I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for February, 2011

15w1d

I went shopping with my mom over the weekend. I decided to go so that at the very least I would have some idea of what was out there for when I was able to fit into it, even if I didn’t yet.

Let me just break here in my story to say that I just saw my belly jump when I felt the baby kick, but on opposite sides. Felt it on the left, saw it on the right (not really that far apart, just on opposite sides of my belly button). Neat! And now I saw two jumps on the right side, though I didn’t feel it, but now I’m feeling movement on the right side but not seeing it. Cool!

Anyway, so my mom and I went to Thyme Maternity, which was recommended to me by a friend who found the salespeople really helpful and she was able to find some good deals. We went in and the salesgirl asked if she could help us and I said yes and she asked with what and I said, “everything!” and then I explained that I couldn’t fit my clothes but wasn’t that big yet, and then she finished my sentence with,”and you don’t know what to do” so I guess it must be pretty common. So she was explaining the different types of bands and pulling all kinds of stuff off the racks and really making it easy for me, which is good because as I believe I may have said before, I hate shopping and am totally clueless.

So I tried on a bunch of pants and a bunch of tops and ended up with two pairs of jeans that are so comfortable I literally have not stopped breathing sighs of relief since I put them on. I wore them out of the store, that’s how much of a difference they made over what I was wearing. I was totally sure I was going to find that I was too small for them yet and have to go find some other solution, but not so much! Turns out I’m perfect for it. And actually, looking at my pictures I can see the growth I’ve had and I actually do have a baby belly going on. It’s hard to see when I’m looking down on it and also when I’m in the mirror and moving around, but when I specifically take a picture and can compare, it’s really obvious.

I didn’t find any tops that I liked there. I’m looking more for the peasant style, where it’s all loose and flowy over my hips, but everything was that really clingy LOOKIT MA BELLEH type, which looks great when you have a belly, but not so much when I’m in the lumpy fatso stage. I’m not much into the clingy stuff anyway, so not sure if I’ll ever want to look like that. But if I do, I’ll buy it when I have a belly to show off. I did find one shirt in the style I want at Walmart, but that was it. I also have a problem that everything wants to show off your new copious amounts of cleavage, but I still don’t have copious amounts of cleavage and I work with seniors, many of them dirty old men. And that’s just not my style.

We also went furniture shopping to see what’s out there and to start comparing and deciding what we want. Looked at Walmart and at Ikea since they have a highly rated crib for cheapish. Haven’t made any decisions but we’re starting to have an idea of what’s up with the crib market. We can get some second hand from friends, but we’re starting to lean towards buying new because of some safety stuff (like if it doesn’t go together properly we can take it back, and they say the more a crib is disassembled and reassembled the more wear and tear, plus who knows what kind of wear and tear a kid or two has done to it) and because we were starting to think that this would never happen and this may be our only one (not by choice), so we may never get to do this all again. My parents say to do what we want because it’s a big thing and really special, though it makes me wonder if we’re being spoiled and selfish by doing that.

14w1d

I just posted on the forum to give away my old ovulation sticks and the leftover progesterone since I won’t be needing them before they expire. I’m particularly hoping I can save someone who’s doing IVF a few dollars with the progesterone since those are so expensive (or maybe it’s not if you’re paying that much money already) and you always need to buy a new pack, there’s never quite enough left over from the last one to carry you through the next one. Β In any case, I hope I can help someone who is still struggling, either to actually have it work this time (not that using my leftovers is going to help them specifically) or save them a few bucks at the very least.

My husband moved back into the bedroom with me because we had a friend staying over the weekend so he couldn’t sleep in the guest bed. We’d decided he would anyway to get me used to him being there so when we go to Florida in two weeks and are forced to sleep together it’ll hopefully be okay. At least then I won’t be getting used to a strange bed and the snoring again. The first two nights he timed it badly and came in just as I was waking up (to be fair, I wake up a lot since I need to pee every few hours, so it would be next to impossible for him to time it well anyway) and I had trouble getting back to sleep (I have at least one time a night where I don’t just fall back to sleep as soon as I’m snuggled with my snoogle), but last night while I woke up when he came in, I think I was back to sleep before he was actually in bed. I was dreaming about a really cute MMA fighter, so I must have been in a hurry to get back to him! πŸ˜‰

13w5d

I had to unbutton my jeans today. They’ve been feeling kind of annoying for the last few weeks by the end of the day, but today they were bothering me from the beginning, particularly while sitting. I tried unbuttoning them and they haven’t bothered me since. It’s not a problem since I wear a belt, but not sure what I’m going to do with my work pants once they’re too tight (and they’re getting there) since they have no belt loops.

My husband on a business trip this week and he got back last night. I asked him if I looked bigger in the belly and he said he wasn’t sure, but he thought so. Then he went to tickle my tummy and went, “whoa! It sure feels different!”, which confirms my suspicion that I can feel my uterus higher up now than I used to. Now instead of just being right above my pubic bone, it’s almost all the way up to my belly button. I notice a bulge there that I can’t suck in or flatten by pulling my stomach area up anymore. Kind of exciting to finally see some external differences!

Also kind of scary because now it really starts and I don’t know the first thing about maternity clothes and when I’m supposed to start wearing them and what there is out there and I despise shopping. A friend suggested that if I feel really lost I could go to a maternity store and they can advise me what there is and what would work and all that and then I can decide what I want. I’m okay for now, I’m just not wanting to wake up one morning and not being able to fit my work pants properly and end up being indecent. I work with some dirty old men and don’t need to give them any ideas. I just feel that I may be at the part where it all starts to grow exponentially and don’t want to get caught with no clothes. Hopefully my mom will agree to go shopping with me, I really really hate it.

We are going to Florida at the beginning of March (leaving two weeks tomorrow) and I hope I don’t suddenly outgrow stuff down there, although I guess it might be easier to find stuff for cheaper there. Or at least find some cheap stopgap clothes in the meantime.

Snoogadoop!

I went out and got one of those Snoogle pregnancy pillows on Friday after increasing discomfort in my lower back over the past two weeks or so. I often have that same sort of tired feeling in my lower back so at first I thought it might just be that, but it wasn’t going away even after seeing my chiropractor and I was starting to have trouble sleeping because I was rolling around so much trying to find a comfortable position. So I tried using my old body pillow and that made my back feel better when I was facing it but it was too much trouble moving it around when I wanted to roll over. So a friend of mine swears by her Snoogle, so I decided to invest in one. And the very day I was talking to my friend about it and decided to get one, it went on sale at Babies R Us for 40% off! So instead of paying over $70 for it, I only paid under $50. Which is still a lot, but not nearly as bad a gamble. I figured if I hated it, I could probably sell it for close to what I paid for it pretty easily.

But I love it! The very first night, even before I was used to it, I slept much better than I have for a while and my back didn’t hurt at all that night or the next day. And it’s been two more nights since and I keep sleeping better as I get more used to it, and my back feels really good. So happy about it. I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but I find the fact that I don’t have to move the pillow around when I move around a big deal. It’s a big hard to use as my pillow still (maybe I just have to get used to it) so I’m using my regular pillow with the top part pushed off to the side a bit, but I suspect when I get a bit bigger and need the support (for belly and/or back) that part will be very handy as well. I really look forward to bedtime so I can lay down and be really comfortable with it.

Once again after a few days of feeling great I ended up hanging over the toilet this morning. It’s either a coincidence or else it’s the getting up at 6:30 that makes it bad, even though I’m getting decent sleep. I think the only reason I didn’t actually puke this morning was because I hadn’t eaten yet, this was the worst and most violent episode yet. I’m not going to talk about that anymore because it’s making me feel sick again. Anyway, it wasn’t pleasant and I didn’t feel that much better afterwards like I have been. I really think my body hoards up all the sickness and lets it out in a big event rather than a little bit every day. But it is getting less frequent, which is nice. Though maybe I prefer the less violent more frequent episodes that leave me feeling better after. Ah well.

I’m 13 weeks and change now. 1 day if I go by my 1st ultrasound dating, 2 days if I go by my midwife’s calculations. Anyway, 13 weeks.

Still haven’t gained anything, but I can feel that the fundus (where you can feel the uterus over the pubic bone — does fundus sound like something really gross to you?) is larger than it was last week. I think I maybe see a bit of a change, particularly in my waist area where it looks less defined, and maybe a tiny bulge in the belly area, but it’s hard to tell for sure and still depends on when I last ate, so maybe it’s nothing.

I kind of look forward to some external change because it just feels so unreal up until now. I keep waiting for someone to realize their mistake, that all those results were someone else’s, despite the fact that I was there when those instruments (ultrasound and doppler) were held to my belly and they found stuff in there. It just seems like it can’t be true. I have to look at the ultrasound picture to really believe it. I had the doppler at my midwife’s last week and she was able to find the heartbeat pretty quickly, but the baby kept moving away from it so she kept losing it. That was kind of neat in itself because I can’t really feel it, or at least not consistently if those feelings I have sometimes that I wonder if it’s the baby moving actually are it. Wow, is that the most awkward sentence in the world or what? Anyway, heartbeat was 160 when she finally got it long enough to measure. Pretty awesome sound, if you ask me.

I’m feeling really irritable lately, particularly at work. I find my job stressful at the best of times, filling in for someone else in a program I don’t really want to be in. It has its good moments, but overall I would so much rather be in the program I was hired into. I just hope the girl I’m filling in for returns as she’s supposed to because otherwise I may not be able to return to my program before I’m off on leave myself. If she doesn’t, then my boss has to find a replacement for her and since there’s a language requirement that is not easy to fill (the job was posted before and not a single person applied), I have no idea how long that would take. Anyway, so everyone is driving me nuts in there combined with the fact that I don’t really want to be there is a great combination with my PMS-like crabbiness. I hate feeling like that, but I’m not sure what I can do about it.

My review at work at least went well, but I just feel drained of energy and unmotivated to bother putting a lot of effort into anything when the clients are whiny and ungrateful a lot of the time and complain about every little thing and I just want to quit half the time. I get annoyed in my own program too, but at least most of the time I have fun. Here it feels like 90% of the time I want to scream and 10% of the time I have fun, the reverse of my program. Doesn’t exactly make me overjoyed to get up in the morning and go to that.

12w2d

Welcome to the second trimester! Assuming you believe it starts on the first day of week 12 and not the end. Or something.

I got over my cold and have been feeling better since Thursday afternoon of last week, and I went back to work on Friday. I felt awesome on the weekend, hardly any nausea and no gagging at all, so I was starting to hope maybe the whole “you’ll magically feel so much better!” stuff would be true, but I was back to gagging and feeling nauseated a lot of the time on Monday. I wonder if it’s getting up early that does it. I don’t feel all that great early in the morning at the best of times, so maybe that’s more it than anything. Either that, or work makes me want to puke. I hardly think I’m unusual in that respect though πŸ˜‰

Overall I have been feeling quite good though, even counting the nausea. I don’t feel quite as dead tired. I was even awake until like 10pm last night, like a big girl! I still feel tired, but not in quite the same way. It’s almost 6 right now and I’m not fighting sleep yet.

I am craving burritos. But I could also eat fajitas from Lone Star (steak or veggie, no chicken) or nachos. I’m trying to decide if it’s the spice, if it’s the salsa, the guacamole, or the sour cream. Or maybe it’s all of them combined. In any case, it’s very frustrating because there are no good burrito places near us. A friend of mine has like two right close by and others not too far away, but there’s nothing out this way. What’s up with that? Why does the world hate me? There’s not even any places near work, although I think there might be a place in the food court at the mall near there that I’m going to have to check out. When most food really turns me off, it’s really nice to have something that I want to eat, and I can’t even eat it. I may have to investigate making them at home, which would be cheaper and easier, especially if I could make a bunch and freeze them. If they would make it to be frozen, that is. πŸ˜‰

I don’t know if this is a pregnancy thing or just a weird me thing (either is equally possible) but I feel like I suddenly want/need to wear larger clothes. I’m not even sure how to describe it. At work I tend to wear a fleece jacket, both because I’m cold but also because I’m more comfortable wearing it. And I tend to hold it closed, particularly over my stomach, when I’m walking around. On the weekend I couldn’t stand the idea of putting my own shirt on so I was wearing one of my husband’s, who is a lot larger than me. It’s not a feeling fat and wanting to hide thing, because I haven’t gained a pound and I haven’t started showing in any way that I can tell (though I haven’t been taking my measurements, so it’s possible that there might be some growth, I just don’t know about it or feel it yet). I’m not sure if it’s a protective thing, like how I’m sensitive about my stomach being touched or the cat walking on me or anything… it doesn’t hurt, it’s more a psychological thing that I flinch away from anything that could touch it by accident. It could also be a fabric thing, just want less fabric touching me, but then I shouldn’t want to wear a heavier shirt of my husband’s, and I probably wouldn’t want the weight of the fleece jacket on. I am more sensitive overall (I have a sweater that’s usually fine that I find too itchy right now) so maybe it’s that, but it’s strange. Not that I’m exactly one for skimpy clothes and showing things off. Maybe it’s just that my boobs feel big and very round and in the way (they so do not look that way — they just look a little bit fuller to the eye), so I need to cover them.

It’s hit me a couple of times that this might actually happen and we might actually get a real live baby out of this at the end. That thought is both very exciting and very scary. I don’t know anything about babies! I know it’s the kind of thing you muddle through as you go and figure it out along the way, but there just seems to be so much to know and they’re so little and helpless and it just seems so overwhelming to thing of having to be responsible for that. I actually do know a bit about babies and I’ve been around them, just not in a 24/7 parent kind of capacity where I’m the one in charge and responsible and no one else.

11w4d

I haven’t been updating here as much for some reason. In my other blog for my friends I’ve been documenting stuff there as well, so a lot seems to be redundant when I come here, even though the audience (such as it is) is different. This blog turned out to be much different than I’d expected and I’m not sure if I have the same reasons for keeping it up as did in starting it. Obviously I’m not documenting my misery and needing a place to vent where people don’t know who I am, nor am I documenting adopting and anything else. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, but still.

We had our 12 week scan this week on Tuesday. It was so amazing, so much more than I would have imagined. I didn’t look up videos or anything of what it would look like, and while I knew you could see the baby moving, I had no idea it would look like that! I could have watched that thing wave its arms and legs around and jump! up in the air all day! So cute! I know it looks like everybody else’s at this point, but it’s so different when it’s yours and it’s in your belly and it was just the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. And a relief to see everything is going well. We had to keep poking the baby and jiggling around and rolling over and stuff because it kept going to sleep and wasn’t moving when she needed it to. I’m happy to report that it appears to sleep like my husband, and not like me. Next time I plan on eating something sugary before the scan to improve the chances it won’t be asleep. I hadn’t realized that would make a difference, and I didn’t have a lot to eat that morning because I was busy retching and carrying on before we left.

I think I talked about us not doing the IPS testing before (if I didn’t – we had decided not to do it because we weren’t going to pursue further testing, nor is termination an option) but my doctor suggested we do it anyway because it tells them other information about the pregnancy that lets them know if they should be monitoring me more closely. I forget what those things were, but we went with it. She just made a note that we don’t want to know the results of the disease testing part, and I’m okay with that. They did that skin fold testing at the u/s and I think it looked fine.

I’ve been sick this week. I started feeling like I was getting sick on Monday and if I hadn’t already had Tuesday off for the appointment I probably would have gone home early on Monday and been off on Tuesday. I’m hoping to return tomorrow since I’m feeling not too bad today, barring the snot and sneezing I woke up with, and the general fatigue I feel, which feels more typically preg tired than anything at this point rather than dead tired like preg tired plus sick tired.

I must say that I hope this really strong gag reflex of mine relaxes when the rest of the stuff goes away (soon, I hope — 12 weeks on Sunday) because it is getting really old. Combined with coughing and sneezing and being snotty and stuff, it’s just delightful. I gag after I sneeze most times right now. I kept getting that lovely prickly snot at the back of the throat feeling that I despise anyway and was gagging all over that too. I don’t mind retching if it makes me feel better, like the morning sickness kind does, but this random gagging has to go.

And on that note, I’m going to go pee and then try to take a nap.