I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


I went out and got one of those Snoogle pregnancy pillows on Friday after increasing discomfort in my lower back over the past two weeks or so. I often have that same sort of tired feeling in my lower back so at first I thought it might just be that, but it wasn’t going away even after seeing my chiropractor and I was starting to have trouble sleeping because I was rolling around so much trying to find a comfortable position. So I tried using my old body pillow and that made my back feel better when I was facing it but it was too much trouble moving it around when I wanted to roll over. So a friend of mine swears by her Snoogle, so I decided to invest in one. And the very day I was talking to my friend about it and decided to get one, it went on sale at Babies R Us for 40% off! So instead of paying over $70 for it, I only paid under $50. Which is still a lot, but not nearly as bad a gamble. I figured if I hated it, I could probably sell it for close to what I paid for it pretty easily.

But I love it! The very first night, even before I was used to it, I slept much better than I have for a while and my back didn’t hurt at all that night or the next day. And it’s been two more nights since and I keep sleeping better as I get more used to it, and my back feels really good. So happy about it. I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but I find the fact that I don’t have to move the pillow around when I move around a big deal. It’s a big hard to use as my pillow still (maybe I just have to get used to it) so I’m using my regular pillow with the top part pushed off to the side a bit, but I suspect when I get a bit bigger and need the support (for belly and/or back) that part will be very handy as well. I really look forward to bedtime so I can lay down and be really comfortable with it.

Once again after a few days of feeling great I ended up hanging over the toilet this morning. It’s either a coincidence or else it’s the getting up at 6:30 that makes it bad, even though I’m getting decent sleep. I think the only reason I didn’t actually puke this morning was because I hadn’t eaten yet, this was the worst and most violent episode yet. I’m not going to talk about that anymore because it’s making me feel sick again. Anyway, it wasn’t pleasant and I didn’t feel that much better afterwards like I have been. I really think my body hoards up all the sickness and lets it out in a big event rather than a little bit every day. But it is getting less frequent, which is nice. Though maybe I prefer the less violent more frequent episodes that leave me feeling better after. Ah well.

I’m 13 weeks and change now. 1 day if I go by my 1st ultrasound dating, 2 days if I go by my midwife’s calculations. Anyway, 13 weeks.

Still haven’t gained anything, but I can feel that the fundus (where you can feel the uterus over the pubic bone — does fundus sound like something really gross to you?) is larger than it was last week. I think I maybe see a bit of a change, particularly in my waist area where it looks less defined, and maybe a tiny bulge in the belly area, but it’s hard to tell for sure and still depends on when I last ate, so maybe it’s nothing.

I kind of look forward to some external change because it just feels so unreal up until now. I keep waiting for someone to realize their mistake, that all those results were someone else’s, despite the fact that I was there when those instruments (ultrasound and doppler) were held to my belly and they found stuff in there. It just seems like it can’t be true. I have to look at the ultrasound picture to really believe it. I had the doppler at my midwife’s last week and she was able to find the heartbeat pretty quickly, but the baby kept moving away from it so she kept losing it. That was kind of neat in itself because I can’t really feel it, or at least not consistently if those feelings I have sometimes that I wonder if it’s the baby moving actually are it. Wow, is that the most awkward sentence in the world or what? Anyway, heartbeat was 160 when she finally got it long enough to measure. Pretty awesome sound, if you ask me.

I’m feeling really irritable lately, particularly at work. I find my job stressful at the best of times, filling in for someone else in a program I don’t really want to be in. It has its good moments, but overall I would so much rather be in the program I was hired into. I just hope the girl I’m filling in for returns as she’s supposed to because otherwise I may not be able to return to my program before I’m off on leave myself. If she doesn’t, then my boss has to find a replacement for her and since there’s a language requirement that is not easy to fill (the job was posted before and not a single person applied), I have no idea how long that would take. Anyway, so everyone is driving me nuts in there combined with the fact that I don’t really want to be there is a great combination with my PMS-like crabbiness. I hate feeling like that, but I’m not sure what I can do about it.

My review at work at least went well, but I just feel drained of energy and unmotivated to bother putting a lot of effort into anything when the clients are whiny and ungrateful a lot of the time and complain about every little thing and I just want to quit half the time. I get annoyed in my own program too, but at least most of the time I have fun. Here it feels like 90% of the time I want to scream and 10% of the time I have fun, the reverse of my program. Doesn’t exactly make me overjoyed to get up in the morning and go to that.


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