I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

nervous/excited anticipation

I hate waiting when you’re both nervous and excited. At least if you’re feeling one way or another, you can either not wait for it, or you’re glad to have more time before you have to do it.

My first scan is tomorrow, as I’ve talked about endlessly, I think. It’s very much like the 2ww when you’re wanting to pee on a stick because you really really want to see that second line… but not wanting to see that negative, so you don’t want to pee on the stick.

I’m so excited to possibly see that things are okay, hear the heartbeat, all that. I’m so scared that there won’t be one to hear, or that things won’t look good. I guess you never really get over that “but what if something happened since the last time things were okay?” I’ll probably get about one day of peace out of it, and then start worrying again, just like with the blood tests 😉

I’m not really sure what to expect either — it I’ll see my doctor, if I’ll have to wait to hear the results or if they tell you right in the room, etc. I know what you see on TV, but I’m not exactly sure how that compares to real life. I would hope, being a fertility clinic, that they would give you some indication of how things are, especially if they’re good, even if you have to go back to see the doctor for the details of the results. I think I have an appointment with my actual doctor, but I’m not positive on that. I booked it so long ago, and I was in such a tizzy that I just don’t recall anything she said. Except the full bladder, and the date and time. Or at least I hope I have the time right 😉

I was talking with a friend about it and she said that you basically worry the whole time, but you can start to feel a bit more relaxed once you feel the baby kicking and can monitor it a bit on your own. Like, if it’s kicking still, things are probably good.

I so desperately want to make it to that stage. Even if we adopt for #2, I just want to see this through at least once so I know what it’s like. I also really want my husband to be able to feel it kick so it’s more real for him. So far all he’s experienced is me feeling like crap and going to bed early. Really exciting for him 😉

I know that the chances are that everything will go well tomorrow, but no one ever expects to be the inferile one, no one expects for it to take four years to conceive, no one expects to be the one with multiple miscarriages. I feel cursed that it will always go badly. It feels like that sort of hope you swear you’re not going to feel during every 2ww, and then every time your body does something different to throw you off and then you hope that maybe this time, against all odds, will be the time because you’ve never felt that particular symptom before. I feel like this is another cruel joke designed to make me hope that maybe this one will be the one that will actually work out, and then it’ll be snatched away again.

And on that bright note, it’s time to go home. I will definitely be updating at some point, I just hope it’s with good news.

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