I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

the dreaded 2ww

Warning: this post talks about periods and boobs and stuff, so a TMI warning if you just don’t want to hear about it.

I am on day 8 of the 2ww. I’m trying very hard to ignore any symptoms I have. Which would of course be really huge, painful boobs. I suppose I should be glad I’m not feeling super irritable and cranky, but my boobs are really annoying. They feel three times their size (though unfortunately don’t look it) and they have that strange fullness, like they’re stuffed with water balloons. But it’s not quite pregnant boobs feeling, I know that one, although both times I’ve felt it I didn’t really clue in until after the positive tests that that’s what I was feeling. Seems like it should be obvious, but I guess I’ve spent so long being sure that I am (yet knowing that I’m not) that I could probably talk myself out of believing pretty much any symptom I experience.

This is both my most and least favourite time. It’s the best because you’ve done what needs to be done and it’s all out of your hands and there’s all that hope that maybe this time will be it, against all odds. But it’s the worst because you’re waiting for your period, which is fun at the best of times, and knowing that it’s coming and while you want the time to rush by, you also don’t want it to get here too quickly so that the hope is over and you’re back to feeling disappointed and disillusioned.

What I hate the most is knowing it’s probably coming, but it tricks you. “Hmm, maybe I’ll spot a little bit on day 8 and then stop, make her think it might be implantation bleeding”. “And now I’ll make her feel crampy but I won’t actually start the flow until a little bit later than usual so she actually starts wondering if this is it for real”. I mean, seriously, if I’m going to have to bleed, let’s get it over with if this isn’t happening, don’t toy with me.

I hate feeling crappy for almost two weeks all for nothing. If my boobs are so sore because I’m pregnant, then I’ll be happy to feel every pain. If I’m going to feel crampy, bring it on. If I have to feel nauseated and not quite like me for 9 months, that’s okay. It just really sucks to feel that way for no reason at all. Although it is quite the relief when the boobs shrink to their normal size and softness once my period arrives.

I was hoping to end this on some sort of finishing note, but I have to go and I have nothing else to say.

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