I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

10w4d

Still alive. I’ve started a couple of posts and then got distracted (or fell asleep, more likely) and didn’t actually end up posting them.

I’ve adjusted my tickers by a day to reflect the u/s date since I figure it’s easier to go by that and at least not have to carry around a couple of dates in my head, my own calculation and the doctor’s calculation.

I think I’m starting to feel better, but I’m still very off and on. One minute I’m ready to die and the next I feel pretty good. I’m gagging a lot lately, some days more than others. Most days I’m still just feeling like I’m going to, and wishing I would since after I have a gagging episode I feel really good for a while. The more violent, the better. The other day every time I was by myself I would gag. Go to the bathroom, gag in there. Go into the office, second I’m out of sight, gagging. Closed the door behind the last person and immediately I’m racing for the bathroom. No puking, thankfully.

The last few nights I’ve been less tired and was excited that perhaps that was getting behind me, but today I’ve been eyeing the clock since about 5:30 but I also left work early because I was feeling really gross.

I told my boss and a couple other people at work who know we were trying for a long time. They’re all pretty excited and now everyone’s treating me like I’m made out of glass, which is both really irritating, but also nice when I’m feeling like crap. I figure listening to my body is probably a good start and if I’m feeling awful I’m not going to do anything I don’t have to.

Yesterday I started having this heavy, full feeling in my lower abdomen, kind of like the way you feel if you eat too much and you can feel your stomach. It’s not uncomfortable exactly, but it is sort of weird and makes me very protective of my stomach (same way you are if it feels funny, I guess, but slightly different) even in an unconscious way. I can’t suck in my lower stomach area anymore, only the top part moves now. I’ve lost a pound but have mostly maintained, despite the difficulty of eating, and I don’t notice any physical growing yet, except it feels harder or more full or something.

I think my boobs are less sore, though they are still very full and heavy. I would be worried about that (my boobs are the first thing to hurt and the last thing to disappear when it’s over) except that I still feel everything else, so it’s actually a relief. They’re not big, but being more full makes them feel bigger and more in the way, so them not hurting is nice. I’m sure my husband likes it better too. Much less screaming if he purposely or accidentally touches them 😉

We decided to decline IPS testing, but still have to go for the 12 week (though I’ll only be 11 weeks) checkup. I’m glad about that since I already booked the day off of work, and we’ll still get an ultrasound and stuff. I think it might be the last time I see the doctor at my clinic since I’m giving them the transfer my info form to the midwife group we’re going with. I’m really excited about the whole midwife thing, it seems to be pretty ideal and I have no idea why anyone would choose a regular doctor over that sort of personalized care, but maybe they have better doctors than I’ve had. I also know a lot of people get turned away (I almost did as well) because the demand for midwives is really high and since they only take on so many people due in the same month, and it’s like 3 MWs per person, it’s easy for them to book up.

It’s now 20 to 8 and I’m going to head off to bed. At the very least, laying down makes me feel a lot better still.

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