I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

5w2d

Today is the day that I started bleeding the first time, just a bit of spotting that we were really hoping was going to be nothing. I’d just gotten my blood test results that morning and we were really excited.

I can’t help but feel like it’s all over from time to time, especially when I’m not feeling too badly. Every morning I wake up and I feel pretty good, including my boobs not being sore, and I think “oh no, it’s over”.  And then I get up and moving and start feeling queasy (that’s a great word to describe how I’m feeling — not really pukey, but not very solid either. And just the sound of the word makes my stomach feel funny) and my boobs start hurting again and then I feel better. But do I feel as bad as yesterday? I know symptoms fluctuate, so I’m trying not to get wrapped up in that.

It’s not that I actually want to puke, it’s just that it would give me a pretty big sign that things are at least on the surface okay. I’ve thought about getting another HPT and seeing how dark the line is, but I’m afraid that I’ll just happen to do it when my urine isn’t that concentrated and it won’t be obviously darker. I mean, by now it should be significantly darker than it was. But since it’s not a guaranteed thing and I have a long while to wait before I go back to get looked at, I’m just afraid it’s not going to help me. I feel like there are a lot more reasons to worry than there are to be confident that things are okay.

I get these sharp pains occasionally, usually in the evening. They only last a few seconds and then go away and they’re not getting more frequent, so I’m going to assume that since I’m still not seeing any blood that they’re normal. They’re not at all like menstrual cramps, more like a squeezing feeling… like the contraction-like cramps I had when I knew I was miscarrying, but not as long or as frequent or escalating in the same way. I want to ask online if anyone else is feeling that, but I’m afraid everyone will come back and say that they had that, and things ended badly.

Today is my last day of work until Janary 3rd, so I have a week and a half off and I’m really looking forward to it. Mostly, looking forward to not having to act fine when I’m feeling really gross. I’m kind of hoping that if I do start puking that it’ll be over the break so that I can have some idea of what the pattern of that will be, if anything, before I have to return to work. I’m a bit concerned that I’ll be puking long into the morning. My current MS seems to magically disappear around 9:30am or so, which is before clients get here and that would be a relief if that continued, even if I was ralphing everywhere.

I feel like anybody reading this must think I’m completely neurotic and a bundle of nerves about this, but I’m actually not. A lot of the time I completely forget that I’m pregnant (mostly after the queasiness has passed) and I’m not like sitting around biting my nails in worry or anything, but it sometimes feels a bit like depression — in the morning all you can think is that you have to make it through another day, and maybe this is the day you won’t make it through. And then by the evening when everything is still okay, you start to feel more optimistic and better about everything. Except then it’s time to go to bed and start it all over again. It would not surprise me if it’s the ebb and flow of hormones, at least in part.

Anyway, I just happen to post here to talk about my worries because I need to get them out. I’m not talking about it too much with anyone because my husband will just tell me there’s nothing I can do, so why worry? And he’s right, but he has no idea what it’s like to want this thing so much and it’s completely relying on your body and you can feel its presence (if only by the crazy way you’re feeling). He has no idea what it’s like to feel that presence drain away and there’s nothing you can do about it. I love the fact that he’s not a worrier because it centers me, but I still can’t help having some worries about this whole thing. Maybe for once that makes me normal.

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