I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


Today is my dad’s birthday. He is retiring soon, which is all very exciting and makes me very jealous that I still have so many years to schlep my way through.

But knowing that he’s that age makes me even more sad that I haven’t been able to produce any grandchildren for my parents and for my in-laws, who are even older. They’re all in good health, thankfully, but I would like to be able to give them grandchildren, especially since my husband is an only child and therefore the only hope. I have siblings, but at this point I’ll just be really bitter if they get them first. Neither of them are married and only one is in a relationship.

What if I never get to have kids? What if my parents and in-laws never get to have grandchildren? I will also never have grandchildren in that case. And that idea royally sucks all around. Oh, how I wish for that time machine!

The girl at work who is pregnant is really starting to show now, and every time I see her I feel newly anguished about the whole thing. It’s a lot easier to deal with in a more abstract way, when other people aren’t having babies right in front of my face. It doesn’t help when my clients tell me I should have kids before I’m too old, or ask why I don’t have them yet. Or even worse, why I’m not trying to have them. I don’t really believe in sharing that kind of personal information with clients, especially in the program I’m in now where there is no such thing as privacy or tact about that sort of thing. On the other hand, they would understand more easily than my own program, but I just wouldn’t necessarily want to field all the future questions or the “hey, maybe you’re pregnant!”s that would happen if they knew I wanted it so badly.

I’m caught between wanting to tell everyone all about it and not hide it anymore, because no one talks about it and how common it is and wanting to keep everything to myself because it’s so hard to be exposed, especially for the disappointments and bad news.


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