I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

and the waiting begins

I’m really feeling how much waiting I have to do for this whole thing. It feels like all I want to do it stay home and not do anything because what if I’m out with friends and I start bleeding? What if I’m far away from home? What if I’m at work and I get those awful m/c cramps that I swear are like labour pains, only probably not quite as intense. On the other hand, I want to be out there and doing stuff because of course everything’s going to be fine!

My symptoms are less today. My boobs are still really full and water balloony, but they’re not that sore. I do notice that they’re less sore in the mornings anyway, and I’m wondering if it has to do with laying down, especially on my back and maybe water is able to get out better because of gravity, so they’re less… whatever it is that makes them hurt? I’ve read that symptoms do tend to come and go, especially early on, so it’s nothing to worry about. Plus, it’s always the last symptom to go for me anyway. I’m still feeling crampy on and off (but not constant and really painful like when things were going wrong the first time), which both worries me and gives me some hope, and I still have this weird burpy/hiccupy sensation a lot, like I have to do one or the other, but nothing happens, it just goes away after a few seconds. Weird. Air trapped under my diaphragm?

I would love to know the science behind all these strange symptoms. Why would I have that weird air bubble sensation? I could understand when it’s later on and the uterus and fetus are taking up so much room that the usual air flow (for want of a better word) isn’t the same, but why so early? Why am I so thirsty? That part is kind of annoying, especially combined with the peeing. I drink because I’m thirsty, but my mouth is still dry and then I’m peeing like crazy both because I’m drinking so much and because I have to pee more.

I’m debating who to tell. I’m pretty open with my closest friends and my family. On the one hand I want to wait and know that things are at least progressing well come Monday. I’m kind of tired of blowing the whistle and then like an hour later having bad news. But on the other hand, I would be telling them about it anyway after the fact, so why not share the joy for a few days before the bad stuff happens? Why not have people sending positive energy and vibes?

I’d love to be one of those people who can announce it in some sort of cute way. But among the people I’m closest to I can’t not tell them. I have this problem where when I have something big happening either I tell everything or else I can’t think of anything to say because what else could be important? It’s like this big elephant in the room and I can’t stop staring at it.

It feels so strange to just continue on with my life as if nothing is happening. How can I just pretend that nothing is going on? Surely something this momentous should stop things for at least a short while? I guess people say that when people they love die, how can the world keep going on as if everything is the same and yet nothing is? How can other people not feel it? Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but it just seems weird. I hope that I start taking it for granted or whatever soon. Not for granted, I don’t think I can ever do that… but you know, just not thinking about it so much.

I slept way better last night, but I woke up at my usual get up for work time and couldn’t get back to sleep. We are going to Niagara overnight with friends so I’m heading to their place and then we’re going to pick my husband up at the airport together and then head out. It’s their christmas present to us, they have this website where they get great deals for hotels and stuff in Niagara. This one, we get the hotel room (each couple gets one), vouchers for dinner (sometimes it’s like $50 to the Keg, which is awesome), I think this one includes breakfast and maybe some casino tokens but I’m not sure about the tokens (we were going to do one deal that did include them, but then they found another one which included tickets to this magic show that they wanted to go to so we switched and I’m not sure if everything was the same or not), plus the show. It should be a fun night. And thankfully she’s pregnant and her husband isn’t a drinker so I don’t think that drinking will be part of the plan. I don’t want to tell them yet because she gets super excited and starts planning special events (she would be talking about Christmas) and the due date, and I’m just not ready to think that far ahead yet. Then she tells me I need to be more excited and blah blah. She’s experienced an m/c, but she had a kid by then and now she has three plus the one on the way, so I think she forgets how worrying it can be. I don’t even know that I can carry to term, that it’s not a problem with my plumbing or something. She’s one of those people who are either super negative about everything or super positive about everything, with very little middle ground. I think I’m pretty up and down emotionally (as opposed to my husband who is very even, thank goodness for him), but she makes me look like I’m really balanced.

Anyway, so that should be fun and I can hopefully have a good time and not worry too much. As I’ve said a bunch of times, though maybe not here yet, the very best thing is that there’s nothing you can do either way. The very worst thing is that there’s nothing you can do either way.

This waiting is different than the 2ww. That one you’re hoping something good will happen. This one you’re hoping nothing bad will happen. There’s more to lose, you know the heartbreak will be even worse if things don’t go well. And when you go so long in between pregnancies like I do, it makes it even more important that this one sticks because the next one might not come along for another year, if ever.

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