I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


It seems ridiculous that I can sleep for 10+ hours at night, and then after I’ve been up for an hour or two, feel ready to go back to sleep. I’m lucky if I’m up past 8:30, and that’s sometimes forcing myself to stay up that late — yesterday I was considering going to bed at 7:00. I did make it to 10:30 the other night, but that was because I took a nap when I got home from work.

I know it’s all normal and it’s a good sign and blah blah, and I’m not really complaining that much (I always want to spend more time in bed, after all, and it is nice to be falling asleep easily), but still. Wow. You don’t really realize quite how bad it is until you have it.

My u/s is on Friday and I’m both getting excited and nervous. Mostly excited though. I will be happy to have some confirmation that I am actually feeling like crap for a good reason. Or at least, I hope that’s how it goes. Since it all seems like a dream that’s going to get taken away at any moment sometimes, it would be nice to see that there’s something happening. I haven’t had any confirmation that things look good since like 4 weeks, aside from the ickiness I feel.

I am afraid that it will be bad, as I’ve said over and over before. I’m afraid there won’t be a heartbeat, I’m afraid I’ll have to choose how to get rid of it since it’s not ending on its own yet, I’m afraid I’ll have to start all over again, this time with even more fear.

I have the day off work, so if it is bad news, I at least don’t have to go in. I decided to take the day since I have a lieu day from last year that I didn’t get a chance to use yet. At first I was afraid to take it in case I didn’t make it that far, but at least right it looks like I actually might. I cannot state with enough emphasis exactly how miraculous that very fact is to me.

Assuming all goes well, I can’t wait to see the first ultrasound. I was seriously starting to wonder if we would ever get a chance to experience any of this, and despite feeling like crap and like I have an alien taking over my body and everything else… I am extremely grateful to be here.


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