I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for April, 2011

Lucky

If I ever need to be reminded about how lucky I am in so many ways, unfortunately reading the online forum is a good place to do that. Just read today about a girl who miscarried during her 12th week without any warning. She talked about how when she hit that mark, she breathed a sigh of relief and started to feel a bit more secure about the whole thing, which I think is something we all do at that point. I know nothing is guaranteed, and you don’t have to look too far to find the story of someone who’s lost their baby even later (or during labour, or at any point after), but it always feels like there should be a point where you can feel safe and not worry anymore. I guess parenting is actually all about worrying, but you know what I mean. Kind of like if you’ve been in a relationship long enough, that should mean you’re going to make it to that elusive forever. And then you hear about being getting divorced after being married for 25+ years. Though who knows how those relationships have been.

I guess it’s just hitting home how uncertain it all really is, and I guess that’s life. It just doesn’t seem fair that someone who had to go through all that and finally made it to that “your chances are greatly reduced!” time and then loses it after all. And yet some alcoholic or drug addict can get pregnant and carry to term no problem.

And I’ve been so lucky in this whole thing. Trying for “only” four years, getting it naturally on our own before having spent an arm and a leg, having no complications so far (knock on wood!), I’ve had a relatively comfortable andΒ decent time of it (yes, I had morning sickness, but it wasn’t that bad!), etc. I even get to feel him so much earlier than other people, despite an anterior placenta. (which really makes me wonder what other people are feeling if I’m feeling him so strongly, yikes!).

I haven’t ever stopped realizing how lucky I am, and how grateful I am for this whole experience, but it sometimes does hit home.

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22w5d

I just went through a box of clothes we got from a friend of my husband’s the other night. Wow, kid has more clothes than I do already and he isn’t even born! Of course, I also don’t need to change my clothes multiple times a day because I’m puking or peeing or whatevering on them πŸ˜› There’s some of the stuff that we probably won’t use, but there’s a lot that I either really like, or else am kind of neutral on that we’ll probably end up using. There are a few that I think are ugly or they have an embroidered logo with that itchy wonder under stuff on the inside (and if kid’s anything like me, that won’t fly – I’ve had issues with that stuff all my life) or whatever. In some cases, both, so even if kid is okay with it, I think it’s ugly πŸ˜›

Sadly, only one frog sleeper and it’s newborn and longsleeved, which might not be great for August. Unless kid is cold like me. But probably not an issue since I’ve put the word out among friends that I love frogs and that seems to be our big theme (not that we actually have one, but I put a lot of frog stuff on our registry and I just love frogs for some reason), so hopefully the frog quotient will go up πŸ˜‰

My dad is over painting the room, which is pretty exciting. I feel bad sitting down here while he works, but he wouldn’t let me help and he likes to work on his own. We’ll probably go to the best pizza place for dinner (dad loves pizza, could eat it for every meal), which is a big thing since I think they probably use garlic (it’s really good pizza!) so I’ll have to eat something else if they do. Hopefully the place won’t reek of it. If it does, I’m going home πŸ˜‰

Baby was kicking me in the cervix yesterday morning, which is not at all pleasant. Usually he does it once in a while and then moves on, but there were a bunch in a row so I had to start poking and rubbing my belly and jumping around until he finally moved. Good part is that he’s small so he still has lots of room and moves around a lot anyway. Hard to do because he’s so small and I’m never sure where he is specifically, so it’s hard to know where to rub. Although with my belly still being relatively small, it’s easy to wiggle the whole thing.

I don’t have too much else exciting to write about. Things are getting done, I’m feeling like we might actually be ready on the major things pretty soon and less anxious to get stuff done. We will have room painted today, we know what furniture we want so we just need to pick it up, we have clothes, we have diapers (well, cloth ones, not that you use those right off, but disposables are easy to find). Food will hopefully take care of itself, and if not it’s easy to get to a store, though then you have to choose bottles and all that. We do still need the car seat and stuff, but really, if he’s born now he won’t need a car seat because he’ll be in the hospital for a while, if he made it at all.

Haha, just saw my belly jump a few times. That’s pretty awesome. Usually I’m not in the right position to see it or it’s not happening in the same spot consistently enough to be able to look for it, but this morning it did. Really starting to feel the whole alien parasite thing πŸ˜‰

21w3d

I had my monthly midwife appointment yesterday, and I was very proud of myself that I remembered to write down all my questions and things that I wanted to tell her about so that I would actually remember them all, instead of thinking I would and then getting in there and completely forgetting. That definitely worked better than trying to hold that in my brain.

I signed us up for prenatal classes. They just opened a new class that’s running on two Saturdays instead of a bunch of Wednesdays, which works for us because my husband travels a lot and is often away on Wednesdays, while he’s almost always around on Saturdays. Plus we get it done in two weeks (albeit all day) rather than having it all spread out. And evenings are not very good for me anyway since I’m tired by then. Hopefully it won’t end up being information overload, but I think there’s a lot of stuff that we know or have some idea about, so I doubt that. I guess we’ll see.

I am measuring right on for my gestation, despite my belly still being rather small (I figure there’s probably lots of hip room available so he hasn’t started really branching out yet :P), my bp is great, his heartbeat sounds great. She restated that all the u/s results came back looking great. She did say that the placenta is in front, which means I might not feel him until later than other people. Which is really bizarre since all this time I’ve been assuming it must be in the back and he’s right up front because I’ve been feeling him since 12 weeks and we can already feel him on the outside. She was surprised about that. So either I am really super sensitive (which could be why I was feeling him so early, but that doesn’t explain how we’re feeling him on the outside, that has nothing to do with my sensitivity) or else he’s really super strong. This makes me a little afraid for what it’s going to be like as he gets bigger and stronger. I may need an epidural for the whole third trimester! πŸ˜‰

I’ve had a few painful kicks in the last few days, but I think it’s more that he’s managing to tweak a nerve somewhere because I don’t always feel the kick, but it’s more like a sudden zing feeling. I first felt it on the right side near my hip bone (the ones I can barely feel anymore, the ones that normally stick out the front), then I felt it on the left side, and this morning it was more in the middle. It kind of felt like he grabbed his cord and tried to yank it out of the wall of the uterus, assuming it’s attached somewhere near my belly button. Not such a huge fan of that feeling and hoping it doesn’t get really bad, since it doesn’t take much to make it painful for me. Given how painful the lowest setting on the EMG I had once was, and how she kept hitting nerves during acupuncture, I suspect I have a high volume of nerves all over my body. Lucky me!

Overall, I have to say this part of pregnancy is fun. Starting to show but I’m not huge and definitely fall into the “cute belly” category so far, and still can grow a bit before that ends, I’m not too uncomfortable most of the time, the morning sickness is mostly over (though I still have it on some random mornings, and other times through the day), I like feeling him move but it’s not keeping me up at night and it’s (mostly) not painful, plus I can feel it on the outside.Β  My clients are very excited about my belly and that’s kind of fun, although do they really need to remind me to be careful for the two minutes they’re in the washroom for? As if I’m going to leap on tables and start doing cartwheels if they’re not around to supervise.

My dad is coming to paint the baby’s room next week for us, which means we have to finish cleaning it out and buy the paint, so I’m excited about getting that done. Wonder how he’d feel about painting the whole rest of the house too…

21w0d

Last post I was talking about a pulled groin feeling that turned out to be round ligament pain. I slept with Snoogle that night and felt a lot better in the morning and haven’t had any issues since. Had a few twinges on the Monday morning after, but nothing much. Snoogle is a miracle. I could feel that when I was using it properly, all the pain went away. When I woke up and had moved off it in my sleep, I would feel it again until I got situated again.

I’ve been sick this past week, starting Tuesday night into Wednesday I got a funny feeling in my throat and that graduated into a sore throat. Felt okay when I went to bed on Wednesday night and was hoping I’d be able to make it through Thursday and not have to call in sick, but by the morning I was feeling really rotten, like I’d swallowed razor blades and been run over by a truck. And then by Thursday night it settled into my head, so I phoned in Friday as well. I’ve been mostly laying around for the better part of three days, sleeping on and off but now that I’m on the mend I’m really tired but can’t sleep, which is frustrating. I know when I start feeling like this that I’m really on the mend, so that’s good, but I’m still annoyed.

One of my tickers tells me how many days/weeks I’ve done and how many are left and now there is less ahead of me than behind, by about two weeks I think it is. 21 weeks done, 19 weeks to go. Starting to get really antsy about getting stuff done. Maybe it’s the being sick and not being able to do much this weekend (husband picked up what I had, just a day or so behind, and now he’s off on a business trip all week) so I’m reacting more to that than anything. Or maybe it’s that we have the next two weekends booked up and won’t be able to do much. In any case, I want to get down to the cloth diaper store to discuss what we still need and to make sure we have enough complete stuff to get started. I think we need a few covers and definitely some more inserts and that type of thing, but I want to ask questions about washing them and some other things about logistics, etc. There’s so much information, but it’s hard to narrow it down and condense it and figure out what’s going to work for you. I want to get paint for the room and to arrange with my dad, who said he’d help paint, when he wants to come do it. I want to get the room fully emptied and painted and set up so we can start actually putting stuff in there rather than having it all over the house.

I went through a big box of stuff we got from friends a few years ago when they were getting rid of their stuff and we had just started trying and we thought it wasn’t going to be that long before we needed it. Most of the stuff is (naturally) for girls, but there’s a lot of burp cloths, blankets, crib sheets, and a few clothes (including some preemie onsies, if he ends up being really small like their daughter was) that are usable. Figure we’ll hang on to the other stuff in case we have a #2 and it turns out to be a girl, but otherwise I’m happy with what we managed to use from there. Can’t have too many cloths and things like that, right?

I have an appointment with my midwife this week on Tuesday afternoon so think I’m going to actually remember to sign up for prenatal classes this time. I asked about them and meant to do it then but then forgot and then never phoned them. Hopefully they’re not all booked up yet. If so, there are some other places I could go, but I’d prefer to do it through there since they’re the ones who are doing my care and so the information should be the most relevant, I would hope. I really need to make a list of the things to mention to her so that I don’t go in there and go, “yeah, I had some stuff to ask you about, but I can’t remember what they are anymore” like I always do. You’d think I’d learn.

I also have an appointment for preregistration at the hospital this week, signing the papers and stuff so that husband doesn’t have to do them when I’m actually in labour or something. That’s a bit scary. I know I’ll have to give birth, but actually doing anything towards that goal still makes me a bit scared. In some ways I’m excited for it, since I do after all want to know what everything’s like, but on the other hand it sound scary and painful and not a whole lot of fun. And then we have to take care of a baby! A real baby! Our baby! Yikes. I tell myself everything we’re feeling is normal and so I’ve managed not to totally freak out or change my mind (that might be when the first contractions hit… :P) but it’s still a bit of a daunting prospect. And not something you can totally prepare for, even if you’ve taken care of a billion babies, who knows what yours will be like and unless it’s yours, you don’t really know what it’s like to be The person responsible for it. No passing it off to other people! Well, I guess that’s what husbands are for, but really I think he’s more clueless than I am in many ways. On the other hand, he’s also a lot more calm and levelheaded than I am, so hopefully it’ll all work out. It’ll be an experience, right?

Names continue to be a difficulty. We actually have one that we both like, one that I like and he’s okay on, a few that we like but aren’t sure about, and a whole bunch that we hate. I’m not sure whether names is one of those things that you Know is right when you find it, or if it might be one that you’re not sure about initially and then grows on you, or what. I just pray he isn’t born and we decide he doesn’t look like what we chose, but have no idea what to choose instead. Maybe kid should just name himself.

20 weeks!

Yay 20 weeks! Welcome to the 5th month! Welcome to officially halfway through!

Welcome to pulled-groin feeling!

Ever since this morning I’ve felt like I pulled something, first in my right upper thigh and now all through my groin, like right over my pubic bone. I thought perhaps I had overextended it when my husband and I were, um, busy this morning, but when I looked it up after it spread more into my groin area than my leg, apparently it’s really common because all of the stretching of ligaments and the pelvis widening and all that. I expected a lot of the other types of pain – round ligaments through your lower belly, back and hip pain (haven’t had too much of that, particularly after I got my Snoogle, knock on wood), etc., but I had no idea about the pulled-groin feeling. Β I figured I probably would pull something easier because of all the relaxin, but I think I started feeling the pulled feeling before I was *ahem* doing anything strenuous. Things that you don’t really hear about until you’re feeling it.

TMI alert, going to talk about sex, hopefully in tasteful terms.

May not have to worry about pulling anything in the future though with getting busy since it’s never happening again. Over the last several weeks for sure, and even the last couple months we’ve had our options starting to be limited with what we can comfortably do in bed, starting a few months ago with any position that put pressure on my belly (mostly because of his belly), but over the last few weeks it has become increasingly difficult to find any position that is comfortable and works and today there was nothing that worked at all, even remotely. Awesome! The biggest problem and frustration is that all the “helpful” things that are suggested for sex during pregnancy don’t work for us. We are perfectly shaped for each other when we’re facing each other, which is completely awesome and means I finish quickly and easily almost 100% of the time from that alone. But all the positions that are suggested in pregnancy are rear entry, which has never worked well for us. Imagine trying to put a banana in a banana keeper. Fits great when you put it in when they curve the same way. Not so great when they curve in different directions.

I knew we would probably have some issues at some point, but didn’t expect it so soon, and when I’m still relatively small bellied. We’re supposed to be taking advantage of the fact that we don’t need to time sex and can do it because we want and to enjoy the time we have to ourselves before our lives blow up and become unrecognizable because who knows when we’ll want or be able to do it again and then we’ll always worry about being interrupted.

Guess we’ll have to expand our repertoire of other things to do, which could be fun, but I’m a bit bummed about the whole thing.

I am not, however, bummed about the rest of things. Groin pain aside, I guess πŸ˜‰

I think we have decided on a crib and other furniture that we would like and just need to go pick it up, probably in a few weeks, maybe after we get the room painted. We went to BRU and registered there for a bunch of stuff, although there was some stuff we need to decide on, but the majority of stuff is on there, both big and small. I went through our cloth diapers to figure out what we have and what we still need and what needs to be completed (for example, if stuff needs covers, how many covers we have and how many we might need to have enough). We seem to be in really good shape, with plenty different kinds to start out with to have an idea of what we like so that we can then go out and buy more of the stuff we like when we need them. They say you’re supposed to have 24-ish to start with and we have somewhere in the neighbourhood of 17 complete, with potential for more because I think my mom has some as well, so either we’re very close to not needing anything else, or else we will be able to complete what we have for minimal cost. Thanks to the generosity of a couple of people at eye-vee-eff-dot-see-aye, we’ve only spent less than $250 on all that. A lot of them are one-size too, so we will have some that will definitely fit at all stages and so even if Baby grows into the next size overnight, we’re okay for that. There are even some really itty bitty handmade newborn ones so if he’s really tiny he’ll still fit.

There’s still a fair bit that needs to get done, but it is nice to know that we’re getting there, and really, there are only a few things that he really needs right off the bat, as I think I’ve said before, and those few things are hand-me-downs from a friend (bassinette, car seat, that kind of thing) and the rest can be gotten quite quickly should we need to.

I had a dream that I was on the two weeks before my due date vacation and I went to work to say hi to the clients (why I would do that on the first day off, I have no idea) and then my coworker said, “oh good, you’re here, I’m leaving” and left to go do something so I had to work. And then later on (possibly another dream?), I was at my parents’ house waiting to go into labour and I was having these contractions and I was arguing with whether they were BH or real labour, and I was saying that we should just call the MW, that that’s one of the reasons why we went with one, to hopefully take a lot of that “should we or shouldn’t we go to the hospital” out of the equation. Think I need to sign up for prenatal classes, or childbirth or something, since I think I’m worried about it subconsciously. I’ve had a few dreams of that nature.