they’d be left in a lurch, but I also wouldn’t have to deal with the same crap day in and day out anymore. It’s not even the clients’ crap that bugs me so much, it’s the fact that I have to deal with staff crap too. And the language difference really gets to me some days because I really feel inadequate because of it sometimes. I know I’m still the best choice to be here among those who are available, but still. I like to feel I’m doing a good job and a lot of the time I just don’t.

I’ve noticed a big difference in the movements I’m feeling in the past week or so. I’m feeling them more often, including at night, which I usually didn’t before, and I’m feeling a lot more than just pokes. I’ve felt rolls across my belly, and I feel what’s like him crab walking across my belly or something. Like he’s moving, but it’s not a smooth rolling, more of a scampering or something, it’s hard to describe. Sometimes I think he’s tapdancing, there is so much going on. I enjoy it all except when he’s stuck in a position where he’s kicking that nerve (usually to the right side, near my hip bone) repeatedly, then it’s not so much fun. Still getting cervix kicks but they aren’t as strong as the other ones, at least not so far, which is a bit of a relief. He’s discovered my bladder and I swear he sits on it or is using it as a pillow when he’s not using it as a trampoline. It’s not all the time, but I can definitely feel when the pressure is on there. Really looking forward to him being bigger and pressing on it all the time.

I had my GD test on Friday so I’m hoping they’ll have gotten the results to my MW today for my appointment. I really hope I don’t have to take the two hour one because the one hour I felt wonky enough, though I think that was because I didn’t eat before I went (I’ve heard that can cause false positives depending on what you eat) and so the influx and then decrease of sugar in my system didn’t agree with me well. At least I know that if I fail it, it’s a true positive. I think I might end up being the other way though and have low blood sugar, but we’ll see. I just hope to get the results so I know what’s happening.

Heading out for my appointment. I looked a lot more forward to these appointments before I could feel him moving all the time, when hearing the heartbeat on the Doppler was my main reassurance that everything was okay. Now I know he’s okay, which is better, but makes me less excited to go to them. Maybe the later ones when we start talking about the birth and stuff might be more interesting. Or more scary 😛


I can’t believe I’m 6 months already. And only.

Over the past few weeks I’ve definitely starting showing more, but still the “cute” realm, which is where I wouldn’t mind staying for a while. As I think I’ve said before, I’m noticing a difference in my mobility and agility and comfort, so staying small is definitely a good thing. Now that I’m showing, I’m not in a hurry to blow up much more.

We have the baby room together. Walls painted, furniture (dresser/change table, crib, glider) assembled and in place, clothes/blankets/etc. that we have already from friends washed and hung up, etc. I’m really pleased with the way it’s turning out. I’m not one for everything to be matching and I’m also not huge on the pastel colours that are so popular for babies. While I can appreciate that it all looks nice that way, it’s not really me. Our furniture doesn’t match – the crib and glider are cherry, the dresser is blue, the curtains are bright blue (they were there before, we might end up changing them because they’re a bit sheer to block out much light, which was the point when we put them up, to be able to have the blinds up in there but not have the sun beating in, but I’ve heard babies sleep less if it’s lighter so we might end up getting darker ones), and we’re accenting with a bunch of different, bright colours. We got a bedding set from friends that is a bright green and has some other colours in it as well and that goes well, plus I’m planning on some other colour accents just not quite sure exactly what yet. It’s very Me and I’m happy about that. It’s fun and cheerful and different.

It’s kind of surreal having all this baby stuff in the house after trying for so long. It’s hard to believe that there’s actually going to be a baby (assuming all goes well, I still find it hard to take that for granted, I’m still sure it’s all going to be taken away from me sometime, somehow) and our lives are going to be completely different. I am both excited about that change and scared about it. Excited because it means we finally have our baby, and while I know there will be trying times and it’s not all fun and games and a lot of it sucks at the beginning (and through all of it), maybe that will be made that little bit easier to deal with because of all we’ve been through to get there and how long it took. It certainly has made pregnancy a whole lot easier to take, though again it’s easy to say that because I’ve had a relatively easy time of it so far.

I’m scared because holy crap, I have to take care of this helpless little being and I can’t just pass it off to someone else! And how will my relationship with my husband change? In some ways I expect it will get deeper (how awesome will it be to see him finally holding his baby and (I hope!) being happy he’s here, and finally being able to *do* something about it, rather than all the waiting around in the background while I get all the glory? Glory at the IF clinic being the least good part of that :P), but I also expect it will get a lot more complicated when there’s someone needing something all the time. We’ve been able to devote a lot of attention to each other because we’re the only ones, although we also spend a fair bit of time apart or doing our own thing so it’s not like we have to go from doing 100% of things Together, but still. I’m not sure how I’ll feel about him traveling so much once there’s a baby since it means doing stuff all on my own and not having anyone to run interference or relieve me, but I guess all parents have to deal with that at some point. Traveling is important to his job right now, and he’ll be avoiding doing any for a few months before and after the baby is born so he can be around.

I’m worried about post partum depression and the hormone dump after giving birth. I suffered from fairly severe depression and anxiety after I went off the pill and my hormones went all crazy and while this is different, I fully expect to experience some sort of PPD though how severe I’m not sure. I wasn’t exactly suicidal — if a bus were coming towards me I wouldn’t jump in front of it, but  I wasn’t at all sure that I would bother to move out of the way, and I really hope to never feel that way again. I still find it hard to talk about it and that was over four years ago. I did some counseling that helped, but it also could have been getting over the hormone whatever-it-was that happened. I’m planning on calling that counselor and arranging some appointments so that if I need it, it’s all there and I can just go rather than having to wait to be referred, etc. If I don’t need it, then that’s great but given my personal and family history, I’m better I’ll get some of it. I know that I can deal with all the stuff that comes with having a new baby and being overwhelmed and unsure and all that if my mental health is stable, but I’m not sure how to deal with that all if I’m barely even able to make it through the day and am not even sure that I want to make it through. Hey, maybe it’ll give me a new topic to write about and become a support system for, since the whole IF thing didn’t exactly pan out.

I’m always amused at the recommended links that appear at the bottom of my posts. Today’s are “baby stuff”, “I can” (???), “post partum depression”, “pastel colours”, “be a baby”, “hormones”, and “severe depression”. I wonder what it decides to pick up and what it doesn’t. I understand the big ones, like PPD, but why “I can” or “be a baby”? Weird. And then it rearranges them as I type as well.

I have to go for the gestational diabetes test. I’m going on Friday first thing to get it over with, plus I have a MW appointment next week on Monday so I’m hoping they’ll have the results by then. And obviously hoping it’ll be good news so I don’t have to worry about it. Mostly I don’t want it because I’ve heard from other people what they recommend you eat for that, and there is absolutely no way I can eat all that food, particularly in one sitting, but even all day. Yikes. I just hope I don’t have to wait forever at the lab before starting it. I’m not looking forward to the drink (although I’ve heard recently from someone that it wasn’t as bad as she thought) and while I don’t mind too much getting my blood done, I always have anxiety before in case they stick me and then try to wiggle the needle around. Stick me a bunch of times over, but don’t wiggle the needle! Ugh.

I tried getting some video of the baby kicking where you can see it from the outside. He was consistently kicking in the same place a bunch of times last week when I would lay down for bed, and I even got my husband to stick around for it (now it’s suggesting “they” as a good link at the bottom) and he saw it, but when the camera was on, nothing. Turn the camera off, he’s tapdancing all over the place. Turn it on, nothing (HOW DOES HE KNOW?!). Or kicking down low where the camera couldn’t see. I did manage to capture one visible one, but that’s it so far. I got a couple in a row, but the contrast of the video isn’t good enough to be able to see, or the kick wasn’t strong enough. Even knowing it’s there, I can’t see it. Stubborn baby!

Though I’m okay if he gets my stubbornness, as long as he sleeps like my husband!