I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Holy holy holy crap

My period is due tomorrow, I think.  (only I think because I just estimate my O date based on CM and all that I learned while charting, just not actually doing any of the stress too-easy-to-obsess about stuff. I’ve been quite accurate, so it seems to work for me). I’ve been feeling crampy like it’s coming the last day or so, and as I mentioned before my boobs are sore as all get out (I love that expression!).

But I sometimes find it easier to deal with the disappointment when my period arrives when I get a negative preg test before it, so I can know in my heart of hearts that it’s not another chemical, etc. Sometimes it’s just nicer to know it’s just a period.

So against all my instincts I took a test when I got home from work.

And there’s a second line.

And while it’s faint, it’s not a “if I squint really hard and tilt it just this way, I think I can see something”. This is a definite pink within-the-time-limit second line.

And now I’m totally freaking out. My husband is away on a business trip with a huge time difference (six hours ahead) so the chances of running into him online are fairly slim unless he’s staying up really late. I just tried calling my best friend, but she’s not home. I don’t want to tell anyone else because either they’ll get way too excited and/or blab to everyone.

I’m excited and scared and numb and just can’t believe it.

My plan is to get going early tomorrow and go into the clinic for a blood test to confirm it, and hope I get good news this time. Last time I had this (though the line was much fainter than this one, and it was a few days in my cycle later — I think that was around 16DPO and today is around 10DPO) they phoned to say it was positive but the number was low and I ended up losing it, obviously.

And then…..

And then!

And then?

God. I so wish my husband was home.

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