I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for December, 2010

6w2d

I am feeling sorry for myself. I forgot how much feeling yucky for days on end makes you feel like you’ll never feel well again. And it’s not even that I feel so awful, it’s just that I’m low energy enough and feel really gross on and off so much that I don’t really feel like I can commit to doing much in case I need to lay down, which generally makes me feel a lot better than sitting for some reason. Sometimes I feel sort of lightheaded and like I might pass out, even while sitting.

I just googled it and there’s some suggestion it might be blood pressure related, which makes sense since I have low blood pressure at the best of times (low-normal, not low-low, but still) and apparently blood pressure drops during pregnancy. Apparently the lowness peaks mid-pregnancy, which means I have quite a while to go. Goody. There’s also a suggestion it might be low iron, and I’ve just started taking a multivitamin that I can actually get down that has iron, so maybe that will help.

I’ve found that eating protein when I feel gross helps a lot. When I feel gross, it’s like a combination of car sickness and the onset of a low blood sugar. I’m trying to eat little bits frequently, but I never feel hungry so I feel like I’m eating stuff constantly, but if I actually wrote down all the things I’ve eaten over the day, it’s not really that much. Lots of cheese strings (those make me feel the best), tea (the warmth feels really good), the odd vegetable or fruit that I’ve forced down because it’s good for me (often mixed with protein), the odd other thing I’ve thought I should eat, and that’s pretty much it. Everything else holds no interest for me.

I can’t eat anything with garlic in it, which is really annoying. The smell of it turns my stomach and if I eat some, it tastes fine but my stomach objects. That’s really strange. I love garlic and I’m bummed out about it.

What makes it worse is that we’re seeing people that we haven’t told and aren’t planning on telling, so instead of feeling like they understand that I’m not feeling well for a reason, I feel like they think I’m being weird or rude or something.

I’m still happy to be feeling something, I guess, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s all for nothing after all. Again, it’s probably the hormones, but I’m feeling really low and almost depressed about the whole thing. I’m less sure that things will work out okay, and I’m less sure that I even want it to, but I think that’s more the sickness talking than anything else. I wasn’t expecting to feel so weak or out of control. I suppose I should be grateful I’m not puking yet since I’ve read that it doesn’t necessarily make you feel any better.

I’m afraid for when it’s time to go back to work how I’m going to be. I don’t sit at a desk all day, and I need to be able to be active and alert, and getting backup for me if I’m sick is difficult since we’re shortstaffed (I’m filling in for someone who’s on a long leave already) and even more problematic since I’m in a Greek program and while I’ve been there long enough to pick up a fair bit, no one else appears to be as good at languages as I’ve turned out to be. It’s not an easy program to cover in, unlike the other ones where at least they speak English.

I was so looking forward to being on vacation for so long, but the last few days have not been very enjoyable and I’m sad about that too.

 

Advertisements

5w4d

At least I now have a convenient title for each post. I used to not know what to title them but I hate having untitled ones because of the way they show up in the list of posts.

Today marks the longest I’ve been pregnant. From now on, it’s all new territory, which is both exciting and happy, and kind of scary. I always said with the last ones that at least they ended early. It was so soon after we’d found out we were even pregnant that it hadn’t become real yet and then it was over, so although it was sad and obviously traumatic since we’ve never gotten pregnant quickly and easily, at least I hadn’t really ever entertained the thought that they might actually work out.

Today is Christmas Eve and my parents and sister are coming over and sleeping over and then my brother and his girlfriend are joining us tomorrow for Christmas Day stuff. I’m not sure if my sister knows, but it’s likely considering my mom knows and has a hard time keeping quiet about exciting news (I come by it honestly!), but I imagine we’ll have to inform my brother and his gf. I don’t mind telling him, but I’ve been annoyed at her for the past while so I’m not exactly bursting to share really personal news with her, especially if things end up going wrong later on. It’s not that I don’t like her, I just find her habits and personality irritating. It’s impossible to plan things with them because she’s the boss in their relationship and she never makes a decision. Every time we suggest something that can bring to help us out, they argue and want to bring something else that is not helpful at all in our meal plan. I’m worried today that they were assigned to bring a veggie tray, which is important (everything else was spoken for, and how hard is it to pick up a tray of veggies from the store?), but I’m afraid they’ll just randomly decide to bring something else (she loves to bring stuff she’s been given by people, or to bring something they made like a week ago, that kind of thing) and we won’t get our veggie tray and we won’t be able to get one because it’s Christmas and everything is closed.

I’ve thought about calling them, but I’m afraid they’ll argue or be stupid about it and I’m so irritable and PMSy-feeling that I may disinvite them if that happens 😛

It wouldn’t be so annoying if they ever returned the favour and hosted and organized a get together, but they never do. All they do is expect everyone to bend over backwards for them and are never helpful at all in anything. Very irritating. And he was never like that before he was with her, he was always really easy to plan with so I find myself being mad at her and while I enjoy it once they get here, every time is a headache.

5w2d

Today is the day that I started bleeding the first time, just a bit of spotting that we were really hoping was going to be nothing. I’d just gotten my blood test results that morning and we were really excited.

I can’t help but feel like it’s all over from time to time, especially when I’m not feeling too badly. Every morning I wake up and I feel pretty good, including my boobs not being sore, and I think “oh no, it’s over”.  And then I get up and moving and start feeling queasy (that’s a great word to describe how I’m feeling — not really pukey, but not very solid either. And just the sound of the word makes my stomach feel funny) and my boobs start hurting again and then I feel better. But do I feel as bad as yesterday? I know symptoms fluctuate, so I’m trying not to get wrapped up in that.

It’s not that I actually want to puke, it’s just that it would give me a pretty big sign that things are at least on the surface okay. I’ve thought about getting another HPT and seeing how dark the line is, but I’m afraid that I’ll just happen to do it when my urine isn’t that concentrated and it won’t be obviously darker. I mean, by now it should be significantly darker than it was. But since it’s not a guaranteed thing and I have a long while to wait before I go back to get looked at, I’m just afraid it’s not going to help me. I feel like there are a lot more reasons to worry than there are to be confident that things are okay.

I get these sharp pains occasionally, usually in the evening. They only last a few seconds and then go away and they’re not getting more frequent, so I’m going to assume that since I’m still not seeing any blood that they’re normal. They’re not at all like menstrual cramps, more like a squeezing feeling… like the contraction-like cramps I had when I knew I was miscarrying, but not as long or as frequent or escalating in the same way. I want to ask online if anyone else is feeling that, but I’m afraid everyone will come back and say that they had that, and things ended badly.

Today is my last day of work until Janary 3rd, so I have a week and a half off and I’m really looking forward to it. Mostly, looking forward to not having to act fine when I’m feeling really gross. I’m kind of hoping that if I do start puking that it’ll be over the break so that I can have some idea of what the pattern of that will be, if anything, before I have to return to work. I’m a bit concerned that I’ll be puking long into the morning. My current MS seems to magically disappear around 9:30am or so, which is before clients get here and that would be a relief if that continued, even if I was ralphing everywhere.

I feel like anybody reading this must think I’m completely neurotic and a bundle of nerves about this, but I’m actually not. A lot of the time I completely forget that I’m pregnant (mostly after the queasiness has passed) and I’m not like sitting around biting my nails in worry or anything, but it sometimes feels a bit like depression — in the morning all you can think is that you have to make it through another day, and maybe this is the day you won’t make it through. And then by the evening when everything is still okay, you start to feel more optimistic and better about everything. Except then it’s time to go to bed and start it all over again. It would not surprise me if it’s the ebb and flow of hormones, at least in part.

Anyway, I just happen to post here to talk about my worries because I need to get them out. I’m not talking about it too much with anyone because my husband will just tell me there’s nothing I can do, so why worry? And he’s right, but he has no idea what it’s like to want this thing so much and it’s completely relying on your body and you can feel its presence (if only by the crazy way you’re feeling). He has no idea what it’s like to feel that presence drain away and there’s nothing you can do about it. I love the fact that he’s not a worrier because it centers me, but I still can’t help having some worries about this whole thing. Maybe for once that makes me normal.

5w0d

I am 5 weeks today. I can’t believe it’s so early still, it feels like it’s been forever, in that weird way that time passes so quickly and yet so slowly.

I read today that the most common time to miscarry is between 4 and 6 weeks. I also read about blighted ovums, where everything seems great (symptoms, betas, etc) right up until the first u/s and then things turn out to all be false. Yeah, I totally needed to know about that. That has to be worse than anything else I’ve heard (beyond losing it after the 13-week mark when things are supposed to be more guaranteed, and everything up to that point was fine). But I’m not going to think about that, because that will make me crazy.

I was at the clinic on Friday, as I think I mentioned I had to in my last post, and asked the girl there if they wanted to do any bloodwork while I was there and there was no lineup. She said that my numbers looked good and they didn’t feel the need to, so I guess that’s a good sign, or as good as I could expect when everything is unknown.

My symptoms are definitely escalating, as I was really feeling awful this morning and for longer, and I’m more tired and I’ve gotten really irritable, though that could just be a result of the tiredness rather than hormones, but who knows. I would really love to call in sick to work since there are only two days left, but I’d feel really bad doing so (but also really good!) so I probably won’t. It seems wimpy to do it now when I’m not even really feeling all that badly (how will be it be in January when I go back, assuming things are still going well at that point?), but it’s also the best time to do so since I have sick days left (rather than just starting out the year by taking some) and we don’t have a lot of clients coming right now, especially tomorrow.

I’m feeling like I need to do internet searches for reassurance, which is ridiculous because as we all know, no internet search is reassuring. I’m finding that I don’t want to read some of the posts on ivfdotca or read people’s histories because there’s so much sadness and scariness, and so many of them miscarry when further along and that sort of thing. I read about people getting a whole bunch of betas done and this test and that test so that they’re being monitored more than I am and I wonder if I should be too, but they’ve gone through IVF or other treatments and so of course they need more monitoring. I’m not actually sure if IVF and other fertility treatments have a higher incidence of m/c or other problems that they need to be looking for, but I guess that would make all that testing make sense. It’s either that, or they know that people are so anxious about the results that they include it to put people’s minds at rest.

I have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I’m actually “normal” in this case! I did this the old fashioned way, the way most people do it and do it successfully…. just it took me a heck of lot longer than most people. I’ve “only” had two m/cs and so that’s considered statistically insignificant and I have no more risk of miscarrying than anyone else does. It’s hard to believe I’m not considered high risk because I feel that I am after my history. But I guess even those who are high risk and all that have healthy pregnancies sometimes.

I wonder if being cautious is less heartbreaking than fully enjoying the experience to its max, regardless of the outcome. Not that I’m not enjoying it. I’m even somewhat enjoying feeling sick because at least it’s a symptom that probably means good things. I just wish I didn’t have to pretend I’m feeling good when I’m really not. And I don’t want to be puking with clients around or other obvious “Hey everyone, I’m pregnant!” things because I’d really prefer not to have to be scrutinized until things are more definite and I can’t hide it anymore. They’re well-meaning, but they’re really nosey (in that nothing is too personal Greek way) and not at all tactful about some things. If things did go bad and they knew about it, I’d have to rehash everything and they’d talk about it continuously and I just couldn’t face that.

We got a bottle of wine as a Christmas present on the weekend. Either that bottle will hang around for quite a while, or else it’s going to get drunk really fast 😉

4w3d

Well, still pregnant. I think. It’s funny how the first time, when obviously things did not go well, I felt more pregnant than I do now. Though I haven’t actually reached that far along yet — I have two more days until it’s the same day in the cycle (19dpo) that I got the positive on the test. And then another four before I reach the start of bleeding, and then another two before I reach the official “yeah, it’s over” verdict. Not that I’m dwelling or anything, but I do see that as sort of a milestone that I can finally say that this is different.

That time, I had only ovulated once, the month before, and my LP was 18 days, so I was waiting the full time. How did I possibly wait that long?! I was so convinced our timing was wrong and so I just didn’t believe it was possible that I was. I had some symptoms, yes, but actually I probably felt very similar to how I feel now because I could totally talk myself out of thinking any of my symptoms are anything other than PMS.

I do notice that I feel pretty crappy in the morning, especially the last couple of days. Not quite nauseated, but just really Not Good. There have been a few times that I’ve thought maybe it was turning into real nausea, but then never did. This morning I was having some strange pain but it wasn’t like a uterus/menstrual kind of pain. Then it went away.

I’m at the point where anytime I feel a pain that’s worse than usual, maybe a bit sharper than my typical period cramp, I start to wonder if this is the beginning of the end. Any time I feel something that lasts longer than a few seconds, I’m feeling sure that this is it… and then it goes away and I’m thinking of something else and then I realize that I forgot all about it. Strange.

I’m feeling more scatterbrained than usual. Does baby brain start this early? Or is it mostly caused by fatigue? Or maybe it’s the Christmas holidays coming up.

The good part is that I have had absolutely not a hint of any bleeding or spotting… and both times before I was thrown off thinking my period was coming because I was spotting, even before the final bleeding that announced the endings. And while I did catch it early this time, and started progesterone support… both times I had bleeding even before then.

I almost wish I could go back for a beta before the holidays so that I could get one more reassurance that things are looking good so far. They close their offices starting tomorrow (I have to go by in the morning to pick up more progesterone to get me through until my scan) and aren’t open until January. That must throw a lot of people off, not being able to cycle when they want, maybe having to wait longer to get their results after transfers/IUIs/whatever treatments they may have done. Glad at least I’m not going through that 😉

It was a week ago that I took that surprise test. In some ways the week has gone by so slowly (it’s hard to believe I’m only 4w3d today, it seems like I’ve been pregnant a while already :P), and in other ways I can’t believe it’s been a week already. I can’t believe I’m still pregnant. I’ve never lasted a week past knowing before. And yes, it’s earlier, but still.

2nd beta is good!

Had my second beta yesterday morning. They finally called me at around 1:30 in the afternoon. I know I can’t expect them to call until at least 12:30 or so, but every second after that kills me. Glad I was at work and distracted. It’s hard to dwell on yourself too much in my job, which can be both a really good thing and a really bad thing depending on what’s going on.

Again I forget what the exact number she said was, but it was in the 300s. I calculated based on the first beta of 94 that during that time, I should be in the 230s or so if they were doubling in the 48 hours as they should, so that number looks really really good.

I am scheduled for a viability scan on January 14, which (assuming I get that far) should be around 8 weeks or so, so I should know definitely either way if things are looking good or not.

I’ve decided to tell people that I would tell anyway if things go bad, which is a surprising number of people. I hope I’m not jinxing anything, but I thought about it and decided that I’d rather share the good news first and we can all be happy, than have to say that I had good news, but not anymore later on. This may be the only good news I ever get to share, so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

So far not too many symptoms that leap out as definite symptoms and not just me being me. I’ve been feeling quite tired, but I often do, and I haven’t slept very well for several nights lately, including a few last week, so it could be that I’m just tired from that. I did feel mildly nauseated this morning, but I often get that just randomly — the not really feeling awful stuff, but just feeling a bit off.

A co-worker just went through her first IVF treatment and I told her and said that there are good vibes going around. How awesome would it be if it worked for her! Her tubes are partially blocked, so her chances of ever doing in on her own are really low. I just hope if it doesn’t work that she doesn’t feel mad at me or anything. Though it’s hard to be mad at people you know who have struggled as well, just those people who get it so easily. Ha, look at me, Judgey McJudgeypants. But I can’t help the way it feels, whether it’s justified or not, or whatever.

and the waiting begins

I’m really feeling how much waiting I have to do for this whole thing. It feels like all I want to do it stay home and not do anything because what if I’m out with friends and I start bleeding? What if I’m far away from home? What if I’m at work and I get those awful m/c cramps that I swear are like labour pains, only probably not quite as intense. On the other hand, I want to be out there and doing stuff because of course everything’s going to be fine!

My symptoms are less today. My boobs are still really full and water balloony, but they’re not that sore. I do notice that they’re less sore in the mornings anyway, and I’m wondering if it has to do with laying down, especially on my back and maybe water is able to get out better because of gravity, so they’re less… whatever it is that makes them hurt? I’ve read that symptoms do tend to come and go, especially early on, so it’s nothing to worry about. Plus, it’s always the last symptom to go for me anyway. I’m still feeling crampy on and off (but not constant and really painful like when things were going wrong the first time), which both worries me and gives me some hope, and I still have this weird burpy/hiccupy sensation a lot, like I have to do one or the other, but nothing happens, it just goes away after a few seconds. Weird. Air trapped under my diaphragm?

I would love to know the science behind all these strange symptoms. Why would I have that weird air bubble sensation? I could understand when it’s later on and the uterus and fetus are taking up so much room that the usual air flow (for want of a better word) isn’t the same, but why so early? Why am I so thirsty? That part is kind of annoying, especially combined with the peeing. I drink because I’m thirsty, but my mouth is still dry and then I’m peeing like crazy both because I’m drinking so much and because I have to pee more.

I’m debating who to tell. I’m pretty open with my closest friends and my family. On the one hand I want to wait and know that things are at least progressing well come Monday. I’m kind of tired of blowing the whistle and then like an hour later having bad news. But on the other hand, I would be telling them about it anyway after the fact, so why not share the joy for a few days before the bad stuff happens? Why not have people sending positive energy and vibes?

I’d love to be one of those people who can announce it in some sort of cute way. But among the people I’m closest to I can’t not tell them. I have this problem where when I have something big happening either I tell everything or else I can’t think of anything to say because what else could be important? It’s like this big elephant in the room and I can’t stop staring at it.

It feels so strange to just continue on with my life as if nothing is happening. How can I just pretend that nothing is going on? Surely something this momentous should stop things for at least a short while? I guess people say that when people they love die, how can the world keep going on as if everything is the same and yet nothing is? How can other people not feel it? Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but it just seems weird. I hope that I start taking it for granted or whatever soon. Not for granted, I don’t think I can ever do that… but you know, just not thinking about it so much.

I slept way better last night, but I woke up at my usual get up for work time and couldn’t get back to sleep. We are going to Niagara overnight with friends so I’m heading to their place and then we’re going to pick my husband up at the airport together and then head out. It’s their christmas present to us, they have this website where they get great deals for hotels and stuff in Niagara. This one, we get the hotel room (each couple gets one), vouchers for dinner (sometimes it’s like $50 to the Keg, which is awesome), I think this one includes breakfast and maybe some casino tokens but I’m not sure about the tokens (we were going to do one deal that did include them, but then they found another one which included tickets to this magic show that they wanted to go to so we switched and I’m not sure if everything was the same or not), plus the show. It should be a fun night. And thankfully she’s pregnant and her husband isn’t a drinker so I don’t think that drinking will be part of the plan. I don’t want to tell them yet because she gets super excited and starts planning special events (she would be talking about Christmas) and the due date, and I’m just not ready to think that far ahead yet. Then she tells me I need to be more excited and blah blah. She’s experienced an m/c, but she had a kid by then and now she has three plus the one on the way, so I think she forgets how worrying it can be. I don’t even know that I can carry to term, that it’s not a problem with my plumbing or something. She’s one of those people who are either super negative about everything or super positive about everything, with very little middle ground. I think I’m pretty up and down emotionally (as opposed to my husband who is very even, thank goodness for him), but she makes me look like I’m really balanced.

Anyway, so that should be fun and I can hopefully have a good time and not worry too much. As I’ve said a bunch of times, though maybe not here yet, the very best thing is that there’s nothing you can do either way. The very worst thing is that there’s nothing you can do either way.

This waiting is different than the 2ww. That one you’re hoping something good will happen. This one you’re hoping nothing bad will happen. There’s more to lose, you know the heartbreak will be even worse if things don’t go well. And when you go so long in between pregnancies like I do, it makes it even more important that this one sticks because the next one might not come along for another year, if ever.