I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

19w4d

I used to read a blog that was mildly interesting, but then stopped reading it several months ago when she started talking about having a third kid and it was all just so easy, “oh, when we decide to have another one blah blah blah” as if she could just snap her fingers or take a pill whenever she felt like she was ready and it would be done. At the time I wasn’t pregnant and it was really bugging me because DOES SHE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT OTHER PEOPLE GO THROUGH? And of course it’s not all about me and my pain and all that, but still. Anyone reading this who has had any trouble knows what I’m talking about, and the rest I don’t care about. Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder about the whole thing. Whatever.

Anyway, I just went back and of course she’s pregnant now and I’m sure it was so easy and oh hey, there’s that bitterness that I was missing for a while!

Of course, she’s a few weeks behind me and I can laugh because she’s gained a lot of weight already. Ha! šŸ˜›

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me being judgemental and egotistical that I think people who get it so easily can’t truly appreciate what they have. I mean, yes, I’m sure they’re very glad they don’t have issues like a lot of us, but can you really truly appreciate it unless it’s been hard fought for, or you had doubts about it in the first place (like if you have a condition that might affect it)? And who knows, maybe I don’t appreciate it as much as someone who’s been trying for even longer, or had even more trouble.

In any case, I still have trouble reading about people who don’t appear to know how easy and good they have it. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. As I’ve said before, there are some good things about infertility, like being able to appreciate even the crappy things about pregnancy. I read a post today about someone who had IVF for her first child and is now facing it again for the second, but is needing time to get the finances and stuff in order but is realizing that having that time with her one child is precious too since it’s hard dividing your time between two kids, so there continues to be some good things about it. Would I change it if I could? Yes. I would like to change the two babies that I lost so I could see what they could have been (assuming it wasn’t something genetically wrong with them that caused their loss and so they would have have been viable to begin with).

I started writing this and then left and lost the way I was feeling, so ended this differently than I had originally intended. I forget where I was going with that, I guess probably just venting about people.

I got my first “are you pregnant?” question from someone who didn’t know ahead of time. Okay, that sounds weird. Obviously people who know aren’t asking me if I am. But people who know I am have commented on my belly before because they’re looking for it and they know I’m not just fat and they’re looking for it to be bigger. I haven’t gotten any comments from anyone else, either because they’re afraid to ask in case I’m just gaining weight, or else they haven’t noticed at all. So I had my first comment yesterday from my chiropractor’s receptionist as I was getting my jacket on. And I was wearing a regular shirt, not a maternity shirt that makes you look pregnant even if you’re not because of the extra material and the empire waist of most of them.

What is very strange is people looking at my belly first before looking at me, either because they’re checking it out or noticing it for the first time. As someone with small boobs, I am not used to not being looked in the eye first šŸ˜‰

This whole post is rather pointless, but I’m posting it anyway. Sometimes I write stuff and don’t find it particularly profound or interesting, but when I go back and read it I sometimes find it sounds a lot better than I had originally thought. Not always though šŸ˜‰

 

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