I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


I am 5 weeks today. I can’t believe it’s so early still, it feels like it’s been forever, in that weird way that time passes so quickly and yet so slowly.

I read today that the most common time to miscarry is between 4 and 6 weeks. I also read about blighted ovums, where everything seems great (symptoms, betas, etc) right up until the first u/s and then things turn out to all be false. Yeah, I totally needed to know about that. That has to be worse than anything else I’ve heard (beyond losing it after the 13-week mark when things are supposed to be more guaranteed, and everything up to that point was fine). But I’m not going to think about that, because that will make me crazy.

I was at the clinic on Friday, as I think I mentioned I had to in my last post, and asked the girl there if they wanted to do any bloodwork while I was there and there was no lineup. She said that my numbers looked good and they didn’t feel the need to, so I guess that’s a good sign, or as good as I could expect when everything is unknown.

My symptoms are definitely escalating, as I was really feeling awful this morning and for longer, and I’m more tired and I’ve gotten really irritable, though that could just be a result of the tiredness rather than hormones, but who knows. I would really love to call in sick to work since there are only two days left, but I’d feel really bad doing so (but also really good!) so I probably won’t. It seems wimpy to do it now when I’m not even really feeling all that badly (how will be it be in January when I go back, assuming things are still going well at that point?), but it’s also the best time to do so since I have sick days left (rather than just starting out the year by taking some) and we don’t have a lot of clients coming right now, especially tomorrow.

I’m feeling like I need to do internet searches for reassurance, which is ridiculous because as we all know, no internet search is reassuring. I’m finding that I don’t want to read some of the posts on ivfdotca or read people’s histories because there’s so much sadness and scariness, and so many of them miscarry when further along and that sort of thing. I read about people getting a whole bunch of betas done and this test and that test so that they’re being monitored more than I am and I wonder if I should be too, but they’ve gone through IVF or other treatments and so of course they need more monitoring. I’m not actually sure if IVF and other fertility treatments have a higher incidence of m/c or other problems that they need to be looking for, but I guess that would make all that testing make sense. It’s either that, or they know that people are so anxious about the results that they include it to put people’s minds at rest.

I have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I’m actually “normal” in this case! I did this the old fashioned way, the way most people do it and do it successfully…. just it took me a heck of lot longer than most people. I’ve “only” had two m/cs and so that’s considered statistically insignificant and I have no more risk of miscarrying than anyone else does. It’s hard to believe I’m not considered high risk because I feel that I am after my history. But I guess even those who are high risk and all that have healthy pregnancies sometimes.

I wonder if being cautious is less heartbreaking than fully enjoying the experience to its max, regardless of the outcome. Not that I’m not enjoying it. I’m even somewhat enjoying feeling sick because at least it’s a symptom that probably means good things. I just wish I didn’t have to pretend I’m feeling good when I’m really not. And I don’t want to be puking with clients around or other obvious “Hey everyone, I’m pregnant!” things because I’d really prefer not to have to be scrutinized until things are more definite and I can’t hide it anymore. They’re well-meaning, but they’re really nosey (in that nothing is too personal Greek way) and not at all tactful about some things. If things did go bad and they knew about it, I’d have to rehash everything and they’d talk about it continuously and I just couldn’t face that.

We got a bottle of wine as a Christmas present on the weekend. Either that bottle will hang around for quite a while, or else it’s going to get drunk really fast 😉


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