I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for January, 2011

10w4d

Still alive. I’ve started a couple of posts and then got distracted (or fell asleep, more likely) and didn’t actually end up posting them.

I’ve adjusted my tickers by a day to reflect the u/s date since I figure it’s easier to go by that and at least not have to carry around a couple of dates in my head, my own calculation and the doctor’s calculation.

I think I’m starting to feel better, but I’m still very off and on. One minute I’m ready to die and the next I feel pretty good. I’m gagging a lot lately, some days more than others. Most days I’m still just feeling like I’m going to, and wishing I would since after I have a gagging episode I feel really good for a while. The more violent, the better. The other day every time I was by myself I would gag. Go to the bathroom, gag in there. Go into the office, second I’m out of sight, gagging. Closed the door behind the last person and immediately I’m racing for the bathroom. No puking, thankfully.

The last few nights I’ve been less tired and was excited that perhaps that was getting behind me, but today I’ve been eyeing the clock since about 5:30 but I also left work early because I was feeling really gross.

I told my boss and a couple other people at work who know we were trying for a long time. They’re all pretty excited and now everyone’s treating me like I’m made out of glass, which is both really irritating, but also nice when I’m feeling like crap. I figure listening to my body is probably a good start and if I’m feeling awful I’m not going to do anything I don’t have to.

Yesterday I started having this heavy, full feeling in my lower abdomen, kind of like the way you feel if you eat too much and you can feel your stomach. It’s not uncomfortable exactly, but it is sort of weird and makes me very protective of my stomach (same way you are if it feels funny, I guess, but slightly different) even in an unconscious way. I can’t suck in my lower stomach area anymore, only the top part moves now. I’ve lost a pound but have mostly maintained, despite the difficulty of eating, and I don’t notice any physical growing yet, except it feels harder or more full or something.

I think my boobs are less sore, though they are still very full and heavy. I would be worried about that (my boobs are the first thing to hurt and the last thing to disappear when it’s over) except that I still feel everything else, so it’s actually a relief. They’re not big, but being more full makes them feel bigger and more in the way, so them not hurting is nice. I’m sure my husband likes it better too. Much less screaming if he purposely or accidentally touches them ๐Ÿ˜‰

We decided to decline IPS testing, but still have to go for the 12 week (though I’ll only be 11 weeks) checkup. I’m glad about that since I already booked the day off of work, and we’ll still get an ultrasound and stuff. I think it might be the last time I see the doctor at my clinic since I’m giving them the transfer my info form to the midwife group we’re going with. I’m really excited about the whole midwife thing, it seems to be pretty ideal and I have no idea why anyone would choose a regular doctor over that sort of personalized care, but maybe they have better doctors than I’ve had. I also know a lot of people get turned away (I almost did as well) because the demand for midwives is really high and since they only take on so many people due in the same month, and it’s like 3 MWs per person, it’s easy for them to book up.

It’s now 20 to 8 and I’m going to head off to bed. At the very least, laying down makes me feel a lot better still.

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9w4d

Ugh. Earlier this week I wasn’t feeling too badly, but the last couple of days I’ve felt really awful pretty much all day. I didn’t have any more gagging episodes (beyond the feeling that I was going to, but that’s the usual now) until last night when I was getting ready for bed (at 7:30pm).

I have two training sessions today at work, both three hours each and the second one requires me to stay an extra hour. I was going to come in later this morning as a result but when I woke up they were going on about slippery and scary the roads are and all this, so I left early, and now I’m here even earlier than usual. Earlier this week and one day last week they were doing that and it took me 3 hours to get one morning and I was a bit late the next time despite leaving early, so I figured it would be the same today. Not so much. Not sure if it was just because it’s Friday so traffic is usually lighter to begin with, so there wasn’t as much backup even though it was a bit slower than usual. Either way, annoying.

A friend was going to visit this weekend, but I had to cancel with her. She’s coming from 3+ hours away and I just can’t guarantee that I’m going to be feeling well or that I’ll even be awake and I have no idea what we’ll eat since I can barely figure out what to feed myself. Although I was craving a Wendy’s vanilla bean Frosty the other day (and woke up in the middle of the night dying for one) and that went down well, as did their chili. Which thankfully isn’t all that bad for you, so if that ends up being what I’m eating a lot of, I think I’ll survive. It was really nice to eat something that I wasn’t struggling to force down.

Almost time for training, yay.

9w1d

I’ve started actually gagging instead of just feeling like it. Not all the time, but it’s happened about five or six times today. Three times after breakfast, one time at lunch, and just now with no relation to food.

I can’t decide if it’s an escalation in symptoms, or if it’s just that my poor gag reflex is so super sensitive right now that sometimes I just can’t not do it when I feel like it.
Either way, not really impressed. Although I did feel really good for a long time after it happened this morning.

Can’t really complain though. I haven’t puked (yet) and it beats the alternative… if the alternative is not being pregnant and still being back at stage zero.

In other news, I emailed three places that offer midwife services in this area (the two closest and one that’s a bit farther but was specifically recommended to me) to see if they can take me on. I got emails from two of them yesterday saying they were full for August, but they’d put me on the waiting list. Then I heard back from one of them (the closest one, I think?) today saying they had a cancellation (I’m really hoping that means the person decided to go with someone else and not any other reason ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ย ) and to give them a call if I was still interested. There’s an info session on Monday evening that I’m going to go to and if I like them, I can book an appointment with them for around 12 weeks. Then I heard back from the third (the farthest away one, but came recommended) asking for more info so they can discuss my case and let me know next week if they can accomodate me.
There’s a huge shortage of them, so getting into one is really lucky, especially if you start “late” like I did.

I’ve decided to go with one if I can because it offers the personalized care that I want plus they offer up to six weeks of support after the baby is born, and they’re available 24/7 for urgent things. And even if they have to pass you to an OB because of complications or whatever, they’ll still attend your birth and be your advocate and all that. And it’s covered by OHIP, so there’s no additional fee for seeing one. I can’t see where I could go wrong.

They can either deliver at your home, or at the hospital. I’m not sure how I feel about a home birth. In some ways, it sounds great… but being a worrier and being my first, I’m not sure how I feel about it for me. So I’ll talk to them, but it’ll probably be done at the hospital, which is fine by me. And unlike your OB, you definitely know they’ll be there to attend you. And there’s two of them who attend the birth, so you get your own team even!

It sounds like they start seeing you after 12 weeks, which means I’ll still go to the clinic for that u/s and whatever and then if everything goes well, I’ll transfer my care over to the midwife. Every person who’s talked about having a midwife has raved about it, and some people have gone both ways and none have said that they preferred their OB over the midwife.

It’s hard to imagine actually needing one at this point, but seeing how quickly they book up I’m glad I heard about them and looked into it so promptly, otherwise I wouldn’t really have a choice.

9w0d

So this is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year. Third Monday, far from Christmas and far to next holiday, credit card bills, failed resolutions, blah blah.

Last year the most depressing day of the year fell on January 18th. I remember clearly that date because that was the day I got the second bloodwork from what turned out to be my chemical and confirmed we were no longer pregnant. It was also the day that we took our pet rat in to be put to sleep because she developed several tumours and although she was still acting okay, she was definitely not moving around as well as she used to and I didn’t want her to be in any pain.

*That* was a depressing day.

I stayed up until past 1am on the weekend. I think it was that late. We went to a friend’s house and I had taken a nap before we went and then we were visiting and trying out their new Kinect (which I wish I’d had the energy for… hopefully we can play it again once I’m feeling less like I’m made out of lead) and stuff. I thought I’d sleep on the way home but couldn’t, and then I went immediately to bed. Slept well, but not for that long, and then the rest of the day I wasn’t feeling all that great, and then by 7pm I was feeling really not good.

So yeah, no more staying up that late for at least the next few weeks. I do notice that the more tired I get, the worse I feel. And the less tired I am, the better I feel. Which I guess is true all the time, but it seems like pregnancy turns everything up to 11.

Bloodhound nose normally, but now I smell differently. I made brownies and I couldn’t even tell if they smelled good because the smell of the hot oven was making me queasy.

Still haven’t puked, but tonight I gagged on my dinner. It was going okay, so I wonder if it was just too much in my mouth or something, but that signalled the end of eating for a while.

I’m ready to go to bed now and it’s not even 7pm yet. Party time at my house!

:D

What a relief that that appointment is over! And if you can’t tell by the subject, it went well.

๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

Luckily got my favourite ultrasound person (when I was in for monitoring, it was practically a different person every day and some were really nice and were fine explaining stuff to me and showing me the screen, and some were really tight-lipped and unfriendly — this was the most friendly one and the one who hurt the least with the internal part) and she put my mind at rest pretty much immediately when I asked her “do you see anything?” after she’d been looking for a few seconds and she said that she could see the baby and the heartbeat.

And then I had to try not to cry for the rest of the time. Actually, who am I kidding? I’m still choked up every time I think about it.

So she did the external one, and then I got to go pee (FINALLY!!!!) and then she did the internal and I got to see the heartbeat (though not hear it, which I think is because it’s so small still?) and see it in the classic pose from the side (which is the only way it actually looks like anything anyway, though it would have been cool to see all the rest of it too — my husband got to see it and said he couldn’t make heads or tails of most of it, but still).

Heartbeat is 170, which is good, and it’s measuring at 8w5d, which is one more day than I calculated. Obviously accuracy is a bit shaky at this stage when the difference of a few mm could mean several days or whatever and a lot depends on the skill of the technician, but still. It’s good, since if it’s measuring way behind that could mean bad things.

So, so far everything looks really good. I have to go back in three weeks, which will put me between 11 and 12 weeks (I thought they’d do it for the week after, but they seem to count forward more than I do, like if you’re 8 weeks and a few days, they count that as 9 weeks? That seems to me a bit like counting your chickens before they’re hatched, but they’re the professionals and I’m jaded so what do I know?) which is February 1st.

That’s an hour long appointment where I’ll have another u/s and some sort of consultation and… I’m not sure what else.

In any case, a huge relief and a weight off my shoulders. Not that it’s means anything’s guaranteed, but it certainly looks good at this point, and at least I know I don’t feel awful for no reason.

Oh, and there’s only one in there ๐Ÿ˜‰

nervous/excited anticipation

I hate waiting when you’re both nervous and excited. At least if you’re feeling one way or another, you can either not wait for it, or you’re glad to have more time before you have to do it.

My first scan is tomorrow, as I’ve talked about endlessly, I think. It’s very much like the 2ww when you’re wanting to pee on a stick because you really really want to see that second line… but not wanting to see that negative, so you don’t want to pee on the stick.

I’m so excited to possibly see that things are okay, hear the heartbeat, all that. I’m so scared that there won’t be one to hear, or that things won’t look good. I guess you never really get over that “but what if something happened since the last time things were okay?” I’ll probably get about one day of peace out of it, and then start worrying again, just like with the blood tests ๐Ÿ˜‰

I’m not really sure what to expect either — it I’ll see my doctor, if I’ll have to wait to hear the results or if they tell you right in the room, etc. I know what you see on TV, but I’m not exactly sure how that compares to real life. I would hope, being a fertility clinic, that they would give you some indication of how things are, especially if they’re good, even if you have to go back to see the doctor for the details of the results. I think I have an appointment with my actual doctor, but I’m not positive on that. I booked it so long ago, and I was in such a tizzy that I just don’t recall anything she said. Except the full bladder, and the date and time. Or at least I hope I have the time right ๐Ÿ˜‰

I was talking with a friend about it and she said that you basically worry the whole time, but you can start to feel a bit more relaxed once you feel the baby kicking and can monitor it a bit on your own. Like, if it’s kicking still, things are probably good.

I so desperately want to make it to that stage. Even if we adopt for #2, I just want to see this through at least once so I know what it’s like. I also really wantย my husbandย to be able to feel it kick so it’s more real for him. So far all he’s experienced is me feeling like crap and going to bed early. Really exciting for him ๐Ÿ˜‰

I know that the chances are that everything will go well tomorrow, but no one ever expects to be the inferile one, no one expects for it to take four years to conceive, no one expects to be the one with multiple miscarriages. I feel cursed that it will always go badly. It feels like that sort of hope you swear you’re not going to feel during every 2ww, and then every time your body does something different to throw you off and then you hope that maybe this time, against all odds, will be the time because you’ve never felt that particular symptom before. I feel like this is another cruel joke designed to make me hope that maybe this one will be the one that will actually work out, and then it’ll be snatched away again.

And on that bright note, it’s time to go home. I will definitely be updating at some point, I just hope it’s with good news.

8w1d

It seems ridiculous that I can sleep for 10+ hours at night, and then after I’ve been up for an hour or two, feel ready to go back to sleep. I’m lucky if I’m up past 8:30, and that’s sometimes forcing myself to stay up that late — yesterday I was considering going to bed at 7:00. I did make it to 10:30 the other night, but that was because I took a nap when I got home from work.

I know it’s all normal and it’s a good sign and blah blah, and I’m not really complaining that much (I always want to spend more time in bed, after all, and it is nice to be falling asleep easily), but still. Wow. You don’t really realize quite how bad it is until you have it.

My u/s is on Friday and I’m both getting excited and nervous. Mostly excited though.ย I will be happy to have some confirmation that I am actually feeling like crap for a good reason. Or at least, I hope that’s how it goes. Since it all seems like a dream that’s going to get taken away at any moment sometimes, it would be nice to see that there’s something happening. I haven’t had any confirmation that things look good since like 4 weeks, aside from the ickiness I feel.

I am afraid that it will be bad, as I’ve said over and over before. I’m afraid there won’t be a heartbeat, I’m afraid I’ll have to choose how to get rid of it since it’s not ending on its own yet, I’m afraid I’ll have to start all over again, this time with even more fear.

I have the day off work, so if it is bad news, I at least don’t have to go in. I decided to take the day since I have a lieu day from last year that I didn’t get a chance to use yet. At first I was afraid to take it in case I didn’t make it that far, but at least right it looks like I actually might. I cannot state with enough emphasis exactly how miraculous that very fact is to me.

Assuming all goes well, I can’t wait to see the first ultrasound. I was seriously starting to wonder if we would ever get a chance to experience any of this, and despite feeling like crap and like I have an alien taking over my body and everything else… I am extremely grateful to be here.