I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

self pitying whining

I am tired. Of my entire life.

I am tired of being in a different program at work. I’m tired of all their complaining and not wanting to do anything, yet not being satisfied with anything else. I’m tired of arguments from staff about anything different I try to do. I’m tired of none of them knowing how to put things back where they’re supposed to go, of not looking for already-opened things before opening new ones, of having to remind them of the same things over and over again, of feeling like I never make any progress towards all of us working together as a well-oiled team like it is in my own program. I miss my own clients who, while they have their annoying moments and their own challenges, at least enjoy doing new things and most of them appreciate the work I do. I’m tired of the day dragging on, and feeling like I’m just counting down time, rather than actually enjoying it and it just passing without notice. It’s not that I don’t enjoy some of the time, but I never have a really good feeling at the end of the day. Generally I’m just happy to send them home, but then I have to start it all over again the next day.

I’m tired of my husband being away so much lately. Even while he’s been home, he’s been busy downtown and at meetings and all sorts of stuff, which is great because his site is doing well and he’s well on his way to getting some sponsors and money coming in… but I miss him and I feel like I never get to see him, and when he is home either we’re busy with other people or he’s busy working or whatever. I haven’t even had a chance to talk about what a funk I’m in lately because he hasn’t been around, or I don’t want to dump more on his plate when he is around.

I’m tired of everyone around me getting pregnant with no trouble. I’m tired of everyone around me being pregnant or having kids. I’m sad when I see friends are getting married because that means that of course they’ll all be pregnant soon and I’ll still have absolutely nothing to show for my FOUR YEARS of trying except a lot of bitterness.

I’m tired of wondering what we should do, how much we want to spend, what chances to take, what bets to hedge, what decisions need to be made, how long we have to put everything off, not even being able to make any progress because of money right now. And even if we could, I’m tired of not knowing what to do.

I’m tired of wondering if I’ll ever be a parent, and maybe I should just accept it and stop trying. Maybe it would be easier if someone would just tell me that it would never happen, then I could just get over it. Will I ever stop feeling bitter and angry?

I AM SO ANGRY. It’s not fair. The friend who got married in July is pregnant, OF COURSE. The guy is someone who only grew up like two weeks ago, from living a life of irresponsibility and laziness. Four years ago he was at the tail end of his last marriage. And he gets to have kids first?

I am so sick of hearing about parents killing their kids, or people sleeping around and being stupid and getting pregnant and then aborting, or mistreating their kids. How can a friend of mine’s sister be able to have three children and then have them all taken away from her by the CAS, yet I can’t? Not that I would be perfect, but I can bet you I won’t kill them or be declared unfit.

It probably doesn’t help that the second anniversary of my first due date is approaching (February, but still) and that the one that was and wasn’t in January would have been born sometime in the past two months or so (I actively try to forget the dates on that one since knowing a specific date is too painful, so I only know roughly when it would be). And instead I have absolutely nothing.

And I feel like I’m the only one since I’m apparently a fertility charm to everyone else around me. I know there are lots of people, but I want to know them. And quite honestly, I want it to be every single person around me. I want everyone to feel my pain. And I hate feeling like that.

I want credit for what I’ve been through, what I’m going through. I want everyone to know how much it sucks. I want people to know I’m trying, that I don’t have kids not because I don’t want them but because I apparently can’t.

And I want to know why. If there were a reason, it might be a lot easier to decide what to do. If we knew it was me, or him, and for what reason, we could go forward from there. But when everything is fine and there’s nothing wrong and we’re both perfect, why isn’t it working? And that makes it even worse to contemplate doing IVF, because I’m half convinced it’s a genetic thing or a random incompatibility between us, or maybe my body can’t do it. And I just cannot handle IVF not working right now.

I’m tired of hoping despite me telling myself not to. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of wanting it to happen so much, yet being so afraid that it will actually happen, but then it won’t last. Or that it will last, and I’ll spend the entire time worrying myself to death. I’m not sure I would ever be able to take for granted that anything will work out well.

And adoption is scary too. Lots of waiting, lots of relying on other people and hoping it’ll come through. Lots of uncertainty. And I’m not sure that I could feel the same way about an adopted child as I would about my own. Sometimes I think that’s ridiculous, since I love very easily and can’t help but form attachments to anyone I spend time with…. but I just can’t picture it in the same way. And it would bother me, at least a little, that I was not carrying on our genetics. And some of that is curiosity, really wanting to see how a meld of our genes would turn out. Not to mention that I feel most comfortable with an infant over an older kid, and that’s really hard to get. I want to do it all at least once, though there are advantages to missing the first little bit.

And I just don’t know what I want to do. Which would lead to the least regrets, the least grief, the most joy, though that part is a lot harder to imagine from where I am now, where that has been so little joy about anything.

I would really like to put everything on hold, maybe rewind for a short while to when things were simpler, and just stop being me.

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