I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

The thing I hate most about this whole thing is that I don’t like who I am in regards to it. I’m generally not a bitter or angry person, I don’t take things personally, I don’t feel like everyone is out to get me or anything like that. But I feel completely bitter, I feel angry at the universe in general and at people specifically, I feel like anyone who is pregnant is rubbing it in my face. I can’t be happy for people, I want to avoid people who are, I’m terrified of people I’m really close with getting pregnant because I’m afraid I’ll have to start avoiding them. I hate feeling like that.

I don’t want to hear about people and their pregnancies, yet at the same time if they’re not telling me stuff, I feel like they’re avoiding the topic and wanting to spare my feelings, which I also hate. I try not to let on to anyone that I feel that way, but I don’t know how successful I am. Maybe they can guess. Maybe I exude it like BO and they don’t have to guess it’s just so obvious.

As I put it to a friend a few weeks ago, it feels like I’m losing a race that I should be winning. I started first of many of my friends to try, I was the first to actually get pregnant. I’ve put so much time into it at this point and I have NOTHING to show for it. And they all have their easy, perfect, no problem pregnancies that all happened immediately. And it’s SO NOT FAIR and I want to stamp my feet and scream and cry and force someone to listen to me who can do something about it. And because it’s not really something people talk about, I don’t even feel like I’m getting credit for my efforts. Which is so completely stupid, because who cares about credit? People who I care about know and that’s all that really matters. But people assume I don’t want kids, or they keep asking when we’ll decide to have them. WE DID DECIDE! FOUR FREAKIN’ YEARS AGO!

After my first miscarriage, I wanted to go up to every pregnant person and tell them that I, too, was pregnant not too long ago. I wanted them to know that not everything works out for everyone and that they should be extra happy that theirs went okay. Because no one talks about when things don’t go wrong, no one talks about how it feels. It’s not something you share with just anyone, and that really sucks. You only know when people succeed, you never know what they had to do to get there. I feel jealous of everyone I see who has kids, who is expecting kids, how easy it must be for them, they have no idea.

But I’m the one who has no idea. Maybe they’ve tried for longer than me, maybe they’ve been through everything that I have, maybe more.

What also makes me mad (since that now appears to be the theme of this post) is when you then hear about parents killing their kids or abusing them or whatever. So many great people can’t have children, and these people can? If there is a god, s/he is seriously messing up there. Or people who are stupid and don’t use protection and then abort. I agree that you should be able to choose, but it makes me mad when people do stupid things and then throw away what I want so much.

It’s certainly changed how I feel about many things. Used to think that between kids, I’d get an IUD for protection since going off the pill caused awful depression from the hormonal stuff so I don’t think I’ll ever go on it again (that’s one of the reasons why IVF scares me, because it requires a month on them), but I’ve heard that an IUD can dissuade a fertilized egg from implanting, and after having so much trouble achieving just that, I have a hard time consciously deciding to do that. That of course may change when I have them and no longer want any more. I used to think that if I ended up with more than twins, I’d selectively reduce. Now, I’d also have a hard time doing that except in the case of really high order multiples. I know that it might have to be done if there are too many and it would endanger the lives of the fetuses, but it would be a hard decision. How can you finally have achieved what you wanted for so long and then say it’s too many? I used to think I wouldn’t want twins, but now I say bring it on!

Hopefully one day I’ll look back on that last sentence and wonder what the heck I was thinking, that I had no idea what I was in for.

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