I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

4w3d

Well, still pregnant. I think. It’s funny how the first time, when obviously things did not go well, I felt more pregnant than I do now. Though I haven’t actually reached that far along yet — I have two more days until it’s the same day in the cycle (19dpo) that I got the positive on the test. And then another four before I reach the start of bleeding, and then another two before I reach the official “yeah, it’s over” verdict. Not that I’m dwelling or anything, but I do see that as sort of a milestone that I can finally say that this is different.

That time, I had only ovulated once, the month before, and my LP was 18 days, so I was waiting the full time. How did I possibly wait that long?! I was so convinced our timing was wrong and so I just didn’t believe it was possible that I was. I had some symptoms, yes, but actually I probably felt very similar to how I feel now because I could totally talk myself out of thinking any of my symptoms are anything other than PMS.

I do notice that I feel pretty crappy in the morning, especially the last couple of days. Not quite nauseated, but just really Not Good. There have been a few times that I’ve thought maybe it was turning into real nausea, but then never did. This morning I was having some strange pain but it wasn’t like a uterus/menstrual kind of pain. Then it went away.

I’m at the point where anytime I feel a pain that’s worse than usual, maybe a bit sharper than my typical period cramp, I start to wonder if this is the beginning of the end. Any time I feel something that lasts longer than a few seconds, I’m feeling sure that this is it… and then it goes away and I’m thinking of something else and then I realize that I forgot all about it. Strange.

I’m feeling more scatterbrained than usual. Does baby brain start this early? Or is it mostly caused by fatigue? Or maybe it’s the Christmas holidays coming up.

The good part is that I have had absolutely not a hint of any bleeding or spotting… and both times before I was thrown off thinking my period was coming because I was spotting, even before the final bleeding that announced the endings. And while I did catch it early this time, and started progesterone support… both times I had bleeding even before then.

I almost wish I could go back for a beta before the holidays so that I could get one more reassurance that things are looking good so far. They close their offices starting tomorrow (I have to go by in the morning to pick up more progesterone to get me through until my scan) and aren’t open until January. That must throw a lot of people off, not being able to cycle when they want, maybe having to wait longer to get their results after transfers/IUIs/whatever treatments they may have done. Glad at least I’m not going through that 😉

It was a week ago that I took that surprise test. In some ways the week has gone by so slowly (it’s hard to believe I’m only 4w3d today, it seems like I’ve been pregnant a while already :P), and in other ways I can’t believe it’s been a week already. I can’t believe I’m still pregnant. I’ve never lasted a week past knowing before. And yes, it’s earlier, but still.

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