I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for March, 2011

19w4d

I used to read a blog that was mildly interesting, but then stopped reading it several months ago when she started talking about having a third kid and it was all just so easy, “oh, when we decide to have another one blah blah blah” as if she could just snap her fingers or take a pill whenever she felt like she was ready and it would be done. At the time I wasn’t pregnant and it was really bugging me because DOES SHE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT OTHER PEOPLE GO THROUGH? And of course it’s not all about me and my pain and all that, but still. Anyone reading this who has had any trouble knows what I’m talking about, and the rest I don’t care about. Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder about the whole thing. Whatever.

Anyway, I just went back and of course she’s pregnant now and I’m sure it was so easy and oh hey, there’s that bitterness that I was missing for a while!

Of course, she’s a few weeks behind me and I can laugh because she’s gained a lot of weight already. Ha! πŸ˜›

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me being judgemental and egotistical that I think people who get it so easily can’t truly appreciate what they have. I mean, yes, I’m sure they’re very glad they don’t have issues like a lot of us, but can you really truly appreciate it unless it’s been hard fought for, or you had doubts about it in the first place (like if you have a condition that might affect it)? And who knows, maybe I don’t appreciate it as much as someone who’s been trying for even longer, or had even more trouble.

In any case, I still have trouble reading about people who don’t appear to know how easy and good they have it. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. As I’ve said before, there are some good things about infertility, like being able to appreciate even the crappy things about pregnancy. I read a post today about someone who had IVF for her first child and is now facing it again for the second, but is needing time to get the finances and stuff in order but is realizing that having that time with her one child is precious too since it’s hard dividing your time between two kids, so there continues to be some good things about it. Would I change it if I could? Yes. I would like to change the two babies that I lost so I could see what they could have been (assuming it wasn’t something genetically wrong with them that caused their loss and so they would have have been viable to begin with).

I started writing this and then left and lost the way I was feeling, so ended this differently than I had originally intended. I forget where I was going with that, I guess probably just venting about people.

I got my first “are you pregnant?” question from someone who didn’t know ahead of time. Okay, that sounds weird. Obviously people who know aren’t asking me if I am. But people who know I am have commented on my belly before because they’re looking for it and they know I’m not just fat and they’re looking for it to be bigger. I haven’t gotten any comments from anyone else, either because they’re afraid to ask in case I’m just gaining weight, or else they haven’t noticed at all. So I had my first comment yesterday from my chiropractor’s receptionist as I was getting my jacket on. And I was wearing a regular shirt, not a maternity shirt that makes you look pregnant even if you’re not because of the extra material and the empire waist of most of them.

What is very strange is people looking at my belly first before looking at me, either because they’re checking it out or noticing it for the first time. As someone with small boobs, I am not used to not being looked in the eye first πŸ˜‰

This whole post is rather pointless, but I’m posting it anyway. Sometimes I write stuff and don’t find it particularly profound or interesting, but when I go back and read it I sometimes find it sounds a lot better than I had originally thought. Not always though πŸ˜‰

 

19w2d

I am (or almost am, depending on how you count) half way through! That both makes me sad and really excited. Sad because I’m enjoying this whole thing (so far :P) but excited because that means we’ll actually have our baby soon-ish! Which is both exciting and really really terrifying! πŸ˜‰

I started wearing my maternity shirts this week, mostly because yesterday my regular shirts were wet still from being washed on the weekend (I only have enough that are comfortable enough to get me through the week, and that’s getting borderline too). But then everyone kept saying that it was nice to see me looking the part and in new clothes and I was a lot more comfortable because of the length, that I think I might actually start wearing most of them regularly now. I’m big enough now that there’s a bit of a belly visible under the smaller ones. That’s a difference from last week.

What’s funny is that when I take pictures with my shirt up to show my belly, it looks huge. (okay, relatively. I’m sure in a few weeks I’ll look back and think I was so small, but still, it looks quite big right now) and it’s totally obvious it’s a pregnant belly, not just a fat one. But the second I put any layers over it, it disappears. I guess this is why the style is for tighter shirts πŸ˜›

I should go visit the second hand place and see if they have any more new stuff in that I can nab. I still only have one long sleeved, but it’s getting warmer so I’m hoping that I won’t have to wear a sweater over them for much longer.

I think I’m getting some round ligament pain going on, particularly when I first stand up or if I roll over at night, that kind of thing. I also get a sort of tight, heavy feeling in the very lower part of my belly from time to time, often after I’ve been walking from one side of the building to the other. I think it might be stuff growing or they say your uterus contracts when you do exercise, it might be reacting to the walking, not that I would exactly call that exercise, it’s definitely not strenuous. It doesn’t last long, either of them, but I’m going to mention it to the MW when I see her next to make sure it’s normal and not something bad. You always hear horror stories of someone saying they had pains that they thought were normal and then it turned out to be SuperScaryCondition#7836835.

We were at a friend’s place this weekend for a birthday and we started making a list of stuff we’re taking from them. It’s mostly stuff that are meant for newborns that they’ll outgrow in a really short amount of time (bassinette (why does that look wrong no matter how I type it?), infant car seat (only been through one kid), stroller that fits infant car seat (we’re pretty sure we’ll use one, but being born in August there’s only a short window of time when that will be needed, although it does also have the seat part, but that might only fit during the winter, I’m not sure how that all works exactly), etc). Of course, taking a lot of that stuff from them means we don’t have a heck of a lot to register for, which is okay by me but my mom keeps bugging me to register for Stuff! Lots of Stuff!

In other news, today was a much better day at work than last Tuesday was. We had GoodPSW back, which was a big help because they respond well to her, but we also worked at keeping the two most anxious ones apart. I had a plan in place to keep one of them busy, so when she came in (part of the problem is her bus picks her up first and she gets dropped off before everyone else, so she has lots of time to kill before anybody else comes) I asked her to help me fold some towels and then I got her going through the yarn box and trying to untangle a lot of it. During the day, she played the game a bit, but then I got her to help me rewind yarn into nicer balls. The best thing about that is that she doesn’t remember, so we could rewind the same ball of yarn every single week and she probably wouldn’t know it. It’s a keep-busy task, but it allows us to talk a bit and she feels like she’s helping me, so she’s willing to do it. GoodPSW kept the other high-anxiety person occupied as well and it kept everyone else calm. Not sure what will happen when we don’t have students to allow the two of us to do one-on-one stuff and still have the game going on with the rest, but I guess we’ll tackle that when we come to it. Maybe if I call my boss she’ll get us some help in that situation, or we might have full day volunteers by then.

So feeling a bit happier about work in general this week. It might help that I’ve figured out my dates for when I’m going off — two weeks before for sure, earlier if I get a note from my doctor, assuming they don’t tell me to go off for medical reasons, which I’m really hoping not to have to do.

I think this post is long enough. Time for some ice cream that I’ve been craving the last few days. For once my pregnant self and pre-pregnant self agree on what’s crave-worthy. No pickles though, in case you were wondering.

And the verdict is….

It’s a boy!

Unless they’re wrong πŸ˜›

I was disappointed for about five seconds and then they put him on the screen and he’s just so amazing and who really cares. And now I’m all excited for a boy and when I was talking to a friend last night about them being wrong and maybe ending up with a girl after all, I felt really sad. So it’s safe to say I’m cool with it πŸ˜› I’m actually more relieved about that than anything because I wasn’t sure I would get used to the idea that fast because I was really dead set on a girl. But now, not so much.

I thought for a while during the scan that we weren’t going to get to know because she asked if we wanted to know and I said yes, and then she said, “I’ll tell you if you can see it, but I can’t see anything so far” and then didn’t say too much for a long time. I was so scared because the not knowing has been killing me. And I’m just so happy to finally know and it makes it all so much more real and now I’m REALLY EXCITED! Up until now we’ve been happy and all, but hadn’t had any real active excitement about the whole thing because it just never felt that real. I didn’t expect this to make so much of a difference.

It could also be the combination of finding out we’re having a boy and a friend of ours having a baby boy on the same day that makes it feel real. Β In any case, wow!

Now I’m going over all the advantages of having a boy, like the fact that I can totally handle male fashion (whereas female fashion I’m clueless with), he can wear jeans all the time and no one will bat an eyelash (and then can be used for #2 when it’s a girl, should we be so lucky :P), don’t have to worry about fancy hairstyles that I won’t be able to do anyway, I can identify much better with cars and dinosaurs and other things boys tend to be into than with princesses and stuff that girls tend to gravitate towards, baby boy clothes are cuter than baby girl clothes for the most part, and I tend to go for frogs and ducks and bugs and stuff, which I guess are good for both anyway.

Yeah, totally stoked. The only problem is coming up with a name, which wouldn’t have been a problem for a girl since we had one chosen already, but have never been able to come up with a boy’s name we can both agree on.

And in other cool news, I’ve been feeling him kick a LOT yesterday since the afternoon and consistently in one spot and I finally had my husband around when it was happening and he got to feel it too! They’re still small, but they’re a lot stronger than they were, and I’m feeling them more consistently on the outside, but also on the inside.

It was neat yesterday afternoon, it was all over the place. Kick to the belly button! To the left! To the right! Up high! Down low! I could actually feel it travel across my belly at one point, going to the left. Right now it’s one kick here and then a few in the same place although not close together, and then a few over there, etc. so it’s easier to tell my husband to put his hand over and where to expect it. Though my belly is still small enough that he can cover it with one hand and I can cover with two so you’re feeling everywhere at once.

Last night I swear I felt him roll over. I rolled over and had the usual everything shifting around inside, and then a few seconds after that stopped, I felt this really strange sensation of something doing a somersault in there. Reeally weeeird feeling.

Oh. As always, in my excitement with sharing the BOY! news, I forgot to say that the rest of the anatomy stuff came back perfect, so no worries there. That’s good to know, although I wasn’t all that worried about that part and was more focused on the gender reveal, even though the anatomy stuff is a lot more important, obviously.

17w4d

I have a journal elsewhere that I write to keep many of my friends updated with my life, and I have a few people who have similar interests (or careers) or whatever that I don’t actually know. I just deleted one of those “friends”, not someone I actually know, because she is pregnant again and is going on about how “super fertile!” she is. She got married a few years ago, got pregnant on the first try (of course) and now again, same thing. She doesn’t post much so I probably won’t even notice, but it surprises me at how bitter I can still feel towards those who get it so easily. Why should I be bitter anymore? I’ve gotten what I wanted (or at least am on my way to it), so why should I feel that way still? Why do I still get that twinge when I hear of people who have only been married for a short time who get pregnant (and assumedly weren’t trying before)? It’s not quite as strong as it was before, but it’s still there. Do you ever lose that feeling? Do you ever lose your identity as an infertile?

I saw a friend who I haven’t seen in almost a year (mostly because she got pregnant and I avoided her, which was pretty easy since we don’t see each other that often anyway, but still) and it was good to see her, but I still can’t help but feel that it’s unfair that she got her baby (a very cute one!) before me. She tried for 6 months before conceiving, and she at least acknowledges that she has no real idea how it feels (as opposed to saying, “oh yeah, it took us a while, I know what you’re talking about”, which a lot of people do), but still. She says that you get the baby that you’re supposed to get… but why couldn’t that baby have been the two before? Or happened at any point in the previous four years? Why are there people who try even longer and have to go through so much more than I did? (I still find it so hard to believe that I am actually one of the lucky ones… how is anything I went through lucky?)

On the other hand, she said she was miserable for her entire pregnancy because she had no idea it would be so uncomfortable and she had no idea about a lot of it. I knew a bit of what to expect because I’ve had four years to research it. I am grateful even for the crappy stuff (because there is some crappy stuff that goes with it, though I’ve been incredibly lucky so far, if you ask me) because I’d been thinking for years that it might never happen. She agreed that she probably would have enjoyed it more (or at least been more grateful for it, not that she wasn’t, but still, it changes your perspective) had she had more trouble achieving it.

And being the last one to get pregnant means I get to pick their brains about everything, rather than being the first one to go through everything, which has been nice because there is way too much information out there.

She told me that another friend of ours (we all used to work together) who got married….. two years ago? is pregnant and due right around the same time as I am. I don’t really know how long they’ve been trying, so maybe it was that whole time, but I would assume if that were the case, she would have mentioned it since she knows we had issues. But it just gave me that familiar twinge to hear. I’m not necessarily bitter and not happy for her, but I’m still not exactly happy in the way I would have been before all this, and the way I’d like to be again one day.

Maybe it goes away when you’re finished having kids and you know you don’t have to worry about it anymore. Maybe it’ll go away when I have a kid in my arms and not just a “can’t quite believe this” like it is right now. Maybe it never goes away once it’s there, although I really hope that’s not the case. I hope at least once I’m done having kids (we want one more for sure, although we’ll see if that changes when I have one :P), because at this point I’m not sure if it won’t be another several years of unsuccessful trying to get there. Though now I think if we had issues, I’m not sure it would be so acute because the biggest thing was that I was never sure I would ever get to experience being pregnant (a big thing for me) or that we would ever have kids at all, bio or not. Now that I’ve had a chance to do it, I’m extremely grateful for that, and I would be much more open to going straight to adoption. It’s not as much about being biologically related, as experiencing all of this that I’m going through now. I cannot express how absolutely, extremely grateful I am to get to do this, crappy stuff and all. It is the most amazing thing I have ever done, full stop.

17w

Back from our trip. I outgrew my shorts that were pretty comfy at the beginning. It feels like they went from pretty good to being unbuttoned when sitting to needing to be unbuttoned while standing in about 24 hours, although I didn’t notice that much of a growth spurt, or at least not like the one from a few weeks ago.

Starting to get desperate for long sleeved shirts that are long enough. I bought some short sleeved shirts down there, and now I have a total of 5 short sleeved and 1 long sleeved mat shirts, including three I picked up today. I figure I can start wearing the short sleeved ones with a sweater if worse comes to worse and I can’t find many longer ones for the meantime, assuming I have or can find a cardigan or something that will go over them well. Still waiting for the heat to hit me, but so far I’m still just as cold as always. I wore all my new mat tops while down there (minus the ones I picked up today, obviously) and they are quite comfortable particularly for the length right now, but two of them have rather large necks that I’m not keen on wearing to work. They’re acceptable, but I’m not a low-cut shirt kind of person, so I feel like I’m exposed or in danger of being exposed constantly and I’m always adjusting my shirts to make sure everything’s okay. The ones I got today I can put a stitch or a pin in to keep it closed a bit higher, and there’s one I bought down there that I can do the same, so hopefully that’ll be okay.

Starting to feel pressed for time to get stuff done. We’ve decided what we want to do in the nursery as far as paint colour (just haven’t chosen it specifically) and stuff like that, so I want to get started on that. That doesn’t depend on gender, so we can do it anytime and not worry about being told the wrong one, which is nice. I want to further scope out furniture and finalize our choices so we can register or buy them or whatever. I want to look at other stuff and figure out what we need and want as well so we can register for that as well. But the big thing is figuring out the room and putting it together, since we can always buy a playpen and stuff like that after the baby is born, but we should probably have a place for it to sleep and be changed and all that.

You can tell I have a bit of a belly with clothes on now. It’s not extremely obvious, but if my stop gets flattened against my belly, it’s pretty clear. Think I can tell my clients without them thinking I’m joking around, but not sure anyone would pick it up without knowing yet.

I’m really glad to be home. I didn’t sleep well at all while we were away. Combination of a non-supportive bed (and Snoogle wasn’t helping at all), pregnancy causing lighter sleep (which explains why so many people say they have crazy dreams… more time in REM sleep means more dreams, and people probably remember them easier), my husband snoring, my earplugs bothering my ears (I’ve worn them for years, I have no idea why they would start recently), etc. I ended up on the couch a couple of nights, which helped, I had a couple nights of awful sleep (frustrating because I knew I was falling asleep, I just couldn’t stay asleep because of all the rolling over trying to find a good position combined with a noisy bed partner) and one night that was actually good, brought on by the awful sleep of the previous two nights.

Still haven’t gained anything, really. Scale sometimes says two pounds heavier than before, but it tends to go down again to either 1 pound or zero. Not sure if I should be concerned about that or not, I’ll ask at my MW appointment on Wednesday. Also going to ask about what baby classes they offer, if any.