I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

6w2d

I am feeling sorry for myself. I forgot how much feeling yucky for days on end makes you feel like you’ll never feel well again. And it’s not even that I feel so awful, it’s just that I’m low energy enough and feel really gross on and off so much that I don’t really feel like I can commit to doing much in case I need to lay down, which generally makes me feel a lot better than sitting for some reason. Sometimes I feel sort of lightheaded and like I might pass out, even while sitting.

I just googled it and there’s some suggestion it might be blood pressure related, which makes sense since I have low blood pressure at the best of times (low-normal, not low-low, but still) and apparently blood pressure drops during pregnancy. Apparently the lowness peaks mid-pregnancy, which means I have quite a while to go. Goody. There’s also a suggestion it might be low iron, and I’ve just started taking a multivitamin that I can actually get down that has iron, so maybe that will help.

I’ve found that eating protein when I feel gross helps a lot. When I feel gross, it’s like a combination of car sickness and the onset of a low blood sugar. I’m trying to eat little bits frequently, but I never feel hungry so I feel like I’m eating stuff constantly, but if I actually wrote down all the things I’ve eaten over the day, it’s not really that much. Lots of cheese strings (those make me feel the best), tea (the warmth feels really good), the odd vegetable or fruit that I’ve forced down because it’s good for me (often mixed with protein), the odd other thing I’ve thought I should eat, and that’s pretty much it. Everything else holds no interest for me.

I can’t eat anything with garlic in it, which is really annoying. The smell of it turns my stomach and if I eat some, it tastes fine but my stomach objects. That’s really strange. I love garlic and I’m bummed out about it.

What makes it worse is that we’re seeing people that we haven’t told and aren’t planning on telling, so instead of feeling like they understand that I’m not feeling well for a reason, I feel like they think I’m being weird or rude or something.

I’m still happy to be feeling something, I guess, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s all for nothing after all. Again, it’s probably the hormones, but I’m feeling really low and almost depressed about the whole thing. I’m less sure that things will work out okay, and I’m less sure that I even want it to, but I think that’s more the sickness talking than anything else. I wasn’t expecting to feel so weak or out of control. I suppose I should be grateful I’m not puking yet since I’ve read that it doesn’t necessarily make you feel any better.

I’m afraid for when it’s time to go back to work how I’m going to be. I don’t sit at a desk all day, and I need to be able to be active and alert, and getting backup for me if I’m sick is difficult since we’re shortstaffed (I’m filling in for someone who’s on a long leave already) and even more problematic since I’m in a Greek program and while I’ve been there long enough to pick up a fair bit, no one else appears to be as good at languages as I’ve turned out to be. It’s not an easy program to cover in, unlike the other ones where at least they speak English.

I was so looking forward to being on vacation for so long, but the last few days have not been very enjoyable and I’m sad about that too.

 

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