It will come as no shock to anyone, I’m sure, but I’m having trouble sleeping. I feel tired when I’m reading but the moment the light turns out, my brain is up and running at a million miles an hour. I was able to fall asleep after an hour or so and slept for a few, but then I woke up at 3 and that was 2 hours ago (it just turned 5:00) and I got up about half an hour ago because I was just getting annoyed.
I’m thinking about my blood test later on, what if it’s negative, what if the numbers are low, what if it’s not good news.
I’m trying not to think about how long this will actually last, trying not to think too far into the future. I’m half convinced (or maybe more than half) that this is going to end badly and I’m just hoping to maybe experience just a little bit more of pregnancy before it goes away because half the time I’m convinced I’ll never get to know what the whole thing is like.
And while my brain is going crazy, I still feel a bit numb. I don’t feel actively scared yet, just more the general level of worry I have about it. I don’t feel that actively excited either. I guess I’m glad to have another kick at the can, so at least it’s not another nothing why is it always nothing if there’s nothing wrong. But I am afraid I’ll make it farther than the other times (would be hard not to, I guess) and start to think that maybe this will actually work out, and then in a few weeks or months (it’s actually really hard to think about that far ahead, even when talking about weeks) it’ll end then.
Trying not even to think about next week’s Christmas party with my clients. The girl I’m covering for is coming by for it, and she’s having fertility issues as well and goes to the same clinic as I do, though she hadn’t really started treatment before her husband hurt himself and she went on leave. Trying not to think about “hey, I’ll be pregnant for the party!” “hey, I’ll be pregnant for Christmas!” etc. That’s just too much assumption right now.
I did manage to run into my husband online (he was having trouble sleeping too — I think he’s all messed up with the time change over there) and I had to tell him. I was thinking I would wait until he gets back on Saturday, but since we were talking I had to tell him. I said that my news wasn’t going to help with his sleeping. I said that I was hoping to tell him in person, but couldn’t keep it to myself and he said he was glad to know, but agreed that it was not helping the sleep issues.
I’m trying to take heart in the fact that it’s only 10dpo (or so) and the line is pretty definite. It’s almost or maybe the same strength as the first one I got, and that was at 19 dpo. And it’s much much darker than the last time, which was at 16dpo, if I recall correctly.
I’m going to head to bed where it’s warmer than here on the couch and read some and see if I can doze off a bit. I have to get up in just over an hour.